There comes a moment, often in your mid-40s, when the wheels begin to loosen.

Not in any dramatic, outward way, but in a slow unraveling of your sense of self. One day you’re fine, and the next, you find yourself irrationally irritated by your partner’s breathing, unable to remember the name of the colleague you’ve worked with for years, and wide awake at 3am for the third night in a row.

You might wonder if something’s wrong with you. You might worry it’s ageing, burnout, or even early cognitive decline. But in most cases, it’s something far more ordinary. And it begins with your hormones and the onset of perimenopause.

These are the subtle and often unsettling realities of midlife that many women experience but few are properly prepared for. The emotional volatility. The brain fog. Insomnia. The sense that your body is no longer responding in quite the same way it once did. 

These aren’t imagined. They’re biochemical. And, crucially, they’re not inevitable.

What I’ve learned over two decades as a nutritionist is that food can act as one of the most powerful tools for restoring stability and a sense of clarity in the body. 

It cannot erase midlife, but it can profoundly reshape the experience of it. Not through fads or restriction, but through small, intelligent adjustments rooted in biology.

Let’s start with the one many women are reluctant to admit.

Faye James (pictured) specialises in nutrition for women over the age of 40

Perimenopause and declining oestrogen can women feel irrationally irritable with their partners

Why you suddenly hate your husband

If you’ve found yourself irrationally irritable around your partner, you’re not alone. Women often describe a growing intolerance for noise, mess, small talk, or even just the proximity to others. 

They ask me, sometimes sheepishly, ‘Why can’t I stand him anymore?’

This isn’t just frustration. It’s often a response to declining oestrogen. What many don’t realise is that oestrogen doesn’t only govern reproduction. It also plays a key role in regulating mood, memory and stress. As levels drop in perimenopause, the nervous system becomes more reactive. The same behaviours that were once mildly annoying can suddenly feel unbearable.

This doesn’t mean your marriage is unravelling. It means your neurochemistry has changed. The body is more sensitive, more alert, and often more easily overwhelmed.

One of the simplest ways to support this transition is by including more phytoestrogens in the diet. These are plant-based compounds that have a gentle oestrogen-like effect in the body. While they’re not a replacement for hormone therapy, for many women they offer a noticeable softening of symptoms.

Helpful sources include soy foods such as tofu, tempeh and edamame, ground flaxseeds, legumes such as chickpeas and lentils, and sesame seeds. These are not niche health foods. They are everyday ingredients that, when eaten regularly, can contribute to more stable moods and a greater sense of ease.

This is not to suggest food can repair every relationship. 

But when the hormonal terrain is supported, you may find yourself less reactive, more patient, and perhaps more able to recognise the difference between a genuine grievance and a physiological response.

‘This is not to suggest food can repair every relationship. But when the hormonal terrain is supported, you may find yourself less reactive, more patient, and perhaps more able to recognise the difference between a genuine grievance and a physiological response,’ Faye James says 

When you lose your words in the middle of a sentence

The next symptom women often raise, sometimes tearfully, is brain fog. They forget names, lose track of conversations, and struggle to concentrate. Many worry privately that they’re developing early dementia. The experience can be profoundly disorienting.

While fluctuating hormones certainly play a role, one of the most under-recognised contributors to brain fog in midlife is iron deficiency as revealed in a recent study. Even when iron levels are not clinically low, a marginal deficiency can reduce oxygen supply to the brain and affect cognitive performance.

Women in their forties are particularly at risk due to heavier or irregular periods, increased stress and dietary changes. Iron is essential for brain function, and when it drops, clarity often goes with it.

The solution is not to immediately reach for supplements, but to improve the quality of iron in the diet. This means including haem iron, which is most easily absorbed by the body, from sources such as lean red meat, liver, sardines and eggs. For those who follow a plant-based diet, iron can still be obtained from lentils, tofu, quinoa and dark leafy greens, provided these are paired with a source of vitamin C, such as citrus or capsicum, to support absorption.

It’s also important to avoid drinking tea or coffee with meals, as they inhibit iron uptake. Over time, restoring iron stores can bring a marked improvement in concentration and mental sharpness. The fog lifts. Words return.

Avoiding eating too late can prevent those frustrating 3am wake-ups, nutritionist Faye James says 

The reason you’re wide awake at 3am

Few symptoms are as disruptive or exhausting as the early morning wake-up. You fall asleep easily, only to wake in the small hours, heart racing, unable to settle. This is not poor sleep hygiene. It is often the result of dysregulated cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone.

In a well-functioning system, cortisol should be low at night and rise in the early morning. But in many midlife women, it spikes too early. This can be due to stress, blood sugar instability, or inflammatory processes linked to hormonal shifts.

What you eat in the evening can either calm this process or exacerbate it. One of the most effective changes is to avoid eating too late. Digestion raises body temperature and can delay melatonin production. Ideally, dinner should be finished at least two to three hours before bed.

It also helps to avoid high-carbohydrate or sugary meals at night, which can lead to a crash in blood sugar and a rebound cortisol spike. Instead, focus on a balanced evening meal that includes complex carbohydrates, lean protein, and healthy fats. A piece of grilled salmon with sweet potato and steamed greens is more effective for sleep than a bowl of cereal or pasta.

For those who find themselves waking regularly, a modest period of overnight fasting, such as twelve to fourteen hours between dinner and breakfast, can help reset the body’s cortisol rhythm. This is not about restriction but about allowing the body to enter a natural state of metabolic rest.

In addition, incorporating foods rich in magnesium and tryptophan can help calm the nervous system and support melatonin production. Almonds, oats, bananas, leafy greens, turkey and eggs are particularly helpful. If a snack is needed before bed, choose a small portion of yoghurt with pumpkin seeds or a slice of turkey breast on a wholegrain cracker.

Finally, while exercise is essential, intense evening workouts can keep cortisol high. Gentle movement such as stretching, walking or restorative yoga after dinner can support better sleep.

Exercise is essential but late night workouts can disrupt sleep

A time for renewal, not decline

What many women experience after 45 is not a decline, but a change in rhythm. The body asks for different things. It requires more care, more thought, and a deeper understanding of what supports it best. This is not weakness. It is wisdom.

No dietary shift will eliminate every symptom. But by feeding the body what it needs during this transition, it is possible to restore energy, improve mental clarity, and feel more at peace in your own skin. You may even find yourself remembering what you used to like about your partner.

Faye James is a Sydney-based nutritionist and author of The Perimenopause Plan, The Menopause Diet. She specialises in nutrition for women over 40 and life-changing menopause retreats