Dear Eric: My wife and I have shared over four decades of marriage, and she’s truly wonderful. However, a recurring source of tension—and, admittedly, frustration for me—revolves around how we handle dishes and laundry. She often lets them pile up more than I can tolerate.
To address this, I took it upon myself to manage my own laundry and keep the kitchen tidy.
One might think most spouses would appreciate such initiative, right? Yet, as I tackle these chores, she frequently interrupts with critiques on my methods. Comments like, “The detergent goes in first,” or “That’s not how you load the dishwasher,” and “You should let that pot soak before washing,” seem endless. Seriously? I’m handling these tasks, and she’s nitpicking my approach?
So, what’s going on here? What’s her mindset when she does this? How can I encourage her to stop the criticism?
– Frustrated Husband
Dear Husband: Though I don’t mean to sound dismissive, the truth is, I can’t say what’s on your wife’s mind—but she can. It might be best to have a conversation with her about this, just not while you’re in the middle of chores.
You both have mismatched expectations about household chores. Not just when they get done or how, but who’s responsibility they are. For instance, you write that you started doing your laundry out of frustration. Are you also doing hers? Or do you leave that for her? If you are washing her clothes, as well, are they coming out how she expects? There aren’t any wrong answers here, per se – every couple creates their own marriage. But it sounds like a lot of the conflict that you’re having comes from an expectation that you have which she’s not meeting and an expectation that she has which you’re not meeting.
A conversation at a neutral time can help tease that out. Start by asking each other what an ideal division of household labor would look like. Ask “what are the chores that you like to do?” and “what are the chores that you would like to never do again?” See where you match.
Once you’ve started to sketch out a division of labor that works for both of you, and is rooted in communication, you can start to talk about the friction points. But lead with curiosity. You might ask her what bothers her about the way you load the dishwasher, for instance. You might also decide to try out her way.
Dear Eric: l am a 64-year-old woman and have had double knee and double hip replacements. l am a slow walker and have mobility issues, but l am OK. What l find tiresome is l feel l am continually getting advice from people about different treatments, meds, PT, how to walk, blah blah.
I’m sick of it. Like l haven’t thought about it (or done it) already. l know people are well-meaning and trying to help, but the unsolicited advice never stops.
It’s hard not to get angry. l end up feeling very defensive and saying something like, “I’m fine, thank you.” Any other polite boundary suggestions?
– I’m Fine, OK
Dear Fine: Depending on the relationship, you may choose to be more or less terse. But don’t let an obligation to politeness keep you from clarity.
If you’re getting feedback from strangers, it’s fine to say, “I know you mean well, but I’ve got great doctors and we’ve got a plan I’m confident in.” People tend to be insistent about their anecdotal experience, particularly when it comes to medical advice. This isn’t a bad thing when asked for or welcome, but everybody is different and one person’s miracle cure might be another person’s placebo. So, if strangers press, it’s time to shut it down. “I said no, thank you.”
Your body and your health are not open items up for public debate. When you tell someone what your boundary is and they ignore it, you’ll be best served by drawing a clear line.
Similarly, with friends, you may want to be proactive. “I’ve been getting a lot of advice about my health lately. I’m getting a little full, and I really trust my doctors to guide me. So, if you’ve got something to say, please ask me if I’m open to a suggestion first.” Then, if they offer advice unprompted, remind them that you need them to ask if you’re open to it first.
Ideally, a friend who cares about you will understand and adjust. But you may find some people still struggle with asking permission. With those friends, the loving, healthy – and, I would argue, polite – thing to do is to set an even firmer boundary. If your health comes up, the conversation is over.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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