Spending money to question my entire existence? Sign me up!

I decided to take three of the most popular DNA tests on the market – MyHeritage, AncestryDNA and 23andMe – because why not dive headfirst into an existential crisis?

Being from Bulgaria and knowing next to nothing about my dad’s side of the family, I figured, ‘This is the way to go!’

He left home as I was entering my teenage years and was never close to his own parents. That left me with a lifetime of questions about where I really came from. 

Growing up in the remote mountain village of Glozhene as an only child, our house was often quite empty. 

As a child, I didn’t have access to any tools that could help me figure out my background. The only clue my dad left me was a vague story about his family having ties to the Roman Empire.

A few months ago, I delved into the online world of genetic testing. Little did I know that the results would make for some frustrating and uncomfortable reading! 

So, If you’re ready to come face to face with the truth that you may have dated a family member, jump right in. 

Each test is DIY-friendly: order online, follow the instructions and send off your sample.

With MyHeritage, you’ll need to swab your cheek, while AncestryDNA and 23andMe require you to spit into a tiny tube.

Once that’s done, just register your kit, pop it in the post and wait.

Prices ranged from ‘budget-friendly but probably accurate?’ to ‘why did I pay this much to end up more confused? 

A word of warning: patience is key. On average, my results took about four weeks to arrive, with one test taking nearly two months.

Test one: MyHeritage – The bargain revelation 

First up, MyHeritage, which cost a modest £33. The results? Turns out, I’m not as Eastern European as I thought.

That said, I was impressed by how my geographical data was presented – my results appeared in a swirling globe animation, highlighting my ancestors’ former homes.

According to them, I’m 71.1 per cent Balkan, 18.6 per cent Greek and Italian, 6.2 per cent North and West European and 4.1 per cent East Asian.

Should I be learning how to make baklava or pasta from scratch? The crisis had officially begun. However, I told myself – with an Italian name like mine, it was bound to happen!

But that was just the beginning.

Plot twist: I also discovered that my childhood crush is actually my third cousin.

Yes, you read that correctly. An innocent browse through my DNA relatives turned into an uncomfortable phone call with my grandmother.

Me: ‘Grandma, this name looks very familiar…’

Her: ‘You don’t remember? You told everyone you’d marry him!’

Well, guess I dodged that bullet.

I still remember how we met – at a gathering for Bulgaria’s National Day. I was ten, anxiously waiting to recite a poem with the other kids. He happened to be the kid next to me, holding my hand to calm me down.

I was never the same after that. But at the time, it didn’t work out – there was a three-year age gap, and that felt like a lot back then.

For a moment, I thought about messaging him, just to see if he remembered. But some mysteries are best left unsolved – especially after discovering he’s now married with a baby.

Test two: AncestryDNA – The pasta betrayal

Next up, AncestryDNA, setting me back £79. This test, I thought, would confirm my MyHeritage results and solidify my identity…

First, the website is sleek, with interactive visuals and vibrant diagrams that made exploring my ethnicity estimate simple and engaging.

However, according to this one, I’m 87 per cent Balkan and 13 per cent Greek and Albanian – no Italian in sight. The betrayal!

I had already promised my Italian flatmate we’d be making homemade pasta together. Now I have to pretend I’m still connected to my fake Italian roots or come clean about my culinary fraud.

The moral dilemma is real.

So far, we know one thing for sure – I am definitely not a fake Bulgarian.  

Test Three: 23andMe – The expensive vague one

Lastly, the crème de la crème of DNA tests – 23andMe. At £89 for the basic version (or up to £159 if you want a health report to tell you that you might have anxiety – groundbreaking), I thought this was the big one. The test that would tell me once and for all who I really am.

And the result?

99.8 per cent Southern European. No further details. Nothing too specific about Italians, Greeks or any distant Scandinavian warriors. Just a vague, ‘Yep, you’re from somewhere in this massive chunk of Europe.’  

The only new detail? I will admit – it pinpointed the Bulgarian Mountains.

Great, but what do I do with the other ten countries lumped into ‘Southern European’? Flip a coin?

After clicking through a large map highlighted in blue, it suggests I could just as easily be from Romania or Serbia as from Greece. 

Greece, it seems, triumphed over Italy in my genetic results – so I suppose I’ll take that along with my expected Bulgarian roots.

But even this test couldn’t solve the mystery of where I truly come from!  

The fact that the genetics testing giant recently filed for bankruptcy only adds to my worries – just what’s happening with my genetic data now?

Some 15 million users were urged to wipe their profiles over fears their DNA information could be sold. 

For a company that’s been used by law enforcement to solve high-profile cold cases, I believed that there would no longer be a question mark above Stella’s heritage. 

After all that, the most conclusive test in my opinion was actually the cheapest one – MyHeritage. 

It broke down more components and even revealed to me that maybe my dad’s stories were true. For once… It turns out I do have an Italian heritage.

So, what have I learned from this expensive genetic rollercoaster? 

There is always a chance you might be dating your cousin. 

Would I still recommend it? Absolutely! Because nothing says ‘fun’ like paying for a full-blown identity crisis!