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Married At First Sight recap: The REAL killer of Poppy and Luke’s marriage

Over at Peter Alexander HQ, the staff celebrate yet another big win for the year, as they add ‘ruining a TV marriage’ to their impressive first quarter results. 

Signing a Married At First Sight product placement deal was a genius move from the pyjama giants, who are well aware of the contraceptive powers of Bert and Ernie.

The big story on Monday night was Poppy doing the Usain Bolt after moving into her marital apartment with Luke – a Big Bird onesie bulge may have that effect.

The REAL killer: The big story on Monday night's MAFS was Poppy doing the Usain Bolt after moving into her marital apartment with Luke

The REAL killer: The big story on Monday night's MAFS was Poppy doing the Usain Bolt after moving into her marital apartment with Luke

The REAL killer: The big story on Monday night’s MAFS was Poppy doing the Usain Bolt after moving into her marital apartment with Luke 

 Welcome to Intimacy Week

 

Intimacy Weak: John Aiken had a genius idea for how to spice up the newlyweds' first nights in their marital apartments. INTIMACY WEEK. Where each couple needs to come up with a tailor-made task for their partner

Intimacy Weak: John Aiken had a genius idea for how to spice up the newlyweds' first nights in their marital apartments. INTIMACY WEEK. Where each couple needs to come up with a tailor-made task for their partner

Intimacy Weak: John Aiken had a genius idea for how to spice up the newlyweds’ first nights in their marital apartments. INTIMACY WEEK. Where each couple needs to come up with a tailor-made task for their partner

John Aiken had a genius idea for how to spice up the newlyweds’ first nights in their marital apartments. Introducing INTIMACY WEEK. 

Well, at least it’s better than ‘Massage Month’, which was Mel Schilling’s suggestion.

Apparently, ‘Intimacy Week’ is also code for ‘product placement’ as the couples were sent to Peter Alexander to buy some raunchy sleepwear.

Unfortunately, it was Disney and Sesame Street season at the time of filming. Nothing spices up a lovemaking session like having a Muppet with an appetite for baked goods staring up at you while you’re doing the deed.

Product Placement week: Apparently, 'Intimacy Week' is also code for 'product placement' as the couples were sent to Peter Alexander to buy some raunchy sleepwear

Product Placement week: Apparently, 'Intimacy Week' is also code for 'product placement' as the couples were sent to Peter Alexander to buy some raunchy sleepwear

Product Placement week: Apparently, ‘Intimacy Week’ is also code for ‘product placement’ as the couples were sent to Peter Alexander to buy some raunchy sleepwear

That's hot! Nothing spices up a lovemaking session like having a Muppet with a crippling cookie addiction staring up at you while you're doing the deed

That's hot! Nothing spices up a lovemaking session like having a Muppet with a crippling cookie addiction staring up at you while you're doing the deed

That’s hot! Nothing spices up a lovemaking session like having a Muppet with a crippling cookie addiction staring up at you while you’re doing the deed

How Much Do MAFS Stars Make? 

According to infamous alumni Nasser Sultan, the base rate of pay is around $150-per-day for the cast.

‘Out of that, we’ve got to buy our own food and we’ve got to pay our own bills, so it’s really not much money,’ he said

Breakout stars such as Jessika Power were able to negotiate daily salaries as high as $300

The show films for just under three months, which would mean the total salary ranges from $13,500 to $27,000 

‘Studies show that most Australians confuse intimacy for sex. But true intimacy is about building an emotional bond with your partner,’ John explained in a letter.

‘This week, it’s up to each individual to come up with a tailor-made task for their partner, to help build intimacy, both physical…

Cathy and Josh 

Cathy and Josh took this as an opportunity to christen their third bed in a week.

‘Pop some Hydralytes and a clean towel outside the door and we’ll see you guys in a week!’ they said, slamming the door behind them.

NEXT

It's Sex Week! Cathy and Josh took the opportunity to christen the marital bed. 'Pop some Hydralytes and a clean towel outside the door and we'll see you guys in a week!' they said

It's Sex Week! Cathy and Josh took the opportunity to christen the marital bed. 'Pop some Hydralytes and a clean towel outside the door and we'll see you guys in a week!' they said

It’s Sex Week! Cathy and Josh took the opportunity to christen the marital bed. ‘Pop some Hydralytes and a clean towel outside the door and we’ll see you guys in a week!’ they said

Michael and Stacey   

Vul-ner-ahh screw it: Michael gave up on reading the instructions after stumbling over the word 'vulnerability' and decided to skip straight to the tailor-made task

Vul-ner-ahh screw it: Michael gave up on reading the instructions after stumbling over the word 'vulnerability' and decided to skip straight to the tailor-made task

Vul-ner-ahh screw it: Michael gave up on reading the instructions after stumbling over the word ‘vulnerability’ and decided to skip straight to the tailor-made task

Michael gave up on reading the letter after stumbling over the word ‘vulnerability’ and decided to skip straight to the tailor-made task.  

It was pitched as a bonding exercise, but the Ice Cube baron considered it to be more of a prank competition.

‘For my prank, I’ll be forcing Stacey to take her makeup off and expose her rubbish hair extensions in public!’ he beamed.

Can not compute: Michael seemed to think it was 'Prank Week'. 'For my prank, I'll be forcing Stacey to take her makeup off and expose her rubbish hair extensions in public!' he said

Can not compute: Michael seemed to think it was 'Prank Week'. 'For my prank, I'll be forcing Stacey to take her makeup off and expose her rubbish hair extensions in public!' he said

Can not compute: Michael seemed to think it was ‘Prank Week’. ‘For my prank, I’ll be forcing Stacey to take her makeup off and expose her rubbish hair extensions in public!’ he said

‘I’ve seen her in her rawest form, and now it’s ready for the world to see her too.’

Stacey invoked the old ‘Survivor contraband’ loophole and slathered on a few tubs of tinted moisturiser, so she hardly looked any different.

Stacey 2.0! Stacey invoked the old 'Survivor contraband' loophole and slathered on a few tubs of tinted moisturiser, so she hardly looked any different

Stacey 2.0! Stacey invoked the old 'Survivor contraband' loophole and slathered on a few tubs of tinted moisturiser, so she hardly looked any different

Michael: Prank week sucks!

Michael: Prank week sucks!

 Stacey 2.0! Stacey invoked the old ‘Survivor contraband’ loophole and slathered on a few tubs of tinted moisturiser, so she hardly looked any different

Everything went to crap the next morning. For the second time in a week, we learned that Michael had turned into a ‘bit of a d**k’ after downing 3 bottles of bubbly the night before.

‘That is it, he is done in my eyes,’ Stacey claimed. 

Fool me once: Everything went to crap the next morning. For the second time in a week, we learned that Michael had turned into a 'bit of a d**k' after downing 3 bottles of bubbly

Fool me once: Everything went to crap the next morning. For the second time in a week, we learned that Michael had turned into a 'bit of a d**k' after downing 3 bottles of bubbly

Fool me once: Everything went to crap the next morning. For the second time in a week, we learned that Michael had turned into a ‘bit of a d**k’ after downing 3 bottles of bubbly

 Mishel and Steve

Sex-o'clock: Steve spoke to producers about how the Peter Alexander tie-in could be his ticket to finally get to third base with Mishel, as he eyed off some lacy underwear

Sex-o'clock: Steve spoke to producers about how the Peter Alexander tie-in could be his ticket to finally get to third base with Mishel, as he eyed off some lacy underwear

Sex-o’clock: Steve spoke to producers about how the Peter Alexander tie-in could be his ticket to finally get to third base with Mishel, as he eyed off some lacy underwear

Steve spoke to producers about how the Peter Alexander tie-in could be key to finally getting to third base with Mishel.

Upon arrival, his beeline towards the lacy underwear section was interrupted by what sounded like a smoke alarm. 

‘OMG ARGHHH ELMO!’ it squealed.

Oh never mind, that’s just the sound of Mishel finding the  Sesame Street section. 

False (fire) alarm: Steve's beeline towards the lingerie was interrupted by a fire siren that turned out to be Mishel squealing. 'OMG ARGHHH ELMO!' she cried, as Steve's plan came crashing down

False (fire) alarm: Steve's beeline towards the lingerie was interrupted by a fire siren that turned out to be Mishel squealing. 'OMG ARGHHH ELMO!' she cried, as Steve's plan came crashing down

False (fire) alarm: Steve’s beeline towards the lingerie was interrupted by a fire siren that turned out to be Mishel squealing. ‘OMG ARGHHH ELMO!’ she cried, as Steve’s plan came crashing down

Amanda and Tash

Hurt and Burny: Turns out Bert and Ernie weren't the key to jump-starting Tash's sex drive either, so the pair resort to an emergency counselling session with John

Hurt and Burny: Turns out Bert and Ernie weren't the key to jump-starting Tash's sex drive either, so the pair resort to an emergency counselling session with John

Hurt and Burny: Turns out Bert and Ernie weren’t the key to jump-starting Tash’s sex drive either, so the pair resort to an emergency counselling session with John

Amanda checked in for a counselling session at Steve and Mishel’s apartment, and it turns out Bert and Ernie weren’t the key to jump-starting Tash’s sex drive either. 

Amanda ignored Steve’s suggestion that she ‘soften her approach’ and decided to invite John to host a crisis meeting with her and Tash instead.

‘How are we, guys?’ he squawked, after bursting through the doors a good thirty minutes late.

Hereeee's Johnny! 'How are we, guys?' he squawked, after bursting through the doors a good thirty minutes late. Obviously rubbish John, that's why you're here

Hereeee's Johnny! 'How are we, guys?' he squawked, after bursting through the doors a good thirty minutes late. Obviously rubbish John, that's why you're here

Hereeee’s Johnny! ‘How are we, guys?’ he squawked, after bursting through the doors a good thirty minutes late. Obviously rubbish John, that’s why you’re here

Jesus Christ John! Maybe try softening your approach? 

If everything was peachy, you wouldn’t have had to put a hold on alphabetising your postage stamp collection to put a clean shirt on and drive over here, mate.

After hearing them out, John concluded: ‘I think you guys just have a different fight style.’ 

Alright Rocky Balboa. Why didn’t you pick that up in the interview process?

Rocky road: After hearing them out, John concluded: 'I think you guys just have a different fight style.' Alright Rocky Balboa. Why didn't you pick that up in the interview process?

Rocky road: After hearing them out, John concluded: 'I think you guys just have a different fight style.' Alright Rocky Balboa. Why didn't you pick that up in the interview process?

Rocky road: After hearing them out, John concluded: ‘I think you guys just have a different fight style.’ Alright Rocky Balboa. Why didn’t you pick that up in the interview process?

 Poppy and Luke

Poppy decides to dump Luke, right around the time they're due to go to Peter Alexander

Poppy decides to dump Luke, right around the time they're due to go to Peter Alexander

Much to Poppy's disgust, Luke is too nice to be upset

Much to Poppy's disgust, Luke is too nice to be upset

Poppy pops off: Right about the time they were due for their mandatory trip to Peter Alexander, Poppy decided to leave the experiment and go home

Poppy was stroppy from the get go after Luke had the nerve to suggest he might consider leaving the experiment if she didn’t start being nice to him.

Then, right about the time they were due for their mandatory trip to Peter Alexander, Poppy decided to leave the experiment and go home.

‘I just miss my kids,’ she lied, spouting the same line she’s been using all season.

Her excuse: 'I just miss my kids,' she lied, spouting the same line she's been using all season. An exit interview later revealed that Poppy just wasn't into Luke

Her excuse: 'I just miss my kids,' she lied, spouting the same line she's been using all season. An exit interview later revealed that Poppy just wasn't into Luke

Her excuse: ‘I just miss my kids,’ she lied, spouting the same line she’s been using all season. An exit interview later revealed that Poppy just wasn’t into Luke

A leaked exit interview later revealed Poppy wasn’t into Luke and couldn’t ‘stick around for something that isn’t absolute true love.’

I reckon she caught a glimpse of Steve in his Grover onesie, threw up a bit in her mouth and decided the prospect of seeing Luke’s Big Bird bulge wasn’t worth the estimated $150-a-day she earns for being there. 

The REAL reason: I reckon she caught a glimpse of Steve in his Grover onesie, threw up a bit in her mouth and decided the prospect of seeing Luke's Big Bird bulge wasn't worth the estimated $150-a-day she earns for being there

The REAL reason: I reckon she caught a glimpse of Steve in his Grover onesie, threw up a bit in her mouth and decided the prospect of seeing Luke's Big Bird bulge wasn't worth the estimated $150-a-day she earns for being there

The REAL reason: I reckon she caught a glimpse of Steve in his Grover onesie, threw up a bit in her mouth and decided the prospect of seeing Luke’s Big Bird bulge wasn’t worth the estimated $150-a-day she earns for being there

…And the rest 

Oh Connie! Connie's idea of intimacy is confiscating Jonethen's phone for a week and forcing him to write her a love letter. Hers was touching. His just said 'SOS'

Oh Connie! Connie's idea of intimacy is confiscating Jonethen's phone for a week and forcing him to write her a love letter. Hers was touching. His just said 'SOS'

Oh Connie! Connie’s idea of intimacy is confiscating Jonethen’s phone for a week and forcing him to write her a love letter. Hers was touching. His just said ‘SOS’ 

Connie’s idea of intimacy is confiscating Jonethen’s phone for a week and forcing him to write her a love letter. Hers was touching. His just said ‘SOS’.

David asked Hayley what her ‘favourite intimate act is’, and shockingly didn’t respond with a word starting with ‘H, B, or P’.

‘My favourite intimate act is someone giving me decency and respect. Just the basics,’ she said. 

RUN, David, get out while you still can!

Hayley and David: Elsewhere, Hayley went into Peter Alexander and said ‘I’ll have the shirt that describes me in most social situations’

Hayley and David: Elsewhere, Hayley went into Peter Alexander and said ‘I’ll have the shirt that describes me in most social situations’

Hayley and David: Elsewhere, Hayley went into Peter Alexander and said ‘I’ll have the shirt that describes me in most social situations’

Meanwhile, in boring land, Vanessa eyed off a box of condoms. ‘Won’t be needing these any time soon!’ she quipped. 

Because Chris has the FLU, Vanessa – keep it in your pants.

Can someone check in on Ivan and Aleks? We didn’t hear from them all episode and one of them is clearly a serial killer.

Boring land: Meanwhile, in boring land, Vanessa eyes off a box of condoms. 'Won't be needing these any time soon!' she quipped. Because Chris has the FLU, Vanessa - keep it in your pants

Boring land: Meanwhile, in boring land, Vanessa eyes off a box of condoms. 'Won't be needing these any time soon!' she quipped. Because Chris has the FLU, Vanessa - keep it in your pants

Boring land: Meanwhile, in boring land, Vanessa eyes off a box of condoms. ‘Won’t be needing these any time soon!’ she quipped. Because Chris has the FLU, Vanessa – keep it in your pants

Source: dailymail UK

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