Dear Jane,

I’ve cherished my friendships with the same group of people for over ten years. We connected during our college days and have maintained a strong bond ever since.

Though our lives have branched out in different directions—some of us are married, others have children, and some are still single—we still prioritize meeting up for dinner or drinks every few weeks.

However, one constant remains: one friend in our circle consistently takes things too far.

Back when we were 21, it was somewhat amusing. We were still learning the balance between enjoying a night out and avoiding overindulgence.

Abby, as we’ll call her, was always the friend who drank too much, often ending the night either hugging the toilet or passed out on the couch amid empty bottles.

That behavior is not so humorous now that we’re 35.

Whenever we’re with Abby – who is perpetually single – she drinks double or triple what the rest of us do, then we’re forced to carry her all the way home. She seems to have a good laugh the next morning. Meanwhile, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with babysitting her whenever she’s had a few too many.

It has got so bad that the last time we all hung out, we purposefully didn’t invite her and instead spent the dinner discussing whether she has an alcohol problem.

We don’t see Abby often enough to determine just how frequently she binge drinks, but this pattern has us concerned about her wellbeing. But we’re worried that initiating a conversation about it will ruin our relationship with her. 

Do we stage an intervention and risk hurting her feelings, or do we pretend like nothing is wrong?

Sincerely,

Fearful friend

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Fearful friend,

It is immeasurably painful to watch people we love act in ways that cause them harm.

And, when it comes to addiction, talking to our loved ones about it doesn’t always have the desired result.

Much of the time, the addict feels awash with shame, then punishes the people who tried to stage the intervention. 

And often, people who try to help will only end up enabling the behavior and making it worse.

Because the truth is nobody stops drinking until they are ready to stop drinking.

Unfortunately, that often doesn’t happen until they have reached what 12-step programs call ‘rock bottom.’

So, while Abby is making choices that everyone else disapproves of, she is unlikely to change her behavior until her life starts to go wrong.

Alcoholism is also a self-diagnosed disease – one that usually requires help.

You know Abby drinks too much, but Abby is the only one who gets to decide whether she is or is not an alcoholic. But until she is ready to acknowledge that she has a problem, there is sadly little to be done other than to love her – with clear boundaries. 

Perhaps one of those boundaries involves not inviting her to events centered around drinking. When she asks why she is not invited, you can tell her kindly and clearly that you are not comfortable with the amount she drinks so she will not be invited to gatherings with alcohol.

But really, the only way forward is to detach with love. 

You can tell her that you worry about her drinking, but even then, you can’t have any expectations that things will change.

In fact, the first step of al-anon, the program to support friends and families of addicts and alcoholics, is to acknowledge that we are powerless over people, places and things.

All this to say, Abby has her own journey. 

It is a hard situation, and I highly recommend finding an al-anon meeting to help you figure out your next steps. That way, you can learn how to avoid getting pulled in by the chaos that invariably comes from loving someone who drinks too much.