Is your sex life leaving you wanting more? Perhaps it’s because you’re treating it like a dessert rather than a vital part of your lifestyle.

Our society tends to undervalue both pleasure and positive emotions, often seeing them as mere rewards after fulfilling what we deem significant—like pursuing ambitions and putting in hard work.

What many overlook is that pleasure is crucial for our health and overall well-being. Studies indicate that it not only contributes to a longer life but also enhances ego resilience, aids in problem-solving, and bolsters our ability to manage life’s challenges.

Thus, sex shouldn’t be just an occasional indulgence or something we engage in only once we’ve ticked off all the ‘important’ tasks.

We ought to prioritize it just as we do our mood, sleep, daily steps, and protein consumption.

As the leading expert in sexual health education in America, teaching the country’s largest class on the subject, I can affirm that the research is definitive. Enjoyable sex can reduce the risk of heart disease and dementia, strengthen the immune system, enhance cognitive abilities, and serve as a rich source of positive emotions that foster resilience, personal growth, and greater life satisfaction.

It also strengthens our relationships, leads to connection and makes us better able to tolerate our partner’s inevitable imperfections.

If they sold that in pill form, it would fly off the shelves quicker than Ozempic.

Dr McNichols is America’s number 1 sex professor, teaching the largest sexual health class in the United States

Sex shouldn’t simply be a ‘treat’ – like ice-cream – or something we only do if we have leftover energy after tending to the ‘important’ tasks

And I’m here to tell you what I tell the 4,000 students who sign up for my class every year – better sex is within reach. You can start by integrating any of these seven simple tips into your busy life.

You’ll find that creates a virtuous cycle: the better the sex, the more likely we are to prioritize having it again sooner, and before we know it, we have integrated a consistent source of pleasure in our lives that makes every other aspect of it better.

1) Schedule an ‘intimacy date’ once a week

I’m not just a sex professor. I’m also someone in a decades-long monogamous marriage with three kids, thousands of students, and two needy pets.

I understand that the idea of adding anything into your schedule, even sex, might sound daunting.

But here is the great news: studies show there is a significant health and relational benefit to having satisfying sex just once a week. Above that number, the benefits level out. Meaning you just need to find one window a week to connect with your partner.

This doesn’t mean that when a timer goes off on Wednesday at 9pm, you drop the dishes in the sink and run to the bedroom.

Instead, first, take advantage of knowing that you have sex to look forward to and let it build anticipation all day. Send a sext to your partner. Charge your toys. Wear something that makes you feel desirable.

When the date time arrives, know that women especially have a hard time going from productivity mode to intimacy mode. We need a transitional space. That might mean sharing a bath, or putting on some music and giving each other shoulder rubs, allowing your nervous systems time to relax and synch up with each other so you feel emotionally connected first. 

‘I’m not just a sex professor. I’m also someone in a decades-long monogamous marriage with three kids, thousands of students, and two needy pets’ (pictured McNichols with her family)

McNichols suggests people find one window a week to connect with their partner

That sense of emotional connection is foundational for the sense of freedom and comfort that makes sex super hot.

2) Kiss more during sex

Yes. Really. I acknowledge that rough sex is having a moment and that recent studies show that more than one-third of people aged 16 to 34 have been choked or strangled at least once during consensual sex.

Which is why it’s so important that kissing not get labelled as ‘vanilla’ and ignored.

Kissing is actually an incredibly intimate, vulnerable and hot act that increases the likelihood of orgasm in women. Keep kissing.

3) Focus on ‘micro-novelty’ over grand gestures

It’s true, the path to keeping sex exciting is through novelty, but you don’t need an astronomical amount to reap the benefits.

Research shows that just introducing one new thing a month can super-charge your sex life.

More importantly though, whatever you introduce shouldn’t feel overwhelming or performative. Go get the leather dominatrix outfit if you want it! But what’s more approachable and authentic for most people – and equally effective – are introducing types of what I call ‘micro-novelty.’

This includes trying a new position, a different technique, a new location in your home, a different time of day, or introducing light spanking, restraints, a blindfold or a new type of flavored lube.

Research shows that just introducing one new thing a month – perhaps being blindfold – can super-charge your sex life

The point is that in a world that’s emphasizing performative sex, we forget that the real key to mind blowing sexual experiences is authenticity and small changes that feel genuinely fun to try.

4) Prioritize orgasm but don’t make it your only goal

We definitely want to close the ‘orgasm gap,’ which is the eye-opening finding that, in the context of straight sex, men have an orgasm 95 percent of the time compared to women’s 65 percent.

However, orgasm as the goal pulls focus away strengthening the other two drivers of incredible sexual experiences: chemistry and caring.

Great sex, no matter the context, is an emotional, relational, and physical experience, even if just for one night.

We want to be with partners who care about making us feel good. So, shift the focus off the finish and put it back on the assortment of touch, sensations and activities that encourage memorable pleasure.

5) Communicate, communicate, communicate

Without the ability or confidence to communicate their sexual needs, 59 percent of women and 25 percent of men have defaulted to faking an orgasm at some point.

Researchers agree that the widespread prevalence of faking orgasms reflects a belief that we should all know how to please each other without talking.

The path to eliminating faking involves learning to feel comfortable giving and soliciting consistent feedback through verbal, visual, and behavioral cues.

Lack of communication leads to more than half of women and a quarter of men faking orgasms 

Great questions to start with include:

What’s the best sex we’ve ever had? What made it amazing?

When do you feel the sexiest or most attractive?

What’s your favorite way for me to initiate sex?

What is your idea of amazing foreplay?

Can you show me how you like to be touched?

What’s something I do during sex that you love?

What’s something we do during sex that we could try doing differently?

We should be prioritizing sex in the same way we monitor our mood, sleep, steps and protein intake, says McNichols

Which sexual positions are your favorite?

What’s something unique about your body that you could teach me so I can make sex more pleasurable for you?

Name something you’ve fantasized about or wanted to try but haven’t initiated because you feel embarrassed or guilty about it?

6) Invest effort into setting the mood

This might mean lighting some candles, lowering the lights, playing music and slowing down.

For the romantics among you, you’ll be pleased to know that people who said, ‘I love you’ to their partner during sex have been found to be much more likely to report having an orgasm than people who don’t.

7) Focus on your own personal growth

This might seem counterintuitive for sex advice but it’s true.

With so many demands on us, we might feel like we never get enough time with our partners. And women are often socialized to put our own happiness on the back burner.

But research shows that when we focus on cultivating the aspects of life that light us up individually and then bring that joy and excitement back to share with our partner, it can actually increase that all-important sense of novelty, making us more attracted and attractive to our partner. 

Set the mood – with candles, music, and low lights

So, this year, maybe take a class, go on a solo trip, or start a new hobby, then share those experiences with your partner and watch the sparks fly.

Ultimately, just knowing that sex is important and truly good for you will help you to move it back to the top of your priorities. From there the sky is the limit.

You Could Be Having Better Sex: The Definitive Guide to a Happier, Healthier, and Hotter Sex Life by Dr Nicole McNichols is published by Simon Element, February 3