Lucy Shared Her Coming Out Journey with Her Chinese Mom and Took Her to Therapy Afterwards

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When Lucy Xu came out to her mother as a bisexual at age 19, she didn’t expect the response to be so painful.

Knowing her mother’s stance against same-sex marriage, Xu was mentally prepared that her mother might cut her off. But her response was much sadder than Xu had expected, which broke her heart.

Born in Melbourne to two Chinese migrants, Xu was close to her mum growing up. Her dad died when she was 13, leaving her mother to raise her and her elder brother solo.

But as Xu began to embrace her most authentic self in her late teens, the pain of being cut off from her mother added to the grief of having lost her father.

“It was the most painful thing of my life. I can’t imagine ever going through that again,” she says.

A Chinese girl holds a white rabbit and stands next to her mother.

Young Chinese Australian Lucy Xu (pictured left as a child) says going no contact with her mother after coming out was the most painful period of her life. Source: Supplied / Lucy Xu

The 24-year-old publishing and editing postgraduate student is one of many young Chinese Australians who struggle to balance being their authentic selves with being ‘good’ children to their first-generation Chinese Australian parents.

She explains the conflict stems from the divide between generally progressive values held by young Chinese Australians and the more traditional values often held by their parents.

For LGBTIQ+ young people like Xu, that divide can be particularly personal.

“I think also being Asian Australian, growing up in Australia, especially surrounded by a lot more majoritively white communities, you kind of feel like you exist in this third space where you are Australian, but you’re not really, and you are Chinese, but you’re also not really.

“So it feels like when you lose something, it’s so much more impactful because you already didn’t have as much as someone else who was white growing up in Australia.”

A young Chinese girl in a pink leotard with balloons on her back poses with her arms on her waist.

Lucy Xu (pictured as a child) wants to embrace her authentic self with the support of her Chinese-Australian family. Source: Supplied / Lucy Xu

Family therapy and a letter

One year after her mum first cut contact, Xu decided to reach out to her and proposed an unusual request: they go to therapy together.

Her mother had previously attended counselling sessions to process the loss of her husband, Xu’s father. Understanding the benefits of talk therapy, she agreed to the request.

But finding the right therapist proved a challenging task for Xu, as her mother speaks Mandarin. While Xu can speak a little, she’s not fluent. She also wasn’t sure where to find therapists specialising in LGBTIQ+ mental health support while understanding intergenerational cultural dynamics.

“So I just googled ‘Asian therapists who are in LGBTQ groups in Melbourne’ and it came out with the contact of a Malaysian therapist who’s also a gay man,” she says.

A young Chinese woman in academic regalia holds a bunch of flowers, standing next to her mother in front of the Royal Exhibition Building in Melbourne.

To reconcile with her mother after coming out as a bisexual, Lucy Xu invited her mother to go through family therapy together. Source: Supplied / Lucy Xu

Xu says the therapist — who speaks both Mandarin and English — has been key to helping her express feelings about her sexuality and communicate with her mother.

Before embarking on a six-month therapy journey, Xu wrote a letter to her mother. In it, she tells her that she loves her and hopes she will come to accept her for who she is, saying: “I love myself and know myself.”

“I just remember afterwards she had a lot more questions for me about my sexuality,” Xu says.

So she wanted to understand more and know more about this part of me, which I was really grateful for

“She was much more open talking about the topic with me, even if she didn’t fully accept it.”

A group of friends stands in front of the pub with rainbow flags.

Growing up in a bilingual household, Lucy Xu (second from right) says it was challenging to figure out the exact words to use when coming out to her mother. Source: Supplied / Lucy Xu

‘This is who I am’

When coming out as gay to his family, Hong Kong-Australian filmmaker Victor Wu also wrote a letter to his parents, who both worked as a public servant in Hong Kong before arriving in Australia.

“I just kind of spelled out exactly how I felt, what my position was, which was that I was not asking for approval, I was not asking for acceptance,” the 39-year-old says.

“[I wrote that] this is who I am. Their decision is whether they accept it, but their decision affects whether they have a place in my life.”

With support from his elder sibling, Wu’s parents accepted his identity. But even before their son came out, Wu’s parents already noticed stereotypes perpetuated against LGBTIQ+ people within certain parts of the Chinese-speaking expat community.

Two young Chinese boys are held by their mother, with their father on the left.

Hong Kong Australian filmmaker Victor Wu (right) says he wrote a letter to his parents when coming out as gay. Source: Supplied / Victor Wu

He recalls that when his parents first arrived in Australia in 1994, they were introduced to an evangelical church that a longtime friend from Hong Kong also attended.

“We came back one day from church and mum was talking about how vicious the people at that church were about gay people, and how cruel they were,” Wu says.

“But then she followed up saying that, ‘you know, gay people are just mentally ill, they just needed to be treated’.”

These conflicted views aren’t uncommon within the Chinese community in Australia, Wu says, while noting progress on marriage equality and LGBTIQ+ rights more generally has made many Chinese Australians more accepting toward queer people.

But the Chinese diaspora was among the groups targeted during the 2017 Marriage Law Postal Survey, with leaflets containing misinformation about same-sex marriage that claimed it would threaten their cultural values and identities.

Wu says while homophobia still exists in the community, there has been a shift in terms of what people are fearful of.

“In the past, Chinese people or parents would see homosexuality as immoral,” he says.

“But now gay marriage is legal, they won’t think it’s immoral, but rather, they are scared of how they would be viewed if other people know their kids are gay,” Wu says, adding his parents once expressed concern about how coming out could affect his career.

Increasing everyday visibility within community

Wu believes the solution to counter lingering homophobia is to increase the everyday visibility of LGBTIQ+ people from the Chinese diaspora.

[It’s about] seeing people in our own communities, not seeing something in the media, but seeing some people in our schools, our workmates, weekend Chinese schools … that’s going to change their minds.

It’s a belief that underpins Wu’s latest film, To Freely Flourish, which features a Chinese-Australian teenager coming out to his family at the height of the marriage equality debate.

He also wants a broader range of Chinese-focused LGBTIQ+ stories to be portrayed in Australian media and entertainment.

“I think part of the problem is because the narratives in the media and storytelling are still so much around pain and tragedy and loss, and it’s because we don’t have these positive stories that queerness is equated to sadness, death, tragedy and pain,” he says.

A young Chinese boy sitting in a car, looking out of the window, with the film title To Freely Flourish printed on the right.

Victor Wu says his film, To Freely Flourish, aims to counter the stigma some LGBTIQ+ Chinese Australians face. Source: Supplied / Victor Wu

According to the 2021 Census, around two in 10 LGBTIQ+ Australians were born overseas, with 4.9 per cent of them speaking a language other than English at home.

Having experienced the struggle of coming out in a cross-cultural setting firsthand, both Wu and Xu say getting involved with an LGBTIQ+ peer collective with shared cultural backgrounds has been helpful for them in navigating the challenges.

Four adults and a young child pose for a picture, standing next to a film poster and in front of a wooden background.

After reading his letter, Victor Wu’s parents decided to embrace their son’s sexuality and gender identity. Source: Supplied / Victor Wu

“I think there’s already people doing amazing things and leading the community, creating community … but we’re not going to really learn about them as household names till much later,” Wu says.

How to prepare for ‘the talk’

Before broaching a conversation about sexuality or gender identity with parents, Ryan Qian from the health organisation for people of diverse sexualities and genders, ACON’s peer education program, says it’s important to know that coming out isn’t “necessary”.

“It feels like a social pressure to put on you that you have to come out, and it has to be a grounded thing,” he says.

These things take time, and it’s not just for you but also for your parents — some people can prepare for months or years.

For those considering coming out to their parents, Qian suggests joining a culturally specific LGBTIQ+ peer support group to navigate the balance between pursuing personal authenticity and maintaining cultural roots.

Qian says writing a letter can also be helpful for young people from multicultural backgrounds in communicating sensitive and personal matters with their parents.

“Coming out has such a great impact when it comes to you and your family. It’s a great challenge if you don’t know how your parents are going to react, and sometimes language can be lost in translation,” he says.

He stresses it’s important to have a backup plan and prepare for adverse reactions before having the talk, such as researching emergency housing and counselling services to support the potential fallout with family.

“Having a support network is essential before you come out.”

— With additional reporting by Bertin Huynh and Dennis Fang