Dear Jane,

My fiancé and I recently got engaged after six years of dating.

I was living in bliss, until I discovered he’s been harboring a secret that has made me question everything.

He was married before we met and we started dating after he and his then-wife separated.

At the time, he informed me that the legal process was taking longer than expected, but reassured me that he was doing everything necessary to finalize his divorce. So, I accepted his word without question – especially after he proposed to me.

I immediately wanted to start planning the wedding, and in the weeks that followed I tried to choose a date.

He, however, showed little interest in the divorce proceedings and instead supported the idea of a ‘long engagement.’ He expressed how he enjoyed the status of being a ‘fiancé’ and wasn’t eager to transition into being a ‘husband.’

That made me suspicious, and eventually I flat-out asked why he was so insistent on prolonging the engagement.

That’s when he confessed: he was still married. Drawing out wedding planning was a way of buying time to finally get divorced.

I was shocked – and quite frankly, felt a bit sickened – to discover he had hidden this from me. I feel deceived and betrayed, yet he fails to understand his wrongdoing, despite it being essentially akin to bigamy!

He’s so blind to my hurt that I’m not sure I should be with him.

Should I call off the wedding, or is there a way to work this out?

Sincerely,

Bridal blues

 While little white lies are not uncommon, and are mostly forgivable, this is not a little white lie, writes author Jane Green 

Dear Bridal blues,

Relationships thrive on communication, trust and honesty. 

While minor falsehoods are not rare and are usually pardonable, this situation is far from a minor lie. His refusal to acknowledge his deceit is not only painful but also a significant warning sign.

Everyone makes mistakes, and we sometimes inadvertently hurt and let down those we care about. However, the path forward involves taking responsibility for one’s actions, offering an apology, and making improvements in the future.

There are two fundamental problems here.

First, he strung you along and lied about the reason. 

He did not take this course of action to protect you; rather, it was because he could not, or chose not to, free himself from his marriage. This reflects a lack of integrity.

Lying about something so big to the woman he is supposed to love and protect, means he is a man comfortable with deceit.

Second, he does not see that he did anything wrong. 

He is twisting the truth and telling you that there is nothing wrong with his behavior – that is gaslighting.

Even if you somehow managed to accept his behavior, this is setting the tone: when he does something wrong and you call him out on it, is he going to tell you that you’re making a big deal over nothing? 

As hard as this may be to hear, your uncertainty over whether you should be with him is your quiet, internal intuition telling you the truth. 

And I am going to double down: you should not be with him. Get out now.

To quote Maya Angelou: ‘When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.’

This is not how a good man – a man with integrity – treats someone he loves. 

Find your backbone and self-respect. You deserve better.

Dear Jane,

My roommate and I have lived together for five years in the same apartment.

She moved in a year before I did, offering me the spare bedroom because her old roommate was leaving.

We’ve become good friends in the years since and, until recently, we had never fought.

But last week, she told me I had a month to find somewhere else to live – she wanted her boyfriend to move in.

She claimed that, because she lived here a year longer than me and paid slightly more rent for the bigger room, she had dibs on the whole apartment.

But shouldn’t she, the person making this decision, be the one to move out?

It will be difficult to find a new apartment – and a new roommate that I like – on such short notice. Never mind the fact that I also pay to live in this apartment. 

But I’m worried if I refuse to move, I’ll lose a friend and cause unnecessary drama.

Do I suck it up and pack my things, or do I put my foot down and stay?

Sincerely,

Booted bestie

Dear Booted bestie,

You have enjoyed living with your roommate in the same apartment, presuming that it would go on indefinitely. But in life, circumstances change, even if we do not want them to.

As the first tenant in the apartment who brought you in long after she had been living there, your roommate has the right to claim the apartment.

I can’t see any good coming from stomping your feet and refusing to leave. 

You will lose a friend and cause unnecessary drama.

It would unbearable for the two of you to continue living together when one of you is clearly not wanted.

The mature thing to do is accept life’s changes, even if it is difficult. 

Imagine if you were madly in love and wanted to live with your boyfriend.  Perhaps you would make a different choice – you might move out and find somewhere new to live – but this is her decision and she does have the right to ask you to leave.

While a month’s notice is fair, if it will be difficult for you to find a new place perhaps request that she gives you two months.

Try to set emotions aside, find some grace and empathy – and a new place to live.