Before you judge me, just know this: it was never my intention to become the other woman.

I was simply young and having fun when my life took a turn I was never expecting. 

When I relocated from Australia to London in my early 20s, it turned out to be every bit as wonderful as I had envisioned. I was content, fiercely independent, and spent every weekend out with friends.

Then, one night, I was in a trendy bar in Soho when I saw an attractive man in a perfectly tailored suit glide towards me.

Our eyes met and – as much as it sounds a rom-com cliché – the chemistry was instant and electric.

Oliver* was a smooth talker. I was completely taken in as we chatted and flirted by the bar.

One thing led to another and hours later we were in bed together. As he tenderly whispered my name in my ear, that was it. I was his.

Over the coming weeks, I felt like I was living a dream. Endless romantic texts, perfect dates, mind-blowing sex…

It was never my intention to become the ‘other woman’, writes our pseudonymous author (stock image posed by models)

‘I think I’ve found the one,’ I told my friends confidently. 

But a few dates in, the illusion was shattered. 

After one dinner outing, we returned to his townhouse with a bottle of wine. As we clinked glasses and cozied up on the couch, something caught my attention from across the room.

A baby blue high chair in the corner.

For a moment, I couldn’t speak. All I could do was point at it, my hand shaking.

Finally I got my words out. ‘Are you married?’ I asked.

Oliver’s face dropped. But he didn’t lie to me.

He revealed to me that he had been married for five years, with his wife and their toddler currently staying at their second home. He shared that they no longer had a sexual relationship, explaining how becoming parents had altered their dynamic.

Oliver* said that meeting me had reignited a spark in him (stock image posed by models)

He said that meeting me had reignited a spark in him he thought was long extinguished. That I had a crazy hold over him. That if things were different, he would be with me, and only me. 

That he loved me. 

I should have walked out then. I should have yelled at him for deceiving me, told him I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bit on the side. I should have said that both his wife and I deserved better.

I should have asked him: what about your child? 

But I didn’t. The truth is, I’d already fallen for him. I was in too deep to walk away.

So we carried on seeing each other. Now that I was in on the secret too, I became complicit in the betrayal and, as much as I hate to admit it, sneaking around added an extra element of fun. 

I knew that when Oliver met me for cocktails and sex, his wife thought he was at work drinks. When he whisked me away for a dirty weekend, she thought he was on a business trip.

Oliver would book hotel rooms on his work credit card so he could have his way with me. Often I’d arrive to find a new designer bag or diamond necklace waiting for me on the bed.

But as I got comfortable, Oliver grew paranoid. He had far more to lose than I did and was terrified of getting caught.

He went to great lengths to prevent that happening. Sometimes I wondered if he’d done this before, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. 

Oliver only contacted me directly through Telegram, which is more private and secure than messaging apps. 

Hotel rooms, restaurant bookings and even flights were all paid for on his company card. When he could, he paid in cash. After each rendezvous, he sprayed himself with cologne to mask the scent of my perfume before heading home to his wife and child.

Of course, we never took photos with one another, and any holidays snaps were posted weeks after they were taken to throw off the timeline of our romantic trips.

I only told close friends back home about my relationship. While London is one of the biggest cities in the world, it felt very small when I was having an affair there so I kept my mouth shut. 

Not getting caught wasn’t the only challenge either.

As much as I tried to keep my emotions in check, there was no escaping the fact I was in love with Oliver and I harboured a secret wish he would leave his wife for me.

It did not matter that he had explicitly told me he would never divorce her. I still held onto hope he would one day change his mind, that he would choose me and only me. 

I didn’t even mind when he sometimes referred to me as his ‘second wife’. It was better than just being his lover.

For six years, we did this dance. I had partners during this period, of course, some of them even quite serious – but they never had a clue.

It was the best and the worst of times; it was both exhilarating and exhausting. While I always believed our affair meant I got the very best of Oliver, I did sometimes worry that the predicament brought out the very worst in me.

Eventually, I made the heartbreaking decision to move back to Australia. While I had accepted by then he was never going to leave his wife for me, I wasn’t ready to let Oliver go completely.

We have stayed in touch and have flown to see each other several times since then.

Two years ago, he flew me business class from Sydney to Istanbul because he wanted to see me. 

We walked the streets hand in hand knowing there wasn’t a chance of anyone we knew catching us.

Last year on my European summer holiday, Oliver met me in London and told me his marriage was over. 

I wasn’t surprised. He hadn’t been happy for a long time. I was never the problem.

I’d moved on with my life by then but still wondered what could’ve been if he and his wife had split up sooner. 

Even though we still talk from time to time, I’ll never go back to Oliver.

I don’t have a single regret about our relationship though. 

If you’re the other woman, my advice is simple: don’t beat yourself up. It’s likely you’re not the problem. 

Just know when it’s time to call it a day.

As told to Carina Stathis. Marlenya Jones is a pseudonym. *Name has been changed 

ARE YOU ‘THE OTHER WOMAN’?

Australian dating and relationship expert Dr Lurve shared the possible signs which could indicate you’re the other woman 

Dating expert Dr Lurve shares the signs that could indicate you’re the other woman.

1. You’re his escape hatch

Sure, those coffee dates and spontaneous drives are exciting, but he never invites you for the real stuff, such as family dinners, weekend BBQs or holiday celebrations.

2. He’s weirdly secretive

‘I’m just private’ is his excuse for never posting about you online or introducing you to anyone. He says he’s just low-key, but let’s be honest, it feels more like you’re being kept under wraps.

3. His schedule is oddly rigid 

He’s always unavailable on nights, weekends or holidays. It’s consistent and not in a comforting way. He’s mysteriously always busy during these prime relationship times.

4. He’s all talk, no action

Big promises such as ‘you’ll meet my parents soon’ or ‘let’s plan that vacation together’ sound great, right? Until you realise they never actually happen.

5. His emotions are all over the place

One minute he’s blowing up your phone, the next he’s cold, distracted or distant. That emotional rollercoaster isn’t healthy; it’s a sign something’s off.

6. You’re basically invisible

You’ve never met his friends, family or even bumped into someone he knows. After months (or years) that’s not coincidence – that’s careful planning.

7. Deep talks, shallow details 

You’ve talked for hours, but can you name his closest mate or describe what his home looks like? If not, you might be connecting more with his curated version of himself than the real deal.

8. Basic questions make him squirm

If asking ‘what are you doing tonight?’ makes him act like you’re interrogating him, cause him to freeze, change the subject, or act like you’ve crossed a line, something’s up!

9. Love on his terms

He’s Prince Charming when it suits him, but ghosts you when you actually need support. Real love doesn’t come with conditions. If love feels like a reward you have to earn, that’s not love. Get out!

10. He’s a social media ghost (with you)

If he’s active online but you’re nowhere to be seen – not even in a Story or a like – he’s not protecting your privacy; he’s protecting his other life.

11. The king of cancellations

Plans fall through at the last minute. ‘Something came up’ is his favourite catchphrase. Life gets busy, sure, but not every single time you make plans. When this always happens, he’s managing more than just a calendar.

12. Your gut won’t shut up 

You can’t shake that uneasy feeling that something’s not quite right. Don’t ignore it. Intuition is often the truth whispering before reality shouts.