Dear Eric: I was married for several years to a woman who, unbeknownst to me, was unfaithful. In hindsight, it’s clear we probably shouldn’t have gotten married at all. Eventually, I divorced her.
After some months had passed, she unexpectedly reached out and wanted to meet. During our conversation, she confessed to the infidelity, claimed her affair with the married man was over, and asked for forgiveness.
Despite her apology, I’m uncertain about her commitment, especially since she insists on keeping her own apartment. Should I forgive her and attempt to reconcile (I have no trouble finding dates), or should I move on? There’s also an enticing job opportunity in a new city that I’m considering.
– Torn Between Choices
Dear Torn: As the song from the musical “Sunday in the Park with George” advises, it’s time to move on. The biggest indicator is in your own words: “frankly, we probably shouldn’t have been married in the first place.” If that’s your genuine sentiment, there’s little reason to revisit a relationship that might not have been right from the start.
While infidelity isn’t always unforgivable, and some couples do work through it, your letter doesn’t provide a compelling reason for why things would be different this time. Additionally, the fact that her recent affair partner is still married is not a promising sign.
When getting back with an ex, it’s healthy to be able to acknowledge what didn’t work before and to be able to communicate clearly about how you’re both going to change things for better outcomes in the future. It doesn’t sound like that’s happening. It’s fine to leave the past in the past.
Dear Eric: I lost my hearing in one ear and my nephew who’s an audiologist suggested a cochlear device might help get some of my hearing back. It was a successful surgery. Now I wear my hair a little longer than I would normally to try to cover it.
The device helps me be able to hear along with a hearing aid in my other ear. The issue I have is adults I don’t know coming up to me and bluntly asking, “What is that?”
I don’t mind explaining what a cochlear device is, but I was brought up not to point out people with visible differences/disabilities, etc. I just wish people who think it’s OK to ask a stranger “what is that?” would stop and think, is it kind? Or will my asking make the person feel better? Or do I really need to ask this?
I wanted to say “why would you ask me that? to the last person who asked me at a funeral. I wasn’t there to be a poster person for cochlear devices.
How do I say politely, none of your business?
– Please Don’t Ask
Dear Please: You’re right – you don’t have to be a spokesperson for cochlear devices or anything else that’s going on with your body or happening in your life. People sometimes forget (or ignore) the fact that one person’s curiosity doesn’t demand another person’s response. With regard to politeness, you don’t need to bend over backward to preserve a stranger’s feelings (or even a friend’s). The next time you’re asked about something related to your appearance or your abilities, it’s fine to say, “I’d rather not talk about it” and leave it at that.
Dear Eric: I was reading a column of yours where a senior couple was asking about downsizing and distributing the many articles (art, antiques, furnishings et cetera) they have collected over the years in their home.
I actually work with some companies that do exactly that. Our profession is called “Senior Move Managers” and there is now actually an association called National Association Of Senior Move Managers.
I am a retired nurse who loves working with seniors, and I am always a little surprised when I tell people what I do (part time) that they have never heard of the service. Believe me, I will definitely be using such a service myself in the not-too-distant future!
Moving is always difficult, and especially so for seniors. It really becomes overwhelming with all the decisions to be made and what to do with all their belongings. Many managers can pre-sort, give or ship items to family members, use donation centers, help lay out a floor plan for the
new residence, pack them and unpack them. I just wanted to give you that information because I think it is a very much needed service, especially for seniors!
– Senior Move Manager
Dear Manager: Thanks for sharing this resource. Personally, I’ve had wonderful experiences with senior move managers. And I often get letters from children struggling to help their parents downsize and other seniors facing life transitions. I think a lot of readers will appreciate knowing about this possibility, whether for themselves or for a loved one.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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