Navigating the breakdown of a relationship is often fraught with emotional challenges, and discussing logistics can feel particularly overwhelming and intimidating.
In such a vulnerable time, conversations can quickly escalate into heated debates, making it tempting to sidestep certain issues altogether.
However, a key piece of advice from a seasoned divorce coach is not to shy away from one crucial topic: finances.
Jennie Sutton, an award-winning divorce coach, emphasized the importance of discussing money matters with your soon-to-be-ex partner, as she shared with the Daily Mail. Despite the difficulty, these conversations are essential before parting ways.
Having dedicated decades to guiding women through the emotional, physical, and financial challenges of breakups, Sutton understands firsthand the significance of these discussions in safeguarding one’s future.
Offering her expertise, she provided exclusive tips to the Daily Mail on how to tackle the often stressful financial discussions during a separation.
‘Before any decisions can be made, there needs to be clarity and transparency around the finances within the matrimonial pot,’ she explained.
‘This conversation can be challenging, but prolonging it will only increase anxiety.’
Here’s how to take the pain out of the oh-so-important money conversation during a divorce or breakup, according to the expert.
Award-winning divorce coach Jennie Sutton has spent decades helping women navigate the painful emotional, physical and financial pitfalls of breakups
Don’t feel discouraged if your partner was the one who managed the finances
Sutton explained that many of her clients struggle with these conversations because their partners had managed the finances during the relationship.
And if their former spouse starts to wield phrases such as ‘breadwinner’ or ‘provider’ during the chat, it can make them feel even worse.
But she stressed the importance of standing your ground and advocating for what you deserve.
‘I often work with women who tell me they have never managed the finances but then suddenly they are faced with the legal requirement to present their own personal income and expenditure, pensions, and positive or negative debts,’ she said.
‘It can feel like being asked to sit a math exam without ever having attended the lessons.
‘Meanwhile, the partner who has managed the money up until now may feel a strong sense of ownership – they know the systems, where the information is located on the computer, the accounts, the self-assessment histories and the bank details.
‘That knowledge can create an imbalance in conversations before they have even begun.’
She shared tips for navigating the stressful money talk during a split exclusively with the Daily Mail (stock image)
Do proper research beforehand
Before sitting down to talk finances with your partner, Sutton explained that you should take time to figure out the value of all of your assets.
‘This can include salaries, pensions, investments, property, passive income, inheritance, wine, vehicles, art and jewelry,’ she said.
‘Valuation of these assets will assist with knowing what the potential lump sum on the table is.
‘Taking control of your own finances for the first time since getting married can feel daunting but the more information you have, the more in control you’ll feel.’
She suggested you write down everything you know about your assets, note what information is missing and do the proper research to fill in the blanks.
Going in well-prepared and knowledgeable about the topic will help you feel much more confident than if you start the conversation unsure or in the dark.
‘Imagine you’re the sovereign of your kingdom and you need to know what’s available to ensure that you can make informed decisions,’ she added.
‘Your confidence will grow as you’ll be more financially aware of the true worth of the matrimonial assets.’
Approach the conversation with curiosity
Despite going in with knowledge and confidence, Sutton stressed the importance of approaching the conversation with a ‘curious’ tone to avoid sparking conflict.
‘When emotions are high, it’s easy for conversations to turn into conflict. To stop the potential for any finger-pointing, adopt a curious approach through open questions,’ she said.
She suggested asking things like: ‘What do we each need to live independently in terms of a roof over our heads and income? How can we make this work in a way that feels doable for both of us?’
‘This sets a tone of working together in a problem-solving way rather than escalating the conversation through animosity and past grievances,’ she added.
Remember that fair doesn’t always mean equal
Sutton explained that many of the problems that arise during these types of conversations stem from the idea that you should divide your assets equally but that’s not always the case.
‘It’s natural to assume that splitting everything equally, or 50:50, is the simplest solution,’ she noted.
‘Yet financial settlements are rarely that straightforward and “fairness” needs to reflect the financial history of the relationship.
‘It’s important to note that contributions can go beyond pennies and dollars, for instance if one partner has taken time out of their career to raise children or support the household, that contribution is recognized as being equally valid.’
Sutton explained that many of the problems that arise during these types of conversations stem from the idea that you should divide your assets equally but that’s not always the case
If you feel things start to get heated, take a step back
Sutton explained that clients often tell her that money discussions start off well but go downhill quickly.
If you feel the conversation starting to get heated, it’s best to take a step back, pause the chat and continue it when you both are more level-headed.
It’s also important to pay attention to your own mental state and emotions so that you’re able to admit if you need to revisit the conversation when you’re calmer.
Trying to talk about something so important when you both aren’t rational will never end well.
‘You might notice yourself reacting quickly or completely shutting down and going numb [during the conversation],’ Sutton said.
‘Let me reassure you that this is a natural response – what matters is recognizing it and if necessary, granting yourself time to pause and think.
‘Sometimes stepping away, taking time to gather yourself and seeking further information is a better strategy than saying something that you might regret later.’
If you feel the conversation starting to get heated, it’s best to take a step back, pause the chat and continue it when you both are more level-headed (stock image)
Build a team of people who support you
Sutton explained that having a ‘strong support network’ during a divorce or breakup can make a significant difference.
She said it’s important to build a team of people in your corner, which can include a lawyer or financial advisor as well as trusted friends and family members.
‘Working with a divorce coach can also provide a practical advantage. It can give you space to be heard, validated, to get prepared and appreciate different financial perspectives,’ she added.
‘Start researching what you know, what you don’t know, seek professional support and practice your conversations as you are now the sovereign of your kingdom – one where you shape your future on your terms.’
