With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, scientists may have uncovered a straightforward way to sidestep awkward date night disagreements by posing just a single question.

Research conducted at Stanford University indicates that asking someone, “Can you tell me more about why you think that?” can lead to a more positive perception of you, even if they initially disagree with your viewpoint.

The findings suggest that individuals who are asked this question experience reduced negativity, become more open to differing perspectives, and develop a more favorable view of those with opposing opinions.

In experiments involving over 100 university students, who encountered conflicting views either through online chats or video content, researchers observed that simply feeling listened to fostered greater positivity and engagement.

Even if two individuals never see eye to eye on a particular issue, encouraging someone to articulate the key points of their argument made participants feel their opinions were valued.

On a date, especially during early stages of a relationship, differences in opinions can surface quickly, spanning from preferences in films to more heated discussions on political matters.

However, the research suggested that, instead of just immediately sharing why you think the opposite, ask your date a similar question, such as ‘I’d love to hear more about what draws you to that.’

This shows you’re interested in them as a person, not just trying to prove a point, making the conversation flow better, and leading them to view you more positively as a potential partner.

Stanford researchers have found that the secret to making a date feel more positively about you is asking them to explain why they have certain opinions (Stock Image)

Researchers Frances Chen, Julia Minson, and Zakary Tormala ran multiple experiments with college students who expressed strong opinions on various topics and vocally disagreed with an opposing message. 

In one experiment, 56 undergraduates who all opposed requiring comprehensive final exams for graduation were invited to the Stanford lab in 2009.

Participants were placed in private rooms, rated their views on school policies, and then engaged in a scripted online chat with a computer-generated partner who supported the exams. 

When researchers tested how showing interest affected each student, the chat partner’s response included a question such as ‘I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?’

Meanwhile, the control group only had the student and chatbot exchange arguments, but no questions about the differing viewpoints.

Students who received questions about their opinions rated their partner as more open-minded, felt more receptive to the opposing view themselves, and viewed typical supporters of the policy less negatively.

‘Parties in conflict, from warring nations to angry spouses, often experience frustration during dialogue, not only because of substantive differences in views, but also because they feel that the other party has not listened in a genuinely interested manner,’ the team wrote in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

‘Even when opposing parties are reluctant to express agreement with each other, the sense that grievances were noted and taken seriously can be a meaningful outcome.’ 

Researchers has shown that displaying high quality listening skills can make a partner become less biased or prejudice (Stock Image)

In a separate study conducted by scientists from Israel and the UK in 2020, when one person displayed ‘high-quality listening,’ it was found to help reduce prejudice or biased attitudes in the person who was speaking and being listened to.

High-quality listening was described as being fully engaged, paying close attention, and showing understanding through acts like nodding or asking thoughtful follow-up questions.

Researchers tested this idea across three experiments involving 952 participants and concluded that high-quality listening conveyed genuine interest and respect to the speaker.

The study, also published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, discovered that good listening boosted two specific traits in the speakers: self-insight (a deeper understanding of their own thoughts, feelings, and biases) and openness to change (a greater willingness to reconsider their views).

When it comes to dating and new relationships, the research suggested that responding with genuine, high-quality questions, even to the most biased opinions, can build trust and intimacy far better than debating or dismissing a date’s view immediately.

For example, if a date says something biased, the research suggested resisting the urge to fire back with the opposite opinion and, instead, show curiosity without judgment by saying, ‘I’m really interested, can you explain what experiences shaped that feeling for you?’

Then, employ high-quality listening skills by reflecting on what you hear and avoid interrupting their response.

The studies found that these acts can create an environment where the other person feels valued, which often leads them to open up more, like you more, and possibly even question their own assumptions quietly.