Like a lot of people have been doing lately, on Friday Bill Maher took a minute to make fun of the fact that none of the prominent, greatly respected American politicians who died in recent years wanted Donald Trump at their funerals. And to really drive the point home, Maher offered up a preview of the kind of eulogy someone like Trump might expect if it were given by one of the great many people who can’t stand him.
The gag, which made up the final “New Rules’ segment of the latest episode of “Real Time,” began as Maher noted that “the only bipartisan agreement we seem to have these days is that nobody wants Donald Trump at their funerals,” and then listed all the high profile examples. (They are: John McCain, Barbara Bush, Elijah Cummings, John Dingle, and John Lewis.)
“He’s the president, and people still don’t want him there,” Maher said. “What kind of spectacular prick do you have to be that everyone’s last request is ‘make sure that that a—— isn’t at my funeral’?”
Maher said he was struck by the “outpouring of love and respect from everyone that encountered” John Lewis at the congressman’s recent funeral, and joked that he felt bad because in his view no one will be talking like that at Trump’s funeral. Then Maher suggested that if Trump could only hear someone delivering a eulogy for him, he might get some insight into himself, and he proceeded to stand up and deliver a fake one, inspired by the scene in “Tom Sawyer” when Tom and Huck Finn listen in on their own funerals.
Of course, just in case Maher was careful to insist that he hopes Trump has “a long, healthy life someplace where he can’t harm America,” and specifically condemned people who would want to harm any president. Then he started the eulogy, which parodied the usual beats of funeral speeches by laying out all of Trump’s perceived character flaws in damning detail.
It’s pretty funny stuff, and we can’t really do justice to this by describing it, so read on to see the whole thing for yourself:
Dear family and frenemies of Donald Trump: Some men look at the world and ask, ‘Why?’ Donald Trump looked at the world and asked, ‘What’s in it for me?’ His generosity knew only limits, and he never once failed to put himself before others.
He was a devoted father who every day tried to teach his children the wrong lessons of life. Be quick to anger, never never let go of a grudge. See the worst in people, and treat them all equally based strictly on how much money they make and what they look like.
So many wanted to speak here today, but couldn’t break their non-disclosure agreements. And our hearts go out to Melania who RSVP’d ‘maybe.’ Donald always said he knew she was the one the moment he saw her and said those three little words: ‘add to cart.’
Donald loved so many things: money, golf, lawsuits, porn stars, dictators, organized crime, and the 35 percent of the American people who still like him. The other 65 percent can go f— themselves.
He once said that the experience of not being in Vietnam taught him the most important lesson of all: that there’s no problem so big you can’t lie your way out of it. And when it came to flouting the law he was a criminal’s criminal. And intellectually a midget among giants. A man of few words. About a hundred. Mostly ‘tremendous,’ ‘disgusting,’ ‘strongly’ and ‘s—hole.’
Donald Trump never met a man he liked. And yet he always suffered fools. You could tell him anything and he’d believed it. It’s painful to think he could still be with us if only his personal physician wasn’t that lady who believed medicine came from outer space.
Donald’s greatest hero, Winston Churchill, said of his own mortality, ‘I’m ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.’ Well, God. Trump’s your problem now.
As for me personally, I guess what I’ll miss most about Don is his dull wit. He was never laughing. And when he made you laugh, it was always unintentional. But as a walking parody of himself he was a challenge to satirize and made me a better comedian for it. He died as he lived: wearing makeup and lying in front of all of us. So fly free, whiny little bitch. Fly free. May you find the peace your Twitter thumbs never could.