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For years, my wife Angela and I were immersed in the IVF world. Endless appointments, injections, losses, and heartbreak.
It became our reality, although it never felt normal.
As a couple, we experienced intense highs and lows. There were moments of despair and isolation, and others filled with hope.
We often reminded ourselves to appreciate having access to IVF. Yet, it mostly felt like sheer endurance — navigating each step merely to survive.

Enduring IVF is already solitary; combined with Melbourne’s COVID-19 lockdown restrictions, it felt even more isolating.
There were instances during the rounds when I felt invisible.
At one of our first scans, I was asked: “Do you come to all the scans? Is it necessary? Has your wife consented for you to be here?”
I was stunned. It takes both an egg and sperm to create life, yet I felt treated like an afterthought. Sometimes I felt more like a sperm donor than a partner living the day-to-day reality of IVF.

Thankfully, the experience changed when we moved clinics.

a blonde woman in a hospital gown and hospital bed smiles with a man in a black t shirt with curly hair

Phil and Angela at one of the many egg collections. Source: Supplied

Leaning into the role
While Ange was injecting heavy pharmaceutical drugs and dealing with waves of hormones, I focused on keeping her calm, comfortable and loved.
My role was to get her through it. I wanted to be her steady rock, so I pushed my own feelings aside.

My silence was the cost, and I wasn’t sure where I could ‘put’ my emotions.

There seems to be an unspoken expectation for a man to just ‘suck it up’. Be stoic. Don’t complain.
I leaned into that role. But it was overwhelming and soul-destroying at times to watch Ange endure so much.
The clinics did offer counselling, but it felt more like a box-tick exercise than real support.

From my perspective, it appears male partners are sometimes seen as peripheral in this scenario; I felt there was minimal space to express what I was experiencing.

Talking openly about IVF
I did speak to a few male mates who had also been through IVF. Those conversations were a lifeline.
Unless you’ve lived it, it’s impossible to understand the impact each round has on you.
Some people I expected to lean on during this time seemed to be unavailable. Several of them later admitted that they simply had no idea how to support us.

I think it’s important that we openly talk about IVF — so people understand how to show up.

One of the most unexpected connections I’ve had happened at a gig of mine.
A man came up to me and said his kids were also conceived through IVF. I felt less alone and inspired by the power of sharing in that moment.

When Ange shared our journey online, many people responded with their stories. It was therapeutic for us and seemingly for them too.

A wake-up call
It wasn’t until after our son Jimi was born two years ago that Ange told me doctors had given her only a four per cent chance of IVF success.
I’m glad she kept that from me — it allowed me to hold onto hope.

Jimi is my biggest accomplishment out of anything I’ve ever achieved, and wrapping my arms around him is the greatest joy of my life.

a family portrait of a man with dark curly hair in a suit and a woman with long blonde hair and their toddler son who has suspenders and a white collared shirt and brown curly hair

Phil and Angela with their two-year-old son Jimi. Source: Supplied

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the mental toll. Difficult memories pop up sometimes and I try to push them down.

We speak about wanting a second child, but we are also mindful of the risks in a way we weren’t before.
Ange had an ectopic pregnancy (an egg had implanted outside of her uterus) last year and needed emergency surgery to save her life.
Before this, we were actively trying to conceive again — even doing more egg collections.
But this was a wake-up call: IVF comes with a cost my wife bears most heavily. My wife is not a machine.
If IVF has taught me anything, it’s patience and gratitude — to be present and enjoy what I have.
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