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Can it really be just ten days ago that the case of the century began in our High Court? It feels as if Wagatha Christie has been going on for ever.
Every media outlet has devoured each stiletto stab between rivals Coleen Rooney and Rebekah Vardy. Now they are bitter adversaries and it has captivated the nation, even if we don’t wish to own up to our guilty fascination.
AMANDA PLATELL: Women are judgmental in a way men rarely are
Is this because the case shines a harsh light on a hard truth: that many women are mean girls at heart? And that men like to watch a catfight?
For those just arriving from Mars, this is the battle to the death for the reputations of two WAGs, or footballers’ wives. We are either Team Rooney or Team Vardy. Both have spent an estimated £1.5 million on lawyers fighting the case.
Also about £50,000 on designer clothes, with Rebekah winning the fashion stakes but Coleen the sympathy vote, with her broken ankle in a support boot and one Gucci loafer.
What lies behind our captivation with this High Court scrap is a subliminal recognition that women can be truly nasty to each other.
Colleen Rooney (left) and Rebekah Vardy (right) have spent around £1.5million each on lawyers
Is it hardwired into our DNA to whisper behind a friend’s back: ‘I wouldn’t have worn that with her thighs.’ Or: ‘She looks so great, she’s lost weight, she’s clearly having an affair.’ Despite the advances of feminism, even women juggling families and careers still casually judge each other in a primeval way; the survival of the fittest and the slimmest.
There is always the question of whether casual compliments — a younger girlfriend recently told me I ‘still looked good for my age’ — are actually a way of undermining us.
How often does a woman come home from work upset that a man has said something unkind to her? Not very. Women can be judgmental in a way men rarely are.
Coleen’s and Rebekah’s husbands Wayne and Jamie, who had walk-on roles in this bitch-fest, prove that.
When did you last hear a man saying a male friend was wearing a lousy suit that showed how fat he was? They’re just not bothered.
Perhaps our obsession with the Wagatha trial is a wake-up call for the sisterhood. Are we always there for our girlfriends, good times and bad? Are we really the emotionally superior sex? Whatever the verdict, I know we women can do better.
There’s the added bonus we no longer have to hear about RiRi’s bump
Farewell to RiRi’s bump
Rihanna has a healthy baby boy, a month after her rapper boyfriend A$AP Rocky was arrested by the LA police in connection with a shooting in Hollywood. Mother and child are resting at her LA home, but no mention of Dad. A new child is always great news — but there’s the added bonus we won’t have to see another picture of RiRi parading her baby bump.
May I humbly suggest to the dour former Director of Public Prosecutions, Sir Keir Starmer, that his best defence against charges of drinking beer with 15 people during Covid is that he couldn’t find five to party with him to save his life.
A bad moment for Chancellor Sunak as he and his wife’s joint £730 million fortune lands them in the Sunday Times Rich List. Cash-strapped Brits will now find it even harder to believe Richy Rishi’s claims that he feels their pain. Most Chancellors only coin it once they’ve been sacked, which for Sunak must surely be very soon.
Despite Labour and the Guardian’s ‘fury’ as the PM escapes the police inquiry into Partygate without a second fine, most of us know it’s time to move on to matters more pertinent, such as the tanking economy. I’d rather have Boris in charge than a coalition of Sir Keir Starmer and Sir Ed Davey. Who he, you ask? The leader of 13 Lib Dem MPs.
Gwynnie isn’t working
With stiff-bristled brush in hand, Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that the secret to her beautiful skin is vigorously scrubbing her entire body every morning in a sauna before she showers. ‘There’s nothing like it,’ she swears. Nothing indeed — except, for most working mums, a job to get to.
Long WFH of the law
What would DSI Roy Grace of the hit TV series Grace have to say about the news that police are investigating murders while working from home?
How can you solve a crime without your trusty sidekick, no chief inspector kicking your butt, no whiteboards covered in pictures of suspects and grisly death scenes, no wacky theories that prove to be true, no meetings with the team? One thing is for sure, with DS WFH, dangerous criminals will be going to work as never before.
Conversations with Friends
Much debate over why the TV adaptation of feted millennial author Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends got such a panning after she had a TV hit with Normal People. Too woke? A bleeding-heart script? Having watched it all, I blame the casting director and intimacy coach for throwing together for the lead roles the two anaemic lovers Joe Alwyn as Nick and Alison Oliver as Frances — both simpering actors whose ‘steamy’ sex was little more enthralling than watching two slugs making out.
Canada’s Debt to Britain
Canada’s indigenous leaders want the Queen to apologise over Britain’s colonial atrocities and are seeking reparation for their people’s suffering. Jolly good. But while we’re at it, how about the UK demanding reparation for what we’ve contributed to Canada — establishing one of the oldest and most stable parliamentary democracies in the world, with the rule of law and a preferential $24 billion trade agreement that has enriched this frankly insignificant country — and, let’s not forget, very straight roads.
Why not take the knee to fight homophobia, too?
What a great moment when Jake Daniels, 17, became the first active pro footballer to come out as gay. Gary Lineker predicts it will open the door to a host of other top-name players doing the same. I’m not holding my breath. So after taking the knee against racism before each match, why not take the other one against homophobia — which, as we footy fans know, is still rife in the game.
First World Problems
Two startling new reports, one warning that 1.3 million British children will be obese by 2030; the other that the number of hospital admissions for anorexia and bulimia has risen by 84 per cent — at a time when 10 per cent of the Third World is starving.
While I have the greatest sympathy for eating disorder sufferers, it gives a whole new meaning to First World problems.
Shouldn’t biological women be given a little more respect by our NHS?
The NHS has removed the word ‘woman’ on advice pages about ovarian, womb and cervical cancer to be trans-inclusive. As these cancers kill more than 7,500 women in Britain each year, shouldn’t biological women be given a little more respect by our hard-pressed NHS? After all, Government figures show there are some 34 million of them in the UK — compared with a trans population of up to 500,000.
Where are the fathers?
One of the surprising things about the people who have appeared on TV to speak about the cost-of-living crisis is that most are single mums. I admire women who raise kids alone, but where are the fathers?
Hard to know what was more adorable: the Queen making a surprise visit to open the Elizabeth line; that she looked so sprightly in canary yellow; or that she didn’t know how to use an Oyster card. Long may she reign over those republicans. Off with their heads.
Royal biographer Andrew Morton revealed in our serialisation of his book that it is untrue the Queen refused to allow a royal aircraft to bring Diana’s body home from Paris or that she wanted the Princess to be sent to a Fulham mortuary rather than to rest in the Chapel Royal. Wicked lies from Prince Charles’s advisers at the time.
Morton also revealed that on hearing of Diana’s death, Charles wept, saying over and over: ‘What have we done to deserve this?’ before calling Camilla. His first thought was typically self-pitying, his second of his lover — facts that will never endear him to us.