Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost three years, and we’re very happy together. I’m even planning on proposing soon.

But last weekend I did something that betrayed her trust, and I feel awful about it.

My girlfriend has been a vegetarian for almost ten years. She’s deeply committed to animal rights and making eco-conscious choices, which initially led her to stop eating meat at 16. It’s been so long that just the thought of consuming meat now makes her feel unwell.

Last year, when we decided to live together, she proposed I also give up meat. It would simplify things since we could cook together and manage groceries more efficiently. Wanting to make her happy and streamline our daily lives, I agreed.

However, it’s now been a year and, to be honest, I really miss meat.

She often praises me for adopting a vegetarian lifestyle, mentioning how many men are intimidated by the idea due to societal expectations of masculinity. It’s wonderful to see her so happy, but I’m uncertain if this choice brings the same happiness to me.

Last weekend, I was watching football at a sports bar with my guy friends. After we all drank about five pints, one of my buddies suggested we have a wing-eating competition.

Everyone agreed. I didn’t want to be the odd one out, so when the waitress came to take our order, I asked if they had a plant-based alternative. All the boys started making fun of me, saying I’m ‘whipped’ by my girlfriend and calling me a ‘simp’ because I gave up eating meat for her.

So I decided to just eat the wings… and they tasted really good.

When I got home, my girlfriend kissed me before I had a chance to brush my teeth. I was nervous she would taste the meat, which she didn’t, but I still feel awful.

Now I’m torn — I didn’t realize just how much I missed meat until I was forced to eat it, but I want to make my girlfriend happy by remaining a vegetarian.

Would it be an awful idea to maintain a meat-free diet whenever I’m with her, but to eat meat in secret when I’m away from home? That way, I can get the best of both worlds.

From,

Meat me halfway 

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Meat me halfway,

The healthiest and happiest relationships are always the ones in which one partner accepts the other completely — even when that person makes decisions or lifestyle choices they don’t agree with.

I have a friend who adores going to festivals and concerts. He loves music and dancing, but his wife prefers seeing friends, reading and going on long walks. So, most weekends, he goes to a gig while his wife stays home — and they have been happily married for nearly 30 years and love each other deeply.

Healthy relationships require acceptance and meeting the other person where they are, rather than trying to mold them into who you want them to be.

It also requires honesty and communication – all of which means you mustn’t keep your meat eating secret from your girlfriend. 

Instead, sit down with her and tell her you’re not happy being a vegetarian because you enjoy eating meat. Perhaps you could even offer to maintain a meat-free diet with her, and that you will only eat meat when you are outside the home.

Remind her that two people do not have to share the exact same interests or values. In fact, liking different things, eating meat or otherwise, and respecting those differences is vital to the health of a relationship.

I’m sure she will understand. 

We all deserve to be respected and heard in a relationship – and if we find ourselves with people who are not able to do that, it’s often a sign that they are not the right person for us.

Dear Jane,

I have a friend who I have known since childhood, but over the years, she has increasingly become more annoying.

Our parents went to college together and had kids at the same time, so we were very close while growing up and hung out constantly.

But in high school, I gravitated towards sports and socializing, while she was more nerdy and studious. Despite her best efforts to try and fit in with my friends, we eventually drifted apart.

We’ve now both graduated from college and she has just moved to New York City, where I’ve been living for around a year. I have a great group of friends here, an amazing job and lots of hobbies. And guess what… she’s trying once again to weasel her way into everything I do.

My mother forced me to include her in some social plans when she first moved here — we got dinner together a few times, and I introduced her to some of my friends. But now, she’s using everything I told her about my life to copy me.

She has joined my run club, and she’s even signed up for the same half-marathon that I’m running. She followed all my friends on Instagram and has even messaged some of them asking to hang out… without me!

My last straw was today, when she asked me to write her a job reference because she applied for a job at my company.

This girl is copying me in every aspect of my life, and I don’t know how to tell her to stop without sounding mean. What do I do?

From,

Copycat casualty 

Dear Copycat casualty,

I can imagine how deeply irritating this must be. 

I once had a friend with an acquaintance who very much wanted to be in her world. This person followed all of her friends on Instagram and made comments under their posts as if she knew them. My friend found it so deeply irritating that she blocked her — and even removed her from the annual Christmas party list.

While you can’t stop this girl from joining the same clubs as you — or from reaching out to your friends — you can express your concern, particularly after she asked for a job reference that you are clearly not comfortable giving.

You are allowed to say no and set clear boundaries.

But I think there is a bigger conversation that needs to be had here.

You can kindly explain to her that, although you have known each other a long time, you feel overwhelmed by the overlap in your lives since she moved to to the same city.

Your friends and relationships are important to you and, to keep them feeling like your own, you’d like some breathing room.

I would stop inviting her places to create some space between you. In time, she will undoubtedly find her own friends and hobbies — and you will not have had to ruin the relationship for her to do so.