Dear Jane,
Living with my roommate has become increasingly awkward due to her relentless inquiries about my personal life.
Adding to the complexity is the fact that she’s a virgin.
While I respect everyone’s choices regarding their sexual experiences, her persistent curiosity, driven by her own inexperience, is verging on intrusive.
I lead what many would describe as an active and fulfilling intimate life, and sometimes I forget just how easily sound travels through our walls.
Without fail, after my boyfriend departs in the morning, she bursts into my room with remarks about the ‘fun’ we appeared to have and demands all the ‘juicy details.’
I can’t blame her for being interested in what she hasn’t experienced.
But it is starting to feel intrusive, and has got to the point that my boyfriend no longer feels comfortable staying the night if she’s also in the apartment.
She’s a bit shy and doesn’t have many friends, so I’m afraid that if I say something to her, I’ll hurt her feelings and make her shut down.
I just don’t know if I can keep living with someone who doesn’t understand that their behavior has become inappropriate.
Sincerely,
Freaky Friend
Dear Freaky Friend,
It always both astonishes and saddens me that we are given no road maps for how to talk to friends when they behave in ways that make us uncomfortable.
It’s easy to tell our partners and often members of our family, that their behavior has upset us in some way, but when it comes to friends – and in this case a roommate -we have no idea what to say, so we say nothing at all, and resentment builds until one of us has to go.
As hard as this may be to hear, it’s not up to her to magically read your mind and figure out how mortifying this all is for you. She likely has no idea how her curiosity is affecting you. It’s up to you to set the boundary.
You’re worried it will shut her down. But, in the meantime, you are being shut down and you have the right to some privacy.
And for the record, this has little to do with her virginity, but more to do with her crossing a boundary, with no one telling her how inappropriate it is.
Happily, the fix is an easy one. Difficult conversations should always be framed as: I felt X when you did Y. In your case, I feel uncomfortable when you let me know you’ve been listening to what my boyfriend and I do, and then ask for the “juicy details.” You are also allowed to request that she no longer does it.
Failing all that, perhaps a white noise machine would make an excellent gift for her birthday.
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Jane,
I love my fiancé but I can’t stand his children.
But most of all, I can’t stand how he’s raising them.
They don’t have any manners, and they treat me horribly.
When they’re rude to me, or him, he just says nothing.
I’ve tried really hard to make them happy: I make all their favorite food, and am constantly thinking of activities they’ll love.
They never say thank you and most of the time they refuse to eat my food, just because I’m the one who’s cooked it.
So, my fiancé just gets up from the table and makes them chicken nuggets.
He wants us to be this big happy family, but he won’t intervene and talk to them. I’m getting really tired of trying to do the right thing and getting treated like I’m the interloper.
I love my future husband but I just don’t know if I can keep doing this.
Sincerely,
Struggling Stepmom
Dear Struggling Stepmom,
So many of us find the men we love and look forward to step-parenting with open hearts, dreaming of somehow creating the perfect new family unit. We think that all the children need is unconditional love and they will come to accept and love us, even if they don’t at the beginning.
But that is often not the case.
I have seen women, myself included, twist themselves into pretzels in order to make stepchildren happy. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter what we do – we are fighting something bigger than us.
Plus, making their favourite food and doing everything for them seems like it might make them accept you, but in fact, it is giving them all the power.
Healthier is for you to step away. Rather than your fiancé leaving the table at every mealtime, perhaps you make them chicken nuggets. Or, stop cooking for them. Have your husband make them the food he wants.
Focus on your marriage and your peace. You will never be their mother and trying to act like one usually doesn’t bring us the results we want.
Nor can you expect your fiancé to defend you, (which would be the right thing to do). Often men caught between a new wife and their children, feel torn. So they do as your fiancé is doing and say nothing, leaving you feeling abandoned and lonely.
What you can do, is set your own boundary. If the children are rude, tell them, kindly, that you won’t be spoken to like that, and that you are going to remove yourself until they can be polite.
Then, remove yourself. Go and run yourself a hot bath, or go for a walk with a girlfriend.
This may not ever change. A huge percentage of second marriages fail because of issues with stepchildren, and ex’s. If this is the man for you, you need to forge your own relationship with him and stop bending over backwards to try and make his kids like you.
Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, but you do not have to take it. You cannot presume that this will get better over time, but you can protect your peace.
