DEAR ABBY: For nearly 30 years, my husband and I enjoyed a close and trusting relationship. A few months ago, I discovered he was dishonest about meetings he had with a 35-year-old colleague. I uncovered months of continuous texting between them. When I confronted him, he reacted with anger and defensiveness, claiming it was all work-related, that I was being overly controlling, and that I was making too much of it.
Recognizing this was more than trivial, I pushed for some resolution. Unfortunately, every conversation became heated without any resolution, leading to more detachment from his side while the messages persisted.
He recently admitted his behavior was inappropriate and assured me he has stopped the communications. He claims he loves only me and wishes for me to trust him once more. However, after his secrecy, lies, and defensiveness, I’m unable to do so. He acts as if nothing happened, aiming to rebuild trust, but for me, it feels irreparably damaged.
After years of what I assumed was a loving marriage, I was completely caught off guard. I’ve always valued your guidance, so I seek your perspective on how to cope. — BLINDSIDED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR BLINDSIDED: You believed for nearly 30 years you had a strong bond with your husband. Clearly, he made a significant mistake. What do YOU desire moving forward? While rebuilding trust after such breaches is possible, it will demand effort from both sides.
Consider if you’re willing to give up what you and your husband worked hard for and strike out on your own. Your husband can’t pretend this didn’t happen because it did. If you both want to mend your strained marriage, you might need guidance from a qualified marriage and family therapist, and it will take time. The decision rests with you.
DEAR ABBY: “Carole” and I have been friends for 30-plus years. Her marriage was great as long as her husband wasn’t using drugs. When he was using, he would abuse her verbally, physically and emotionally. He passed away, and she’s now dating an abusive alcoholic. When he’s not drinking (which is, maybe, three days a month) he’s very sweet. I have tried telling her that she’s enabling him, but she says she “loves” him. How can I get her to open her eyes before something bad happens? — WORRIED FRIEND IN ARIZONA
DEAR FRIEND: What Carole really means when she says she “loves” this addict is that she needs the companionship he provides, and she’s willing to put up with the abuse for three good days a month. Health care providers are required to make a report if they provide medical services to a patient who they suspect is suffering from an injury due to abuse. Short of hauling her to an emergency room if he physically abuses her, there is nothing you can do to “save” her. Let her know you are there for her in times of need and give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
