Dear Eric: At 58, I find myself grappling with cirrhosis, a diagnosis I received three years ago. Although I never struggled with alcoholism, I’ve had to eliminate alcohol from my life.
While I generally manage well, occasions like holidays and social gatherings present a challenge. Watching others indulge in alcohol while I’m unable to partake can be difficult. My in-laws, many of whom enjoy drinking, add to this complexity.
I have a desire to host a holiday gathering where alcohol isn’t allowed, hoping to convey my experience and garner understanding and respect. Coming from a family with a history of addiction, where my father overcame similar challenges, I know the value of familial support.
When I proposed hosting Easter without alcohol to an in-law, I faced significant resistance, leaving me both disheartened and frustrated. I repeatedly asked for their empathy, urging them to understand the reality of attending events without drinking. Consequently, I’ve resolved to avoid spending holidays or attending weddings with them this year to safeguard my well-being.
My husband’s family hails from Poland, which contributes to a more traditional mindset. With him being the only member born in the USA, I wonder if distancing myself from them is the right choice.
This family is not from the USA but Poland. My husband was the only one born in the USA so I’m dealing with an old school mentality. Am I doing the right thing by disassociating myself from them?
– Closed Bar
Dear Bar: Creating distance from triggering situations is a healthy first step, but it may not get to the root of what’s bothering you. It’s not just about drinking in the present, it’s about drinking culture and about your history with problem drinkers, namely your father. I can’t speak to whether your relatives have a harmful relationship with alcohol as well, but refusing to go three to four hours without a drink is concerning to say the least. At best it shows that your mindset and theirs are far apart on this.
You’ve experienced a sudden change in your life and your relationship to alcohol, and you want some social support. They may not be the people to give it to you. Please consider checking out an Al-Anon meeting. This is a group for people who have been impacted by another person’s alcoholism.
Some of what you’re feeling now may be rooted in the experience you had with your father. It’s also possible that some of what’s triggering you about your family members’ relationship to alcohol is bringing back unresolved feelings from the past. One doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to have a complicated relationship with alcohol or drinking culture. Start to process your feelings about drinking; it may open up new options for how you deal with your family.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have friends that we get together with only when I contact them. We have dinner, go to concerts or the theater and always enjoy ourselves.
But they never contact us or plan anything. It’s always up to me. I have recently suggested that they plan something to no avail. I feel used and abused. What do you advise?
– Constant Planner
Dear Planner: It may be a cold comfort, but you’re not alone in this issue. Often the “planner friend” finds themselves saddled with the permanent unpaid job of social director for their friend group, simply because they’re good at it.
A slightly warmer comfort: this kind of imbalance is rarely malicious. Sometimes friends are indecisive or even anxious about planning. Some people just like to go with the flow and are truly “fine with whatever.” Sometimes friends think, “well, she loves to plan so I don’t want to take that away from her.”
Think about what you really want. Do you want to feel valued for your contribution to the friendship? Do you want to just show up to an event for once, instead of having to think it through? Those are slightly different objectives.
If what you want is the latter, then it’s time to make it plain to your friends. “I like hanging out with you, but I don’t like always planning. So, I’m putting the ball in your court. If and when you’d like to see us, let us know.”
I am wary of ultimatums, or statements that sound like ultimatums, however. A more successful path might be to share your frustration with your friends and ask them why they don’t plan. You may find that they aren’t really recognizing the extent of the problem, as you see it, despite your previous request. And maybe they have a perspective on social activity that will help you see the friendship in a different way, while alleviating the feeling of being used.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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