Dear Eric: I’m beginning to question if I have inadvertently taken on the role of a sugar daddy. I’ve been in a four-year, cohabiting relationship with a 42-year-old woman, and I am 70.
Some might argue that our 28-year age difference suggests a sugar daddy/sugar baby dynamic. However, this relationship has been incredibly rewarding, filled with love, kindness, joy, and fulfillment.
She is an artist, and after she moved in with me, I invested several thousand dollars to build her an art studio. I’ve supported her career financially in various ways, including providing a monthly allowance.
Lately, she asked me to buy her a computer. When I hesitated, she became upset and accused me of not valuing her artistic endeavors. I’ve noticed a growing sense of entitlement in her behavior. I’m considering reducing my financial support to test whether our relationship is as strong and loving as I believe. I intend to remain her most vocal supporter and advocate. What are your thoughts?
– A Sweet Deal
– A Sweet Deal
Dear Deal: Sugar is in the eye of the beholder. Which is to say, every relationship works differently, has different expectations, and asks different things of its participants. You have the power to define the relationship for yourself. This isn’t an episode of “The Maury Povich Show”; no one is going to unilaterally declare you the father.
I have two suggestions. First, talk with your girlfriend about how your relationship works and how you’d like it to work. Use “I” statements, but don’t be afraid to bring up how you felt about her response to the computer conversation. Ask her what her wants and expectations are. This could be clarifying for you both.
Communication is going to help you both. Try to think of concrete ways that you’d like to be shown love and would like to show it. These conversations may not be easy and there may be some bruised feelings. But it’s perfectly fine to be honest about your fears and your hopes.
Second suggestion: instead of tapering off your largesse, communicate about that, too, in the form of a budget. Tapering feels, to me, like playing a game of chicken, each of you waiting for the other to cry foul. Instead, by being up front about what money is shared, and what money isn’t, you keep the focus on what you’re really interested in: building and maintaining a strong, loving relationship.
Dear Eric: My friend and I have been very close for more than 50 years. Even though we live states apart we always got together at least two or three times a year, usually for international travel.
Over the last three years something has changed and now I rarely hear from her, much less see her. It started after we got together for a domestic holiday, and it seemed that she was having cognitive issues. I’ve reached out to her husband several times, but he always says that she has had several tests run and they cannot see any issue.
For the third year in a row, she did not acknowledge my birthday, Thanksgiving or Christmas. This is a friend who always sent gifts! I’ve continued to reach out by text and snail mail. I’ve kind of decided to let the relationship go but am having a hard time with it. We’ve always been very, very close. What is your take?
– Distant Friend
Dear Friend: It’s true that friendships often go through seasons, and that sometimes a good relationship will run its course with no fault on either side. But that doesn’t seem like the case here. Even if your friend isn’t experiencing cognitive issues, age, emotions, and other life factors may still be prompting changes she isn’t tracking.
It’s telling that her husband told you that they’ve run several tests, suggesting that they are also curious about changes they’re noticing, and perhaps even concerned.
With regard to your question about letting go of the friendship, I’d suggest you do the opposite. You may have to let go of some aspects of the friendship – communication patterns and styles may change; you may not travel together anymore. But if you’re not hearing back from her and there’s no apparent cause, it may be time to pay her a visit. It’s probably best that you stay elsewhere and perhaps come up with a schedule that doesn’t require her to entertain you. Let her know you’ll be in town, of course, and also communicate with her husband, if possible, so this doesn’t read as an ambush.
You may find that she’s still not responsive; if that’s the case, it’s best to accept that. But you may find that the kind of communication you’ve been missing can still happen face-to-face.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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