If you thought the Dakota Johnson-Chris Martin breakup was the week’s biggest disappointment, brace yourself, because we’re encountering The Great Divorce.

The much-anticipated split between President Donald Trump and Elon Musk has finally occurred. Idealistic supporters always hoped the world’s most influential man and the world’s wealthiest man could maintain their peculiar camaraderie, and Elon’s tearful, televised Oval Office departure on Friday seemed to indicate there might be hope for these political favorites.

But guess what… love stinks!

However, reality struck more sharply than Brigitte Macron’s double-face palm on Thursday, as Trump criticized his former ally in defense of his Big Beautiful Bill, which apparently wasn’t appealing enough for Musk.

The Rocket-man exploded over debt-busting legislation as a slap in the face to his cost-cutting at DOGE. And when Trump and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz (or as Joe Biden calls him, ‘Angela Merkel’) sat for a chit-chat, the subject of you-know-who came up and Trump went full Mean Girl on his former First Buddy.

‘Elon and I had a great relationship.’ Had? Uh oh, I thought. ‘I don’t know if we will anymore.’

Oh no, mom and dad are fighting!

Is this the part where dad tells us nothing will change and he and mom are still best friends? Nope! This is where mom takes all of dad’s stuff, throws it on the front lawn and sets it on fire.

Trump accused Musk of attacking his BBB (the acronym for Big Beautiful Legislation is cuter in my honest opinion) purely to protect electric vehicle subsidies for Telsa. And Elon essentially called him a liar.

Then, things escalated further:

‘Time to drop the really big bomb,’ he wrote on X. ‘@realDonaldTrump is in the Epstein files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day, DJT!’

Sorry, kids. But daddy’s not coming home… EVER!

The reaction from Trump-loving Muskians online is now progressing through the seven stages of grief, with most stuck on denial at this early junction. So I decided to call a fiscally responsible Republican to get the truth of this lover’s spat.

‘Elon was never in this for EV tax credits, his dance with politicians has cost him way more money than it ever made him. And he knew that going in,’ Kentucky Republican Congressman Thomas Massie told me.

‘So many politicians get into politics for their own personal benefit, and I think that’s why they have a hard time imagining somebody like Elon judging a bill for what’s good for his wallet instead of what’s good for the country.’

This Kentucky boy has been reposting Musk’s objections to Trump’s BBB and he’ll almost certainly face a Trump-backed primary challenger. But he’s ticked off MAGA world in the past, and even though he agrees with most of Trump’s agenda he gives zero Fs if he lives in Donald’s long, cold shadow.

And if you think that was blunt, Massie was just getting started.

‘I hope Elon stays engaged in politics,’ he said. ‘I think he’s learning he needs to be involved in primary elections instead of the general elections, because not all Republicans are created equal.’

Well, if that didn’t just send a chill down the spine of free-spending GOP phony-baloneys then I don’t know what will. Imagine Uncle Elon dropping $50 million on your Republican House primary race, throwing his weight behind those who support his fiscally conservative visions.

I had to ask Massie if he was so enthusiastic about Elon because he hoped the bad-tempered billionaire might throw some cash his way to reach the Upper chamber. 

He quickly shut that down, saying, ‘I’m not running for Senate, that’s the same circus with different clowns. I’m not doing it.’

In a MAGA world where it’s a lot easier to go along and get along and stay under the radar, Massie is still confident in Elon’s judgment when it comes to federal spending and the necessary cutting that leads to economic growth. 

He said of the fresh Trump-Musk feud: ‘I’ll trust the guy who can land rockets backwards to do the math more than I trust the politicians in DC.’

Sounds to me like Massie may be moving in on Trump’s old flame.

How uplifting!

Maybe you know your favorite celebrity’s In-N-Out order (mine is a #2, protein style, whole grilled onions, add pickles), but do you know their plastic surgery order?

After a TikToker complimented Kylie Jenner’s nice knockers, she responded with alarming candor: ‘445cc, moderate profile, half under the muscle!!!!! Silicone!!!’

Hold the mayo, I think I’m going heave.

Write or wrong

As if yak-happy dumdum Karine Jean-Pierre wasn’t useless enough when she was a bumbling propagandist for President Potato Head, now she’s spinning a tell-all book that promises to finally tell the truth.

She wouldn’t know the truth if it was wearing a neon-orange blazer and matching lipstick.

Reportedly, KJP was also eyeing a gig on ABC News’ The View, but they couldn’t be bothered to call her back. Perhaps they’re already replete with verbally incontinent blowhards. But, hey, I hear MSNBC has some vacancies.

Ship-show

Antisemitic Swede Greta Thunberg has traded her climate caterwauling grift for a ticket on a ‘freedom flotilla’ that she’s floating straight to Gaza with a band of anti-Zionist zealots.

Has this screeching Gen Z’er thought about what could happen to a free-speaking woman like her when she docks in Port Jihad?

Lips aren’t sealed

On Reality TV alum Kristin Cavallari’s ‘Let’s Be Honest’ podcast said admitted to a tryst with dreamy actor Glen Powell in Greece.

She says he ‘literally ran into’ her and they ended up ‘dry humping’. I hate it when that happens.

When asked for comment, Powell couldn’t be reached because he was dousing himself in lime.