“I have already made my decision on the next step to do at the end of the season. I already made up my mind. I already have my plan, I know what I want to do, the next step I want to take. I think 60% of the people mention the rumours about me linked with the Premier League. The Premier League is one of the biggest leagues in the world. I want to finish the season with Napoli strong then come up with the decision I’ve already made.”

Victor Osimhen made this declaration to the world earlier this week. The Nigerian striker looks set to leave Napoli in the coming months, and boy is he going to have a lot of suitors to choose from.

Most of Europe’s elite sides are in desperate need of a new leading man, a striker to fire them back to the top table.

Who needs him most, though? Where should Osimhen take his talents to next? Let’s look at the contenders.

Likelihood rating: 1/10
Fun rating: 1/10

The least fun scenario outcome imaginable in the Osimhen saga would be him returning to Ligue 1 and signing for PSG as a long-term replacement for Kylian Mbappe, who is almost certainly going to join Real Madrid.

We don’t need to tell Osimhen to not do this. His statement, and many other previous interviews, have made it seem pretty clear that the Premier League will be his destination.

Likelihood rating: 2/10
Fun rating: 7/10

But if Osimhen doesn’t go to England, then he should definitely be waiting by the phone for Real Madrid to call.

Let’s say Los Blancos get their top target in Mbappe. Let’s say they want to also bolster their ranks with an actual centre forward (that isn’t current loanee Joselu). The best available on the market is Osimhen, a proper Galactico in waiting.

Add those two to an attack with Vinicius Junior, Rodrygo and Jude Bellingham. Woof. Now that’s scary.

Likelihood rating: 5/10
Fun rating: 5/10

Right, let’s get into the real contenders – Premier League clubs with power, money and influence.

First up we have Manchester United, who are still waiting to find a prolific rival to the goal-scoring freak firing them in at all angles across town. Ironically, Osimhen is a pretty similar stylistic fit to Erling Haaland.

Rasmus Hojlund is still finding his feet though has at least shown glimpses of huge potential (that incredible performance at home to Galatasaray still lives in my head rent free). The young Dane could do with an experienced head to take the pressure off a little, but bringing in Osimhen would kill his prospects and make the £72m spent to sign him from Atalanta last summer seem a little bit of a waste.

Obviously if Osimhen comes out and says something like, ‘I only want to play for United’, then the situation is different, but the Red Devils should look at other targets and spend their cash elsewhere in a realistic world.

Likelihood rating: 5/10
Fun rating: 8/10

Close your eyes. Imagine Darwin Nunez. What’s he doing? Eating a bicycle with a single mouthful? Chasing after a herd of leopards? Going for a swim in Niagara Falls? Firing the ball hopelessly over the bar while contorting his body like a piece of plasticine in claymation? All of the above?

Well, imagine if he could hit a barn door more often. That’s Osimhen, basically – a gangly and menacing striker who always finds a way to make himself busy, but is also a proven top-level scorer.

Mohamed Salah’s contract is up in 2025 and he could be the subject of another huge approach from the Saudi Pro League this summer. If Liverpool want to refresh their attack without finding a totally like-for-like replacement, they should enter the Osimhen sweepstakes.

Right now, it seems just a little too far-fetched, but don’t rule it out completely, particularly if Liverpool really want to shake things up in the post-Jurgen Klopp era.

Likelihood rating: 7/10
Fun rating: 8/10

It’s a bit of a problem when you’re a Premier League title-contender and your star striker admits that scoring goals isn’t really their strength.

Top spot might be just beyond Arsenal once more this season, but at least their weakness is a glaring one – they need a prolific number nine.

There are still a few question marks over the Gunners’ credentials for a pursuit of Osimhen. Is spending Declan Rice-type money the new norm for them or just a one-off? Would they go all-in for Osimhen when they could probably get Ivan Toney for a tad cheaper?

Likelihood rating: 9/10
Fun rating: 8/10

You know what? I’m just going to say it. I don’t think Nicolas Jackson is that bad.

Can he be the starting striker for a team with serious aspirations? No, probably not, but he’s perfectly suitable as either a backup or a handy versatile option, particularly one without the burden of scoring so often. That’s where Osimhen fits in.

Nigeria and Chelsea legend John Obi Mikel has been pushing him towards a move to Stamford Bridge to the point where it would break his heart if Osimhen didn’t go. You don’t want to do that, do you, Victor?

Chelsea’s striker curse, your next protagonist awaits.