Dear Jane,

I must confess that I am not proud of my recent actions. Over the past year, I’ve been involved in a clandestine relationship with a married man. However, it’s not this affair alone that compels me to reach out to you now.

Our story is as typical as they come: he’s older, and repeatedly assured me that he would end his troubled marriage to be with me. It’s a scenario that’s been played out countless times, yet no one ever truly believes it will actually happen.

But then, against all odds, it did. He parted ways with his wife and, before long, proposed to me. I accepted his proposal, and this new chapter in my life is both exhilarating and daunting.

It’s a tale as old as time – and no one ever believes they’ll actually do it.

But then, he did. He left his wife and, within weeks, proposed to me. I said yes.

Surely this should have felt like all of my wildest dreams came true, that I finally got my somewhat of a fairytale ending with him – but no.

Instead, there’s a pit in my stomach. Every time I look at the ring on my finger, I’m reminded of how we ended up here.

I just can’t shake the thought in the back of my mind that if he did this to his first wife, he could cheat on me, too.

I just don’t know how I can possibly trust him, which I’m aware sounds hypocritical. But is there a way for us to build that trust? Or, as the saying goes, is it true that once a cheater always a cheater?

Sincerely,

Other Woman

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Other Woman,

You are learning, the hard way perhaps, why it is unwise to be involved with someone who is already taken.

And it is completely understandable that you are concerned he will once again be unfaithful.

I don’t believe anyone sets out to have an affair, but long-term marriages can become dull. People are lured in by the dopamine hit, by someone’s attention making them feel attractive again, often for the first time in years. 

We become addicted to it, to the fantasy of the road not taken, and suddenly we are at the precipice of a cliff, and often it is hard to do anything other than fall. 

The reason people don’t come clean, or leave their rocky marriages before the affair starts, is because people don’t want to have that difficult conversation and hurt their spouse unduly. 

Secrecy and subterfuge feels easier, but it shows a lack of integrity – and that’s the bit I am worried about most for you.

I cannot condone infidelity, and I do not know the precise circumstances of your partner’s marriage. 

I do, however, know there is a very big difference between serial adulterers, which your man would not appear to be, and someone who is in a genuinely bad marriage and falls in love with someone else.

But, you are right to exercise caution. That he had an affair in the first place, even though it was with you, must give you pause for thought.

Men who are unfaithful and get away with it often repeat the pattern. 

As exciting as your life together now feels, it will not always feel this way. He has already shown an inability to deal with a problem, or his unhappiness, and that is no way to treat a spouse.

I have, however, seen couples deal with heartbreaking infidelity with absolute openness and commitment to working through it, and have found their relationship has strengthened. 

While this is not quite your circumstance, I do think there may be a way for the two of you to communicate so that you feel safe. 

But if you continue to have trust issues, I would listen to that intuition.

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend has always wanted a dog.

Ever since we moved in together, she mentions it: she points out people on the street walking theirs, she shows me dogs listed for adoption at local shelters and tells me she even has a name picked out for the inevitable day she gets one of her own.

I, however, am not a dog person. It’s not that I dislike them, I’m just indifferent – and our lifestyle currently does not have enough flexibility to account for taking care of an animal.

Dogs are a lot of work – they need to be fed and walked. Not to mention, you have to pay a pretty penny for a dog sitter if you need to go out of town.

So, I’ve told her no, we cannot get a dog (at least right now).

But when I came home from work last week, I opened the door to my girlfriend sheepishly grinning while holding – you guessed it – a dog. She said the local shelter had posted an urgent message on social media asking someone to take in the little guy.

To say I’m livid is an understatement – primarily because she didn’t even ask first. But now, I don’t know what to do.

Obviously, I can’t break up with someone over a pet – that seems silly – but this was a huge breach of trust and boundaries. And now we have a dog that I didn’t even want. 

Giving it back to the shelter would be cruel – and would surely end our relationship – but I don’t want to take care of it. How do I navigate this?

Sincerely,

Dog Dad

Dear Dog Dad,

I’m going to be brutally honest.

A good relationship means that major life decisions are made together. One person overriding the other does not a healthy partnership make. 

Perhaps I am reading between the lines here, but the fact that you are livid about this – and immediately considered breaking up – makes me wonder if there are other issues at play.

The truth is, this is a big boundary she has crossed.

Your girlfriend made a unilateral life-altering decision that not only directly affects you, but your finances, your time, your home and your autonomy.

As easy as it might be to put this down to her enthusiasm and love of animals, overriding you shows her utter disregard.

This really isn’t about the dog. This is about the fact that your partner has ignored a clear boundary of yours, that she heard what you said, and didn’t care.

Today it’s the dog, but in the future it might be about taking on debt, moving cities for a job, whether or not to have a child. 

There are a myriad of possibilities where you might say no, and she will go ahead anyway. So, I actually don’t think it’s silly to consider breaking up.

As far as I can see, you have three options here. 

You can accept the dog and adjust your life, but this is only possible if it’s genuine, if you’re okay with being partially responsible for the animal, and most importantly, if you’re able to let go of any resentment.

Or, the dog stays but is completely her responsibility.

Lastly, the dog can be rehomed. As hard as this may be, you are well within your rights to say, I love you, but I was clear that I cannot live with a dog right now, and you making a decision without taking me into account cannot happen again. 

If she values the relationship, and you, she will understand the problem she has created.

If she issues an ultimatum – me or the dog – then you’ve learned something very important about how compatible you are.