Dear Eric: My husband and I, now in our 70s, have always found it challenging to form a bond with our daughter-in-law.

She has been part of our family for 13 years, younger than our son by nine years, and this marks his second marriage. Together, they have an 11-year-old son.

Her temper is quite volatile, often resulting in yelling, door slamming, and what I’d describe as tantrums. Her son frequently bears the brunt of her outbursts. When he visits us alone, he’s a delightful, calm, and helpful child. However, her presence transforms him into a nervous, erratic version of himself within minutes.

Recently, during a visit to pick up our grandson, she had another outburst. She left our home so forcefully that she slammed the door, causing our weather station to fall and shatter.

We began discussing her troubling behavior and its impact on us, not realizing she had quietly re-entered and overheard everything. Seizing the moment, I asked her why she seemed perpetually angry. Her response was sharp: “Your son only wants to work and play his music.”

We started talking about her and her behavior and how it upsets us. She had quietly snuck back in the house and listened to our entire conversation. I took the opportunity to ask her why she is always so angry. She seethed at me “your son, all he wants to do is work and play his music.”

I admit we were talking about her and our opinions of her. My husband even said maybe our son works all those hours to get away from her. We are not blameless, but we did think we were having a personal conversation in our own home.

Needless to say, our son hasn’t contacted us at all nor has he let my grandson contact us.

I don’t know what to do. She will not speak to us. She has no relationship with her parents and no friends.

Do you see any way to have a relationship with my son and grandson going forward?

– Avoiding Anger

Dear Avoiding: It’s possible that your daughter-in-law is emotionally abusing your son and grandson. So, the first step is to reach out to your son and express your regret about how things escalated and your concern for his safety. Tell him, even if he doesn’t feel comfortable reconnecting with you right now, he should reach out to someone for support – a therapist, a faith leader, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org/800-799-SAFE).

It’s dangerous for his family to be isolated from others moving forward. Even if his wife’s behavior doesn’t rise to the level of emotional abuse, it’s clearly disruptive and that relationship needs help.

You can’t force him to get help, but if you prioritize his safety and well-being right now, it’ll put you both in a better position to reconnect once he and/or his family get help.

Dear Eric: “High Call Volume” wrote to you concerning the friend with whom he reconnected, only to receive multiple calls a day. The letter writer wrote, “It drives me nuts for him to call so much. I’ve tried not answering and suggested texting is better for me. To no end, he calls two to three times a day.”

I grew up in my very early years in a household that had a “Party Line” phone. When we finally got our own individual line, we felt like kings! Every time the phone rang, it was for us, and we eagerly picked up the phone. Now, I own a smartphone that most often shows who’s calling. If I’m not able to answer, would be inconvenienced to answer or just don’t want to talk with someone at that time, I let a call go to voicemail.

The point is, just because someone is calling, doesn’t mean I have to answer at that time. “High Call Volume” could let his reconnected friend’s phone calls go to voicemail or talk to him the next time he calls.

– Picking Up At My Own Discretion

Dear Discretion: Though the letter writer has tried not answering, you make a good point about mindset. Smartphones have all manner of call filtering features, from sending calls straight to voicemail to temporarily blocking them altogether. The letter writer can start to think of the calls from his friend as requests rather than demands. This may reframe his friend’s enervating habit. People can call but we don’t have to pick up.

In the larger scheme of things, this is an example of a good internal boundary. The letter writer can’t control what the friend is doing. Though the friend has been asked to modify his behavior, he hasn’t yet. But the letter writer can still put boundaries in place around his own behavior that preserve the relationship. I’m sure many of us have metaphorical ringing phones in our lives that are grating our nerves. It’s good to remember that we can send them to voicemail.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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