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Pose the question to any man about marrying someone like his mother, and the response might be one of discomfort. Yet, according to psychological studies, this scenario is sometimes unavoidable.
Just days after Brooklyn Beckham, 26, publicly distanced himself from his family with an extensive Instagram declaration, a prominent psychotherapist suggested to the Daily Mail that the core of the Peltz-Beckham and Beckham family tension lies in a rivalry between two remarkably similar women.
Dr. Joy Conlon, a psychotherapist from Coyne Medical with expertise in behavioral psychology, explained: “There emerges a conflict of loyalty when two strong-willed women are involved, leading to both overt and covert power struggles.”
She added, “This situation leaves the man in a challenging position, trying to satisfy the emotional demands of both his mother and his partner, who are equally insistent on his attention.”
On Monday, Brooklyn revealed the underlying fractures within the polished facade of ‘Brand Beckham’.
His candid Instagram post depicted a family dynamic where affection seems conditional on public appearances and social media engagements.
But he saved the most vitriol for his mother, Victoria, who he accuses of trying to sabotage his marriage to heiress Nicola both before, during and after their $3million wedding ceremony in Miami.
On paper, the two women couldn’t be more different.
Brooklyn Peltz-Beckham with his mother Victoria (centre) and wife Nicola (left)
Nicola, 31, grew up the daughter of a billionaire, with big dreams of making it as a Hollywood star.
And although 51-year-old Victoria’s dad famously drove a Rolls Royce, her childhood in Hertfordshire was distinctly less stellar. Until she found fame as one fifth of the Spice Girls, she dreamed of becoming a ballet dancer.
However, observers have noted similarities in Nicola and Victoria’s personalities – both are self-possessed, driven, image conscious, loyal to their loved ones and fiercely ambitious.
They have each been described as demanding, notes Dr Conlon.
There may also be some similarities between Victoria’s relationship with husband David, 50, she adds.
Posh and Becks, as they’re affectionately known, are known to enjoy ostentatious displays of affection – from their lavish wedding, to tattoos devoted to one another.
The same, it turns out, could be said of Brooklyn and Nicola.
It’s these sorts of parallels, says Dr Conlon, which can lead men to inadvertently end up marrying their mothers.
Brooklyn and Nicola wed in a $3million ceremony in Miami in April 2022
And it can be most acutely seen play out for ones who have grown up being parented by an ‘intense’ woman – what might seem controlling or even coercive to an outsider, feels familiar, loving and safe to him.
There is no suggestion that Brooklyn’s relationships are in any way abusive.
However, speaking generally, Dr Conlon explained: ‘A man raised by a mother with narcissistic or emotionally unstable traits learns very early that love is unpredictable, conditional, and dependent on his behaviour.
‘His nervous system becomes calibrated to that emotional rhythm.
‘So when he later meets a woman who evokes that same emotional tone, confidence mixed with unpredictability, warmth mixed with withdrawal, his body reads it as recognition, not danger.
‘He is not consciously choosing his mother again. He is unconsciously choosing the emotional climate he learned to survive in – so later in life, attraction is guided by familiarity rather than logic.
‘His nervous system is drawn to women who evoke a similar emotional tone to what he knew growing up.’
Dr Conlon also points out that Brooklyn will have seen a similar level of tension play out between his mother and his paternal grandmother.
The two women have been noted to have similar personalities
‘Frameworks of relationships are also important,’ she said.
‘In Beckham’s case David also fell out with his parents over his marriage to Victoria and their relationship has been full of drama – so is this really surprising?’
Tension between a man’s partner and his mother can often be made worse if they both have strong, demanding personalities, or demonstrate narcissistic traits.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterised by ‘a pervasive pattern of grandiosity’, according to official sources.
People diagnosed with NPD have ‘a constant need for admiration’ and display ‘a lack of empathy’, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM.
It is estimated that up to one in 20 people in the UK may suffer from the disorder to some degree, according to research, and some experts claim it is underdiagnosed.
Specialists also warn that narcissists can be abusive because their behavior can manifest in various forms of emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse.
Should a man choose a partner on the grounds that she reminds him of his mother, then it can lead him to becoming trapped between two narcissistic, or at the very least, high maintenance women – and each of them will vie for dominance over his life.
On Monday, the eldest Beckham son, 26, launched an extraordinary online attack on his parents, accusing David, 50, and Victoria, 51, of trying to ‘ruin’ his marriage
There is no suggestion that either Victoria or Nicola suffer these disorders.
But in the case of Brooklyn, there is evidence there has been an ongoing power struggle for his affection and attention.
One potential example of Nicola positioning herself as Brooklyn’s new ‘number one woman’ came in 2024, when she stepped out wearing a vintage Dolce & Gabbana leather jacket, which was the exact same one worn by VB in 2001.
When quizzed if she had borrowed it from her mother-in-law, Nicola revealed that her own mother had bought it for her from a fashion auction after she had become enamoured with the vintage pap shot of her now husband as a child.
Dr Conlon said: ‘Both women may unconsciously compete for emotional dominance.
‘The man will be triangulated, positioned as mediator, or forced into loyalty binds. The same emotional rules apply in both relationships: approval is conditional, boundaries provoke backlash, and self-expression carries risk.’
People seeking emotionally familiar partners also explains why we often see sons fall out with their mothers shortly after marriage.
‘When a man marries or commits deeply to a partner, the emotional hierarchy shifts. If his mother has narcissistic traits, this can feel like a profound threat to her positioning. She may experience the partner as competition rather than addition,’ said Dr Conlon.
At Paris Fashion Week 2024, Nicola sported a jacket once worn by her mother-in-law
Victoria pictured in D&G biker jacket with a tearful Brooklyn in 2001
Furthermore, she questions if Victoria saw her eldest son as a ‘surrogate husband.’
Dr Conlon said: ‘When you have a husband who is often away, this can be with work or with other partners, then a mother becomes emotionally attached to a son – and this is often the eldest.
‘So this is often the root of tension when the son’s hierarchy shifts towards their partner.’
It’s not only celebrities who end up tied in knots because of their mother and choice of partner, Dr Conlon regularly sees the same patterns play out in her clinic.
She said: ‘Many men present in the therapy room as a result of recurring life experiences, that causes them much confusion, “I do not understand why I keep ending up in the same type of relationship, with the same type of woman.”
‘What is happening is they are meeting a different woman each time, but creating the same emotional experience over time – modelled on their relationship with their mother.’
‘One man I worked with came to therapy in his early forties after his third long term relationship ended. Each partner was different in background and personality, yet the emotional experience was identical,’ says Dr Conlon.
‘He described feeling confident at the start of relationships, filled with enthusiasm, excitement for his partner and then slowly becoming anxious, self-doubting, and overly focused on his partner’s moods.
Dr Conlon says that Brooklyn was likely a surrogate husband for Victoria before his marriage
He found himself constantly checking whether she was okay and adjusting his behaviour to prevent conflict.
‘As we explored his childhood, he spoke of his mother, who in many ways was wonderful, she was loving but emotionally unpredictable. She needed admiration and to be the centre of attention.
‘She struggled with boundaries and criticised him if he said or did anything that displeased her, which was quite often. When she was happy, the household felt warm and connected. When she was not, everyone felt it.
As a child, he learned to focus on keeping her regulated. Because if she was ok, then he was ok. As an adult, he kept repeating the same role. This is not a carefree environment. It is a rigid controlling environment that would make any child or adult man unhappy.’
Luckily though she says that these patterns can be changed, although it does take time and commitment.
However it is not just mothers that have narcissistic tendencies that Dr Conlon says can impact future relationships.
‘If you have your mum on a pedestal and idolise her, that can also lead to challenges in relationships,’ she says.
‘You create a framework where you focus on the partner’s good qualities and internalise the bad as your own failings.’
In his statement Brooklyn went as far as to say he has been ‘controlled by a family that values public promotion above all else’ and that since being with Nicola, he has found ‘peace’
Despite these patterns heavily informing our romantic relationships, Dr Conlon does believe that these patterns can be broken.
She explains that some habits can help to break these generational cycles.
For this to happen, she says that someone needs to learn to ‘develop emotional literacy, learn to tolerate guilt without collapsing, learn to draw and hold healthy boundaries, prioritise your needs and experience relationships that are steady rather than intense,’ she said.
‘This work is not easy. It asks someone to give up what is familiar in favour of what is healthy. But with time, support, and commitment, it is entirely possible to curate a life and relationships that are chosen consciously rather than inherited unconsciously.’
