Dear Jane,

I’ve committed an embarrassing blunder during a family dinner, and I fear it may have permanently damaged my relationship with my relatives.

The incident occurred at our cherished annual holiday gathering, surrounded by cousins, aunts, uncles, and more. The atmosphere was lively, with drinks being generously poured.

The spotlight was on my mother due to her impressive recent weight loss, having dropped 50 pounds this year. Everyone was eager to uncover her secret to success.

As she nibbled on a tiny portion of meat and a modest serving of potatoes, scarcely touching her food, my irritation grew with each of her comments.

She lectured the entire table about how losing weight is merely a matter of sheer determination, pointing out my second helping and dessert choice with disapproval. Her mantra was diet and exercise as the path to her transformation, urging everyone to follow suit.

Three glasses of wine into the night, I had heard enough.

I stood up at the table and boldly declared: ‘How would you know? You’re on Ozempic.’

The whole room gasped. Some people choked on their drinks. My husband, seated next to me, was mortified on my behalf. I just felt drunkenly smug, while my mom was stunned into silence.

The revelation made the rest of the evening so awkward, but I didn’t realize what the fallout would truly be until several days passed without any word from my mom.

She still has not spoken to me and she won’t answer my texts or calls, despite my telling her that I’d like to apologize.

The truth is, while I do feel guilty that I outed her secret (and humiliated at the way I did so), I honestly don’t feel that bad. She was being cruel and I feel that I also deserve an apology.

How do I have a conversation about what happened?

Sincerely,

Dinner debacle

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Dinner debacle,

This is a tough situation, and a timely reminder for everyone that alcohol is rarely the answer when we find ourselves in triggering situations. For many of us, there is no greater one than the holiday season when we are surrounded by family.

Sober, you might have felt exactly the same, but it’s unlikely you would have blurted it out the way you did. 

It’s easy to blame the alcohol, but it sounds like you’re carrying resentment against your mother. When that is left to fester, it often comes out in what looks like an unprovoked attack, but is really the result of years of staying silent and putting up with bad behavior.

Although you have tried to apologize, you say that you don’t feel bad, and even that you deserve an apology. 

But it was your behavior that blew everything up and I’m not sure that demanding an apology is going to be helpful.

Anyone taking medication for any reason has the right to privacy around it. They don’t have to disclose it, and it is not anyone else’s job to do so for them. This was not your secret to share.

It’s right that you apologize, but you have to detach from how your mother reacts or whether it will achieve what you want. 

Given that she won’t talk to you, my suggestion is to write to her. Do not accuse her of anything, focus only on what you have told me – that you feel guilty and humiliated, and you hope she can forgive you and talk when she is ready.

If and when she does approach you, do not bring the kitchen sink to the conversation. Keep it very clearly in the present,  focusing on what you did wrong not how badly you thought she was behaving.

I also strongly suggest you seek some therapy to deal with issues that you are carrying with your mother. 

She may be too old and too set in her ways to fix how she treats you. However, you can learn how to cope with it and set boundaries.

In this case, perhaps you could have spoken up earlier, saying calmly that no one was comfortable hearing her comments about weight or what they choose to eat and kindly asking her to stop.

Setting boundaries is always hard, particularly with our parents, but it will pave the way to a more peaceful relationship with your mom.

Dear Jane,

My husband’s holiday tradition with his family is driving a wedge between us, but he refuses to give it up.

We live across the country from my family and rarely, if ever, see them for Thanksgiving or Christmas. His family, however, lives only a two-hour drive away so he gets to see them fairly often.

It also means that for every major holiday I, too, make the trip to see his family.

While I adore them, it isn’t the same as being with my family. So, I have been vocal the last few years about wanting to stay home for the holidays by ourselves and make our own traditions.

This has ignited multiple arguments with him, in which he wrongly accuses me of ‘hating’ his family and insists his mother would be livid if we missed a family get together. As a result, he refuses vacations planned near the holidays and always forces me to come along.

Perhaps I’m being insensitive but coming from someone who never sees family for the holidays, I think he could afford to skip a few to spend time alone with me. All I want is to create memories of us together and come up with our own traditions.

Is it unreasonable to ask him to skip the holidays with his family this year?

Sincerely,

Party pooper

Dear Party pooper,

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to start your own family traditions and, perhaps more importantly, wanting your emotional needs met. 

The holidays are a time when family dynamics come to the fore. While we would all like to believe these get togethers are going to be like something out of a Hollywood movie, the truth is often far more complicated.

The conflict here isn’t about either one of you being right. 

Your husband’s needs are valid, but yours are equally so. The current arrangement, however, is only honoring one person.

Every relationship requires compromise. You’re lucky in that you adore your husband’s family, but he shouldn’t get his way every year.

Compromise looks like this: I love your family and I know how important their traditions are. Now that we are married, we need to start our own traditions. How about every other year we celebrate Thanksgiving with everyone?

Or, perhaps you spend Thanksgiving with them and Christmas by yourselves, alternating each year.

The two of you need to come up with a plan that honors both of your families and the family you are creating. 

It is unreasonable for him to shut down all negotiation, just as it is also unreasonable that he puts his mother’s needs before his wife’s. 

Trust me, nothing good will come of that.