Dear Jane,

My family has a big group chat with my mum, stepdad, sister, and two brothers.

Our family group chat is usually buzzing with activity since we all still live at home. We frequently discuss our daily schedules, dinner plans, and other wholesome, family-oriented topics.

Just a few days ago, I made the mortifying error of sending an extremely embarrassing and inappropriate text into the group, and I haven’t been able to face my family ever since.

It all started because my sister and I are very close — we share everything.

I had been texting a boy that I’d met a few times after matching with him on Tinder, and the messages were getting very sexual.

It happened on a Saturday when both a friend and I were intoxicated and planning to meet up at his place later that night. Let’s just say we were discussing intimate plans we had for the bedroom.

I had been keeping my sister updated on our relationship and knew she would find the spicy texts entertaining, so I screenshotted my chat with the Tinder boy, typed her name into my message app, and fired off the text.

Instantly, I realized what I had done. I had accidentally clicked on my family group chat instead of my sister’s contact and sent everyone the details of my extremely X-rated conversation.

I’m now mortified for so many reasons, not only because my entire family saw the texts, but also because my 12-year-old brother is in the chat and probably doesn’t even understand what we were texting about.

The worst part is I called the boy ‘Daddy’ at one point in the conversation, which probably made my stepdad extremely uncomfortable. I don’t think I can ever look him in the eyes again.

Nobody addressed the screenshot in the group chat, except my sister, who reacted with the ‘HAHA’ button to try and lighten the mood.

Ever since I sent the picture, I have been avoiding my family at all costs.

I wait to return home at night until everyone is in bed, and I disappear early in the morning before people wake up.

I don’t know if this awkwardness will ever blow over; it’s been days, and I still feel so uncomfortable. Nobody in my family has reached out to ask where I am or why they haven’t seen me in almost a week, so it’s clear they feel weird about the situation too.

I’m contemplating moving out to avoid tiptoeing around everyone. I just turned 19 and work a part-time job while attending community college, so I can probably just about afford the rent for a cheap place.

What other option do I have?

From,

Text-rated 

Dear Text-rated 

As a young person, your texting mistake is probably the most mortifying thing that’s ever happened to you. 

Having your parents know that you’re sexually active must give you extreme ick, just as it gives every child the ick to think of their parents having sex. 

However, if you were to walk into a room with 100 people, I guarantee that every single one of them would have a mortifying story — many of which would make yours look tame. 

And, the fact that nobody in your family has said anything about your text makes me think your parents are equally embarrassed and don’t particularly want to address it.

Regardless, you can’t change how your family feel about this text, and it’s not your job to manage their feelings. 

Having said that, part of being a parent — and I say this as a mother — is that you love your children unconditionally, so remember that they will love you no matter what you do… or who you text. 

Though, I am going to address the sexting.

Imagine how you would feel if a screenshot of this text went to a larger group — or if it was passed around to all his friends. How awful would that be!

I always say this to young people: Please do not put anything sexual in a text, or on Snapchat or Instagram, because you have no control over what happens after you press send.

Once you fire something off into the digital universe, you have no control over who sees it. 

If you choose to learn anything from this, please let it be that sexting is a terrible idea.

Before you send a risky text, think to yourself, ‘Would I want anybody other than the recipient to see the text?’ If the answer is no, then do not send it. 

As for moving out, no, you should not move out. Forgive yourself for a silly mistake that one day, you might see the funny side of. 

For now, I think your best course of action is to show up to a family dinner and act totally normal.

Dear Jane,

Months ago, I booked a holiday to London to visit my good friend from college.

I’ll be staying at my college friend’s house and plan to spend lots of quality time with her, and I also have a few lunches and dinners with other friends who live across the pond.

A few days ago, I met up with a new-ish friend from work who has been desperately trying to befriend me, and I told her all about my trip. Big mistake.

At the time, she simply said the vacation sounded amazing and that she would love to go to London someday.

Shortly after we parted ways, the work friend texted me a screenshot of her booking confirmation for flights to London…on the exact same dates as my own flights.

I texted back that I’m sure she will have a great time in London and left it at that.

But the next day at work, she bombarded me at my desk, asking where I will be staying and what I plan to do while I’m there.

I told her I’d be staying with my best friend from college and described the location of my friend’s house (in too much detail). I then explained that I had lots of people to see when I’m over there, and she said she ‘can’t wait’ to meet all my British friends.

When I got home from work, she sent me a link to the hotel she had booked. It is located on the very same street as my friend’s house.

I immediately messaged back, saying she shouldn’t stay in that hotel because it looks like a dump, and said that she should book something more central instead so she can see all the sights and tourist attractions, but she further insisted she just wanted to spend time with me and my friends.

Honestly, I’m a bit creeped out by the entire situation. I feel like I’m being stalked across the world, and I don’t know how to politely tell my colleague that I really don’t want her tagging along to all my catch-ups with old friends in London.

Should I lie and tell her I canceled my trip because I suddenly got sick? Then, hopefully, she will cancel her trip too, and I won’t have to put up with her.

From,

Transatlantic stalker

Dear Transatlantic stalker,

This is a perfect example of a situation where boundaries are needed.

Setting boundaries is hard because it requires us to have difficult conversations, often with people we love and respect. We worry about upsetting and offending them.

Unfortunately, there is only one way to deal with this: you need to face that difficult conversation.

You’ve already tried skirting around the issue and telling her that you’re going to be busy on your trip, but she has ignored all of the hints you’ve been trying to drop.

I’m afraid you now must be honest with her.

However, this doesn’t mean you have to be unkind. My favorite saying, taken from Al-anon, is: ‘Say what you mean, mean what you say, don’t say it mean.’

What you need to say (in a nice way) is that you are deeply uncomfortable with how she has assumed that she can infringe upon your trip.

Explain that you will be staying with people you haven’t seen for years and do not have any time to see her. 

You could add that you’re happy to make recommendations for things she can do and see while in London, but that you won’t be able to see her while you’re there. 

Stay firm. It is not your job to manage the feelings of someone who quite clearly doesn’t care about yours.

She may shout or cry, but do not let her manipulate you into saying anything other than what you first said. She may choose to stop being your friend, but perhaps this is a lucky escape from a friendship that might become very difficult.