Stepdaughter Conflict Escalates: Wife Declares 'This is War

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Dear Eric,

Recently, my wife and our 6-year-old daughter attended my older daughter’s wedding, who is from a previous marriage. The relationship between my wife and our younger daughter has always been strained. At the wedding, our daughter was set to be the flower girl, and it was requested that she not wear a tiara. My wife presented numerous arguments for why our daughter should be allowed to wear one, but my older daughter stood by her decision.

This has left my wife extremely upset with my older daughter, leading her to declare that no one from my older daughter’s family should visit our home. Additionally, she is arguing with me as though I am siding with my older daughter. I have tried to explain that I don’t believe my older daughter intended any malice.

My wife struggles with anger management issues and has now escalated the situation by saying, “This is war!”

I am at a loss for how to convey to her that her reaction is unreasonable. This isn’t the first time she has reacted intensely to a situation, yet she refuses to acknowledge the problem. I’ve attempted to understand the root of her anger without success, and even her mother often advises her to calm down during their conversations.

Please don’t suggest counseling, as she is unwilling to attend. What strategies can I employ to coexist peacefully with someone who has a volatile temper? Despite this challenge, we otherwise have a good relationship.

– Heated Home

Dear Home: My hands get a little tied when people write, “don’t tell me to do [this thing that will help me].” Counseling is one of the things you and your wife need and her resistance to going perhaps indicates that she’s not interested in solving the problems you have.

Indeed, she’s declared that she’s going to war with your daughter. It’s hard to have armistice talks when your home is the battlefield.

Here’s what you can control: Start seeing a counselor on your own. Processing your emotions about this will also help you to see new ways of relating to or releasing this behavior.

I don’t think that explaining to your wife that you think she’s being unreasonable is your goal. Instead, try conveying to her what this reaction is doing to you and to your daughters. “I understand and respect that you feel angry. Can you also understand and respect that your response is hurting me and threatens to damage the relationship our daughters have with us and with each other? What can we do to turn down the temperature?”

Dear Eric: I’m writing because something bad happened to my friend and I might have

been able to prevent it. On my friend’s 21st birthday we met up at a party and started drinking. She drank a lot but seemed to be having fun. Around 10 p.m. I decided to leave because I was tired. I asked if she was OK to get home and she said yes, but she was clearly drunk.

Then I went home.

Fast-forward to the next day when she called me from some older man’s house who she didn’t remember meeting. She was very stressed about it (he had to be in his 40s).

I’m wondering what the right thing to do was in that situation. She says it’s “no big deal”, but I don’t think it’s “nothing” at all.

On the one hand, I think we should be responsible for ourselves as adults. On the other: she was drunk, and I basically ditched her to go to bed.

What do you think?

– First One to Leave

Dear First One: I’m sorry this happened to your friend. I hope she continues to process it, with you and with a school counselor. There’s a lot of daylight between “a big problem” and “no big deal.” We are allowed to talk through our complicated feelings, even if we don’t feel they’re that big a deal.

Going forward, a buddy system is always recommended when drinking. Leaving her alone wasn’t wrong, but I wouldn’t do it again. When we drink our judgment gets impaired and a person alone, with impaired judgment, can be preyed upon. If you’re out with your friend, and you’re ready to go and she’s not, see if there’s another trusted friend nearby who can get her home safe. If not, sometimes you have to call it. A drunk friend may complain in the moment about being loaded into a cab “just when the party was getting good,” but a friend who is safely nursing their hangover in their own home the next morning will thank you.

Also, remember that neither of you has to drink in order to have fun. And be careful as you learn about alcohol’s effect on you. Less is always more.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)