The rise of Zohran Mamdani as a contender against Eric Adams for New York City’s leadership has prompted many residents to seek alternatives. My colleagues, Brandon Morse and Ward Clark, have provided their respective insights about the potential of Texas and Alaska for those considering relocation due to anticipated political constraints. However, I must caution against looking at Florida, particularly its northern region, as the paradise one might envision. It isn’t quite the green utopia some might hope for.
Indeed, Florida has been a favored destination for many former New Yorkers. Yet, as someone who has lived in this chaotic peninsula all my life, I feel compelled to provide several reasons why you should reconsider moving to this stretch of land in the temperate south. Thriving here requires a particular kind of resilience, and the comforts you enjoy elsewhere are not present in what feels like Florida’s psychiatric waiting room.
The Weather
Many are drawn to Florida for its warmth. However, what they omit from their idealized images is the term “always”. Our winters can be brutal temperatures plummeting into the 40s, sometimes lasting up to 10 days, prompting fashion-conscious women to inexplicably don Ugg boots. For the rest of the year, we fluctuate between warm and sauna-like conditions. At present, stepping out feels akin to walking into a wet curtain.
But that is just the good weather. Thunderstorms rear up on a moment’s notice, and lightning is so prevalent that we even named one of our hockey teams after that murderous electrical scourge from the sky. (Yes, we have two NHL teams here, to give you a sense of how propriety is not a main concern.)
Then, of course, there is the big one. Look at this state on a map, and it resembles the inverse of a lightning rod, a long tempting target for hurricanes. We have become so inured to these regular arrivals that natives do not even get motivated unless we hear of a Category-2 arriving, and then we are bothered because we have to bring in the patio furniture. Tropical systems that create banner headlines for you for days are so commonplace that they merely mean you might be late for work, because of the traffic.
Commuting
Yes, the traffic. I know between the subways, bus lines, and taxis that getting around is second nature and those services are a mainstay in your berg, but allow me to explain how Floridians use public transit – we don’t. Everyone drives everywhere because we are not centrally located in any capacity. This means that all of the people on the road are either used to the driving where they came from, or not used to it at all, making every commute a cause for a therapy session.
Despite the mass of vehicular humanity surrounding people, most drive as if they are on a vacant roadway; pulling out in traffic is arbitrary, merging is an act of aggression, slow traffic putters in the left lane, and turn signals are no longer operational when you drive south of Jacksonville. It is a common act of fraternity when two drivers with Florida plates look at each other and share a knowing shake of the head.
The Scenery
Although you are city dwellers, we know you enjoy getting out and enjoying some of the other areas of your state. Striking out to enjoy the scenery, enjoying the colors of the change of seasons, or going to the Adirondacks for a ski weekend are no longer options. There are no seasons here as you know them. We hope you like the color green, because everything remains that shade at all times. Even in the communities where they import shade trees that do not last, as the next tropical storm will topple that flora, as the saturated ground and shallow root systems mean those trees will be supine in the streets.
If you want to drive around and enjoy the landscape, sorry – we do not have one. This place is as flat as a Pickleball court. Our highest elevation is at the city dump. Any skiing you will do is from behind a boat, and if you fall, it is not a matter of getting back up but of waiting for your ride to swing back and get you, as you bob in the water as a sodden temptation for the aquatic predators.
Natural Threats
With the second-longest coastline and jacuzzi-level water temperatures, sharks abound off of our beaches. The trick is to just act so crazy that they want nothing to do with you.
And yes, after decades of conservation efforts, alligators have not only made a comeback, they have made themselves at home and make your home an adventure. If you live near water (and believe me, everyone here is near water, as any hole deeper than a grave means you tapped into the water table), gators are a probability. Our bars and restaurants frequently have warning signs on the property, and if you own a pet under 40lb,s you are basically ringing a reptilian dinner bell. And this is not a problem solved by erecting a fence.
Sure New Yorkers, Florida may sound like a good idea… pic.twitter.com/qjfgwuyTJx
— Brad Slager: CNN+ Lifetime Subscriber (@MartiniShark) June 28, 2025
The Pizza and Bagels Suck
I have been hearing this droning complaint from transplants for generations. This springs forth from the tendency of New Yorkers to elevate the most mundane items in the city into beatific experiences. Bodegas are just cramped convenience stores. The “charm” of a bustling city means 24/7 noise outside your window. And the claim that New York pizza is elevated above all others is another exaggerated tout. I once worked with a guy who claimed his great-uncle was the person who “invented” pizza-by-the-slice.
The mewling I have endured about the inability to find good pizza or bagels here has become risible, as the residents tell me the difference is in the water used to make the dough. Sure, New York’s municipal water supply is the most pristine on the planet, more so than what is delivered from Florida’s natural springs percolating through our limestone deposits.
Florida Man
The infamous antics of the natives here have become legendary, and allow me to state that they are, in fact, real. News items that generate headlines in all other parts of the country barely rate a mention on page 26 of a local paper. A story that has people talking for weeks in any state would be described here as “a Tuesday”. We have accepted the lunacy to such a degree that we stage Florida Man competitions.
Our people steal ambulances and get arrested when they pull over to drink a beer. They flee police with a car full of drugs and get tasered while wearing a dalmatian onesie. We get arrested after causing a fight over free refills at a child’s lemonade stand. Even the ladies get in on the action by posing as ICE agents to kidnap an ex-boyfriend’s wife from her job.
Perhaps the quintessential Florida Man story (sure to be topped in one week) is the man who got into a fight with an employee at Wendy’s while getting fast food. This is a common enough occurrence, but this guy took his anger out by tossing an alligator at the worker in the drive-through window.
Let’s contemplate the factors behind this tale: For this tableau to play out, you need to consider that the guy began his night by driving around with a gator in his car. What was his initial plan, and what would have taken place if they had gotten the correct sauce for him with his chicken nuggets remains open to speculation.
So, fair warning to New Yorkers scanning the real estate listings here in America’s Mullet. There are plenty of threats in this area, from the weather, the aggressive wildlife, and most dangerous of all, the residents. Maybe a better choice for relocation would be a more mundane Missouri for your landing spot.
