Dear Eric: My mother’s health is rapidly declining, and for the past three years, she’s been receiving increasingly costly care at home. My siblings and I have repeatedly suggested moving her to a facility where she can receive 24/7 care. However, our eldest sibling, whom I’ll refer to as Jimmy, has consistently opposed this idea. Jimmy believes nursing homes are neglectful, leading to patients being left to die and suffering from severe issues like bedsores.
Interestingly, now that Jimmy’s mother-in-law is entering a nursing home, he suddenly agrees that it might be the appropriate time for our mother to do the same.
We’ve held numerous family meetings to collectively decide on our mother’s care, yet Jimmy often disregards these decisions. Before these disagreements, I had a decent, though not particularly close, relationship with him. However, his self-centered decisions concerning our mother have left me considering cutting ties once she passes away.
Should I allow years of Jimmy’s domineering behavior over our mother’s care to be the reason I sever our relationship?
– Frustrated Little Sister
Dear Sister: It’s truly a shame that Jimmy is reacting to the stress, confusion, and sadness of this difficult time by refusing to cooperate and, as you describe, resorting to bullying. Perhaps he believes he’s trying to keep everything under control or is clinging to an ideal that’s no longer feasible. While I sympathize with both of you, his actions have undeniably strained your relationship, and this needs to be addressed and healed.
Don’t cut him off but do have a conversation with him about the way you’ve interacted in the past. There’s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it’s fine to say something like “I didn’t like being in conflict about mom’s care. I want us to have a different relationship going forward. How can we do that?”
Dear Eric: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and were eager to make friends. We became close to another couple, “Susan and Mike,” rather quickly and saw them often. I realized after several months however that, while I enjoyed Susan’s company, Mike is not someone I am comfortable with.
He is a heavy drinker and makes sexist and racist comments that leave me cringing. I’ve reached out to Susan several times to suggest the two of us do things solo, but unfortunately, they are quite joined at the hip.
She’s reached out a number of times over the past couple of months to ask about our next get together, and each time I pretended we had conflicts but didn’t suggest alternative dates. She reached out again today and I feel bad.
I can’t keep avoiding them, but I am not sure how to best put some distance between us without creating ill will. I feel that honestly isn’t the best policy here, but maybe I am just trying to avoid the inevitable.
– Uncoupling the Couple
Dear Couple: On Monday, I published a letter with a slightly similar issue and replied that, alas, you can’t divorce someone else’s husband. The same is true in your case. Moreover, I think it would be wise to accept what Susan is communicating to you. If she and Mike are a package deal, warts and all, it will probably help you to think of them that way.
I know that Susan’s presence is more tolerable to you than Mike’s – and, from what you’ve written, for good reason. But it doesn’t do you much good to think about how ideal your friendship would be if you could just get Susan away from him. Not going to happen. Indeed, if he’s saying racist and sexist things and you’re cringing, but she isn’t, Mike might not be the only one to hold those opinions.
I don’t mean to malign Susan’s character. And it’s not right to hold anyone responsible for their spouse’s actions, but it sounds like she’s thinking of this as a couple friendship. And so, the truth, for you, is that it doesn’t work. I find directness to be the best course when one friend keeps reaching out, difficult though it may sometimes be. The alternative – slowly drifting apart or escalating instances of ignoring – stands to create just as much ill will. Instead, consider telling the truth. “We like you and we’ve appreciated being friends with you, but it’s hard to take some of Mike’s comments, such as [X] and [Y].”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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