In New York, after a disappointing Democratic mayoral primary where a committed communist secured the Democratic nomination, those who have the means in New York are looking to leave. It’s understandable. The newly chosen Democrat candidate is set to roll out policies that would earn applause from Karl Marx himself.
So, indeed, they’re departing. And, you know, that’s the beauty of the United States. If you’re not happy with how things are in your state, you have 49 others to choose from, thanks to the foresight of the Founders and the brilliance of federalism. However, some research is necessary if you’re planning to leave one place for brighter prospects, and my friend and colleague Brandon Morse has offered some important warnings for New Yorkers considering relocating to his home state of Texas; he provides strong points.
But he ends with this sentence:
Go to Alaska. They’ve got a ton of room up there.
Yeah, Brandon, I have to say, I don’t think Alaska is the place for refugees from the Big Apple.
Firstly, our winters. Oh, our winters! Alaska’s winters should not be underestimated. Sure, it gets cold in New York, even in your vast concrete jungle known as the city. But believe me, Alaska is different. We experience nighttime temperatures plunging into the thirties and forties below zero. Winter snowfalls are measured in feet. You’ll require a large, heavy four-wheel-drive truck to tackle our winter roads, and do you know about tire chains? You will soon. Your big-city overcoat won’t suffice here, either. Think of fur, wool, and thick parkas. Oh, and ensure your headlights are functioning, because around the winter solstice, you will only have about 4-5 hours of daylight, and that will be from a low sun, just above the horizon. Look up “Seasonal Affective Disorder” and be ready.
Second, the summers. The summers here are beautiful, although short. Alaska, like most of the United States, has four seasons: June, July, August, and winter. The summers can be mild and pretty, but there are costs: Mosquitoes the size of an F-16, and in their millions, billions, clouds of mosquitoes, endless mosquitoes. You might get away from them if you go north, but north is the land of the black fly – think mosquito, but bigger, faster, tougher, and more aggressive. Alaska has 35 species of mosquitoes, and they all have two things in common: Massive, sky-darkening swarms and a desire to drain your blood that would make a certain Romanian Count feel inadequate. Also, buy some blackout curtains, because in summers the sun’s up at a little after 4 AM and won’t set until nearly midnight – and then the sky still stays bright. This will inflict upon you the other side of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Did I mention the winters? Oh, those winters!
Third, the bears. These aren’t the cute, fuzzy little black bears you have in the eastern United States, although we have those, too. No, we have real bears: The coastal browns and the inland grizzlies, both members of the same species, Ursus arctos. The coastal bears are bigger. Big males can weigh over half a ton. Inland griz, due mostly to diet, are a little smaller, but only a little. Both can run 35-40 miles per hour. Both can rip the door off a super-duty truck. Both have a bone-crushing bite with teeth like railroad spikes, and while they may be cautious around humans, that’s all they are; they are not afraid of you or anything else. The tourist guides will advise you to carry bear spray, a lot of Alaskans will advise you to carry a major-caliber sidearm, but the best defense is this: Always choose as a companion someone you can outrun.
Fourth, the moose. The moose, Alces alces, is the largest deer in the world, and Alaska’s strain, the Alaska-Yukon moose, is the largest moose in the world. This is the only animal in Alaska more likely to do you injury than the bears, and a mature bull can stand seven feet tall at the shoulder and weigh close to a ton. They, too, are not afraid of you or anything else. Oh, and that one-ton bull can run 35 miles per hour, so the bear advice above still applies. And, unlike the bears, the moose are active all year round, and have the tendency in winter, when the snow is deep, to hang around in your driveway, where the walking is easier, and where they can snack on your landscaping.
Fifth and finally, the people. Oh, you might find Anchorage tolerable, but out here in the Borough? (Don’t get too warm and fuzzy over our use of the term “borough.” Our boroughs are nothing like yours.) When we were planning our move up here, a friend told us, “You haven’t seen crazy rednecks until you’ve seen crazy Alaska rednecks.” Personally, I grew up around crazy rednecks, so I’m right at home. But yeah, Alaskans are odd like that, and they all have guns. Lots of guns. Out here in the Borough, even the hippies have guns. What’s more, they carry them. And they know how to use them. I would not be surprised to learn that, state-wide, there are more guns than people.
Oh, and did I mention the winters? Oh, those winters! Those frigid, snow-and-ice-packed winters! Those long, dark winters!
I could go on. Other adjustments would be difficult for New Yorkers: All our power and phone lines are still above-ground and subject to bad weather, when the power may be down for a day or a week. Cellular phones have no coverage over vast areas. If you’re driving from Anchorage to Fairbanks, you’ll be out of cellular coverage a good part of the way. If you’re thinking of driving to Circle or Dawson City, you’ll want to consider a satellite phone. Oh, and you’ll want at least two spare tires and some extra gas cans. People and services are thin on the ground in most of the state.
As I’m fond of pointing out, you don’t have to be a little bit crazy to live in Alaska, but it sure doesn’t hurt. So, New Yorkers, no! Pay no attention to Brandon’s suggestion. Alaska is empty for a reason. In fact, for at least five reasons noted above. You won’t be happy here. You won’t like the winters. You won’t like the bugs. You won’t like the bears and the moose, and you sure won’t like having a bunch of crazy, heavily-armed bush rats as neighbors.
You New Yorkers who are looking to the exits, might I suggest Florida? There are, apparently, a ton of former Big Apple residents already there. You’ll feel right at home.
