DEAR ABBY: A man I know has been married for four decades. His wife gets upset with him over trivial matters and ceases communication for three to four months at a time. He prepares meals for her, yet she opts to make something different. Alternatively, she prepares meals only to promptly store them in the fridge. Their communication is reduced to terse notes indicating their whereabouts. They endure long car journeys in complete silence. When guests, their children, or grandchildren visit, she serves food to everyone except him.
Eventually, their relationship shifts back to appearing like a typical marriage — complete with intimacy and shared experiences — lasting three to four months, only to revert to the previous pattern. This cycle has persisted throughout their marriage. Previously, the silent periods were shorter — two or three weeks — which seems excessive to me as well. Their grown children visit but remain unaware of these dynamics.
When he addresses the issue with his wife during these times, she is unwilling to discuss it. I suspect she might have bipolar disorder. A nephew of hers has been diagnosed and is receiving treatment. Her husband is contemplating divorce, although he still harbors love for her. He’s uncertain about the best course of action. What do you suggest? — LOOKING ON IN MINNESOTA
DEAR LOOKING ON: It is difficult for me to understand why a husband would tolerate the emotional abuse this man has suffered for 40 years. Please tell your friend that my advice is to consult an attorney, describe what has been happening and ask what his alternatives to the status quo may be. Then he should tell his children the truth about his marriage and inform his wife that he will no longer tolerate the way he has been treated. He should also tell his wife that unless she gets professional help for her problem, he’s leaving.
DEAR ABBY: I am a dog sitter in my 70s who has been taking care of a dog for the last five years. Her owner is a nice young man who is well mannered and polite. We have had a good relationship.
A few months ago, he started seeing a lovely young woman, and I am feeling jealous and sad. I realize I could be his grandmother and there never could be anything between us. Perhaps I feel this way because I’m alone and missing the relationship I had with my husband, who passed away 12 years ago. How can I get over this feeling? — LONELY PET SITTER
DEAR SITTER: I’m glad you wrote. A dose of human companionship would be a start. If you are caring for a dog, you must be walking it regularly and, by virtue of that, meeting people. Step it up a bit. See what other activities are available for seniors in your community and join some of them. Whether you fall in love again or not, you are sure to meet new people and have less time alone. Please think positively and give it a try.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
