What is it about beard-challenged Timothée Chalamet that drives cougars crazy?

High-profile celebrities like young Tim often capture fan attention, but it’s his acting talent and youthful charm that seem to drive some followers to extreme behaviors.

And of all the seasoned ‘Chalamaniacs’, one became particularly unhinged when Timothée had the gall to start boinking a Kardashian.

But this superfan is not some crazed tween. 

One such fan is 58-year-old Simone Cromer, who could be the mother of 29-year-old Timothée. She relocated from Michigan to Los Angeles to be closer to the actor she admires.

Through her ‘Club Chalamet’ accounts on X and Instagram, she trails the actor she calls ‘Timmy’ at red carpet events and festivals, while expressing strong disdain for his girlfriend. She criticizes her as ‘artificial’ and ‘unhealthy’, nicknaming her ‘Slurpee’.

Cromer follows the 29-year-old man she calls ‘Timmy’ from red carpets to festivals (pictured together at Coachella)

She is old enough to be his mother – and moved from Michigan to Los Angeles which just happens to be a lot closer to the object of her affection

In short: Cromer seems to hate Kylie Jenner.

In her criticism, Cromer accuses Jenner of being a ‘stalker’ and ‘attention seeker’, even editing out the beauty mogul’s face from photos she shares with her 48,000 followers, pleading for the actor to end his relationship.

Her intense admiration for ‘Timmy’ stems from when she first watched the 2017 film ‘Call Me By Your Name,’ where Chalamet stars as a teenager.

Since then, Cromer has frequently used social media to praise her ‘beautiful boy’, admiring Chalamet’s smile and posting about him several times weekly, if not daily.

She even bought a long velvet coat to match his in his movie Wonka – which she says she saw in theaters three times.

She also believes she ‘manifested’ their meeting at Coachella music festival in 2022, and insists she isn’t some ‘possessive delusional fan’ in a ‘parasocial relationship.’

‘I’m happy to burst your bubble,’ she tells haters. ‘But please note he knows of me.’

Well, I’m happy to burst hers. He probably wishes he didn’t.

One alleged former co-worker described Cromer as a ‘film nut’, but I don’t think you need the qualification.

This woman seems to be plain nuts. 

But perhaps it takes one to know one. After all, I am no stranger to unhealthy obsessions with famous men.

I remember when I first met James Danforth Quayle. I was a senior in high school and was invited to hear him speak when I was a teen Republican back in Oregon.

For the uninitiated, he is also known as Dan Quayle – 44th Vice President of the United States – and the reason for my obsession was obvious. He’s a gorgeous genius.

He took the political world by storm as a Vice-Presidential long shot when he was selected to be the running mate of George H.W. Bush in 1988.

Swoon. 

Cromer seems to hate Kylie Jenner. In her disdain, she accuses Jenner of being a ‘stalker’ and ‘attention hogging’, going so far as to blur out the beauty mogul’s face in photos

When I first met him – well, we didn’t meet, but I sat in the front row during a speech and winked every time he looked at me – I was struck by his foreign policy prowess, his command of language and his dreamy blue eyes.

Then, I got to interview him two years later at a campaign event in Orange County, California. 

Well, I didn’t interview him, but when his campaign flack shouted, ‘Last question!’ at the buzzing press pool, I yelled back, ‘How do I look in purple?!’

I was wearing a purple dress, with matching purple lipstick and purple hair. Quayle stammered back, ‘You, uh… you look great in purple.’

From that day, I was hooked.

You could say that was the official launch of Club Quayle – except we had no social media back then to publicly declare our love. 

And, much like Club Chalamet, I initiated my own crusade against Quayle’s wife Marilyn. I took the official White House portrait of them together, covered Marilyn’s face with a picture of mine and affixed it to my bedroom wall for five years.

Three decades later, you’ll be happy to hear I have given up the ghost. I’ve stopped tracking Quayle’s every move and realized how unhinged it all was.

So, come on, Simone. You’re nearly sixty. Isn’t it time you reached a similar age of enlightenment?

Up in flames 

Burning Man revelers suffered through an eight-hour traffic jam and cowered in their RVs as a hell-on-Earth sandstorm ripped through the Nevada desert festival this week. 

So much for ‘finding themselves’ in psychedelic trips. For a day and a half they couldn’t even find their tents.

Rome too far 

Was Kim Kardashian joined by Nicki Minaj in Rome? Nope. That blue haired, experimental dresser squeezed into a corset was her 12-year-old daughter, North. 

I get it. Her controversial dad and always-naked stepmom aren’t the greatest role models, but this child needs to hear, ‘No!’

Was Kim Kardashian joined by Nicki Minaj in Rome? Nope. That blue haired, experimental dresser squeezed into a corset was her 12-year-old daughter, North

Making a racket 

Pro tennis doesn’t pay what it used to, so Sachia Vickery – ranked 509 in the world – is making some extra scratch by serving up a slice of skin on OnlyFans. 

She posts semi-nudes and feet pics for $12.99 a month, but sorry dudes, you won’t be winning any matches. She says charging for dates is over the line.

Sachia Vickery recently revealed she’s on OnlyFans

Daddy issues 

Zoe Kravitz is snacking at the man buffet. 

After a quick nibble with co-star Austin Butler in Paris, she sank her teeth into Harry Styles on a romantic Roman Holiday. 

She’s supposedly smitten with Butler and wild about Harry, who apparently reminds her of her dad. Eww. I just hope Harry doesn’t go commando in leather pants.

Royal pain

Drama queen Meghan Markle is still bitching about life as a royal, grousing she ‘couldn’t be as vocal’ and, the worst horror of all, had to wear nude pantyhose! How could she stand the injustice? 

Please tell me they weren’t control top, that’s reason enough to break up a family and become a professional martyr!

Saving face 

Kris Jenner, 69, insists she’s ‘aging gracefully’.

As she approaches the next big birthday, she gifted herself a ‘refresh’ of her 15-year-old facelift with New York plastic surgeon Dr. Steven Levine. He’s credited with turning back the clock 30 years on the Kardashian/Jenner matriarch. 

Since he can clearly work miracles, maybe he can nip and tuck Kanye West’s ego next.

She ‘refreshed’ her 15-year-old facelift with New York plastic surgeon Dr. Steven Levine 

Blurred lines 

Global icon and comic-slapper Will Smith has allegedly used AI to gin up the crowds on his recent concert tour. 

Blurred faces, six fingers and visual gaffes are all part of this freak show that head-scratching onlookers have called out en masse online. 

Guess the real fans of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air have disappeared into thin air.

The hand of one man holding a sign appeared blurry, and another sign seemed to read ‘LOV U FR6SH CRINCE’

You’re fired! 

They’re threatening to quit at Vanity Fair over the prospect of putting First Lady Melania Trump on the cover. 

One mid-level editor wailed, ‘If I have to work bagging groceries at Trader Joe’s, I’ll do it.’ 

Get a grip. Let’s hope new global editorial director Mark Guiducci makes sure the liberal snivelers follow through.