DEAR ABBY: I recently lost the love of my life, who passed away in our apartment. I am devastated and find myself crying frequently while trying to maintain some strength. Being in our apartment alone, especially at night, frightens me. During the day, I keep busy with arts and crafts along with other activities. I’m considering moving back to our previous area due to limited public transportation here. Although my grandchildren are nearby, loneliness engulfs me. I’m truly unhappy. What do you suggest I do? — ONLY ME NOW IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ONLY: Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your partner’s passing. You mentioned that his death was recent and difficult. It’s wise to wait about a year before making any significant life changes. Discuss with your children and grandchildren before deciding to move.
If relocating could offer you more social engagement, it might be worth considering. Meanwhile, join a grief support group (virtually, if transport is challenging) and focus on adapting to this new chapter as a single individual.
DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of six and a grandma to four. We are a close family and enjoy each other’s company. My mom is nearly 80. For reasons I could never understand, she didn’t enjoy my children when they were growing up and didn’t connect deeply with them. She once commented to me that she was bored with women her age because they were “obsessed” with their grandchildren and she wanted deeper conversations.
Mom moved away and would mostly visit just for holidays and birthdays. When the children tried to share things that were going on in their lives, she wasn’t interested, and we eventually stopped inviting her to sports events and recitals because she seemed annoyed to be there.
Now that her grands have almost reached adulthood, my mother wants to connect with them. She texts them often and sometimes invites them to visit. They respond politely, and a couple have gone to visit her, but none seem interested in a deeper relationship. This bothers her, and she has been asking me to pressure them to visit her and include her in their lives more. But to them, she is a distant relative. They don’t feel close to her.
What is my responsibility now? I wish they had a closer relationship with my mom, but I feel awkward telling busy young adults they must plan trips to visit someone who didn’t try to establish relationships with them when they were young. Any advice? — TORN DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your only responsibility is to remind your mother of the truth. When it was time to establish a relationship with her grandchildren, she chose to be absent. Then explain that pressuring them to include her in their lives after she excluded them from hers won’t have the desired effect because that ship sailed a long time ago.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
