For an in-depth look at the diverse experiences of individuals in Australia who seek sperm donors, egg donors, and surrogates, tune into the episode “Baby Business” available on SBS On Demand.
Reflecting on our journey, my husband and I often wonder if we would have chosen the path of using a sperm donor had we known the emotional challenges it would later pose for one of our children.
After enduring difficulties conceiving naturally, we turned to a reputable fertility clinic to find a sperm donor.
At the time, there were no regulations limiting the number of families a single donor’s sperm could be provided to. We operated under the assumption that the sperm we selected would be distributed to no more than 20 families.
We were also under the impression that our daughter, born in 1992, and our son, born in 1994, were both conceived using sperm from the same donor.
There were no laws regarding a maximum limit of families one donor’s sperm could be donated to, but we believed the sperm we used would be used by a maximum of 20 families.
We also believed that our daughter and son, born in 1992 and 1994, were conceived using the same sperm.
The two of us kept the fact that our children were donor-conceived a secret from everyone — including them.
We discussed whether we should tell them, but ultimately felt it would be better for them not to know.
Queensland laws at the time kept donors anonymous, so we felt it would be harder for the children to know of a biological father but never have the chance to meet him.
Perhaps we were naive to think laws would stay the same and also not to have anticipated technological advancements. The 90s was a time when accessible DNA tests (via at-home kits and online ancestry databases) were unheard of.
And so, we kept this secret for almost three decades.
Telling the truth
But two things happened around the same time in 2022 that led us to reveal the truth.
First, I read an article in the paper that politicians were looking at changing Queensland laws to remove donor anonymity. And second, our daughter and son said they were both getting their DNA tested to help a relative with the family tree.
We knew we had to tell our 28-year-old daughter and 26-year-old son the truth about their biological father.
I was incredibly nervous but also relieved to soon have everything out in the open.
In the end, our son was unfazed and didn’t care to know any more information.
But our daughter Lyndal was devastated.
A new reality
To make things even more complicated, the results of the DNA test then came back.
The results revealed something that was new information to all of us.
Our son and daughter were biologically half-siblings and had different fathers.
I contacted the clinic to ask how my children had different biological fathers when we believed they were conceived from the same sperm donor.
I got confirmation that different sperm donors were used.
I also found out that Lyndal’s donor had donated his sperm over 300 times across different clinics.
This was a lot for all of us to process, especially Lyndal.
Each revealed truth about her genetics caused her more suffering, which caused me more anguish.
For her, I believe the worst part was that she could have hundreds of half-siblings.
For me, the worst part was that my longing to have children indirectly caused suffering to one of them.
Potentially hundreds of half-siblings
For as long as I wanted children, I had also longed for grandchildren. I absolutely love being a mother, and I eagerly looked forward to being a Nana.
My career was also in early childhood, and my daughter used to say to me: “The minute I get pregnant, you’re moving in.”
But that all changed with the new reality of her having potentially hundreds of half-siblings.
She says she fears that her children would be at risk of dating biological cousins they were unaware of.
This is one of the reasons she is adamant about not having kids.
So, there will be no grandchildren from Lyndal.
I understood the fear and the trauma but, still I was utterly devastated. Not only for me, but for her and her husband to miss out on parenthood and their own grandparenthood.
They would have been the most wonderful parents.
My son’s donor appears to have donated less, according to the far fewer matches on the DNA database.
So, perhaps there will be grandchildren from him. But, of course, it will be up to him and his partner.
‘I still feel guilty’
At the time, I thought I would be unhappy for the rest of my life if I didn’t have children.
But ironically, our decision, paired with a mix-up I still don’t quite understand, has caused great pain for my daughter.
And I am angry that hundreds of donations from the same donor have impacted hundreds of people conceived with that sperm.
Having children has been the greatest joy of my life. I love them both enormously and am so proud of them.
But I still feel guilty that my want — my need — for children resulted in these consequences.
Watch your favourite Insight episodes around the clock on SBS On Demand’s dedicated Insight channel. For the latest from SBS News, download our app and subscribe to our newsletter.
For the latest from SBS News, download our app and subscribe to our newsletter.
