Unraveling the Heartache: How Families Cope with the Paralyzing Grief of Ambiguous Loss

In February, Lynette Pino was inundated with news reports about Nancy Guthrie’s disappearance. However, she consciously decided not to let the constant coverage overwhelm her.

Pino shares a painful connection with NBC “Today” co-host Savannah Guthrie’s family. Her own son, Darian Nevayaktewa, vanished nearly 18 years ago after leaving for Arizona to visit his father before starting a new school year.

“I could see the longing for answers in their expressions,” Pino, who resides in Tesuque Pueblo, New Mexico, remarked. “What steps can we take next? This is exactly how I feel. There are no answers. All I can do is pray for them and for others who are missing.”

She added, “Why would anyone take an elderly lady?”

Pino and the Guthries are confronting what experts refer to as ambiguous loss, a deeply unsettling and potentially permanent absence of a loved one. Such loss can occur through abductions, runaways, specific natural disasters, or war. It can also be the result of dementia, where family members become unrecognizable to their loved ones.

“They’re trapped in their grief, experiencing a profound sense of helplessness,” explained Tai Mendenhall, a medical family therapist at the University of Minnesota and leader of a mental health disaster team. “There is no clear resolution. Research shows that ambiguous loss is the most psychologically distressing type of loss due to this uncertainty.”

Pauline Boss is a pioneer in the field and is credited with coming up with the term. In the 1970s, she interviewed women in California whose husbands were missing in action in the Vietnam War. Boss and Mendenhall worked with families after the 9/11 terrorist attack at New York’s World Trade Center.

Guthries cope with prayer

Nancy Guthrie, 84, who lived alone, was reported missing from her Tucson-area home Feb. 1. Savannah Guthrie says her mother was “taken in the dark of night from her bed.” The FBI released video more than a week later from a camera outside Nancy Guthrie’s front door showing a masked stranger. Her blood was found on the porch, but the case remains unsolved.

The odd circumstances and Savannah Guthrie’s celebrity as a TV personality have turned the investigation into a major news story. Guthrie has made videos, some with siblings Annie and Camron, in which she repeatedly appealed for her mother’s release and lately offered a $1 million reward for information.

“As my sister says, ‘We are blowing on the embers of hope,’ ” Guthrie said on Feb. 24, her eyes red.

Guthrie, Annie and brother-in-law Tommaso Cioni recently placed flowers at a roadside memorial at the home. They reached down to read handwritten notes and consoled each other with deep hugs. Guthrie also returned Thursday for an emotional reunion with her NBC colleagues in New York.

She has referred to her Christian faith during the ordeal, asking people earlier on Instagram to “raise your prayers with us” and acknowledging recently that Nancy Guthrie might already be in heaven dancing “with our daddy.” It’s something that can help people cope with ambiguous loss, experts say.

“When people turn toward their faith, that is where they find solace,” Mendenhall said. “Oftentimes the power of faith comes from the communities that inhabit it. Sometimes the best treatment for ambiguous loss is a community group, people who have had this shared experience.”

Son’s trip turns into mystery

Pino said she regularly turns to prayer as she copes with the plight of her missing son, who was 19 when he vanished in June 2008. Nevayaktewa’s disappearance is among many unsolved cases of violent crime in Native American communities. The FBI last year said it was sending extra agents, analysts and other personnel to 10 states to try to make a difference.

“He wanted to go see his dad on the Hopi reservation in Arizona,” Pino said of her son. “I just remember that day hugging him, telling him he only needed a half-semester to graduate from high school. He wasn’t there long, maybe a week, before he disappeared. Someone took him somewhere — I don’t know. Hard to say.”

Savannah Guthrie said her family is donating $500,000 to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, citing “millions of families that have suffered” with similar uncertainty.

Pino said she prayed and lit candles for Nevayaktewa during a trip to Arizona last summer around the anniversary of his disappearance.

“Do not give up hope,” Pino said she would tell the Guthries. “Don’t let law enforcement put it aside.”