Dear Eric: My husband is struggling with dementia, and his condition is deteriorating with each passing month. As his caregiver, I find solace in the support of our children. Our daughter calls during her commute home, while our son checks in several times a week. They have become my pillars of strength, offering invaluable advice and unwavering support.
We are approaching our 55th wedding anniversary, which falls just days before Christmas. Due to the nature of my husband’s dementia, he is unable to communicate effectively, whether through speech, reading, or writing. This makes hosting a traditional celebration challenging for both guests and family members.
Considering these challenges, I proposed a dinner cruise as a compromise to mark the occasion. However, when I suggested this to my daughter, she informed me that her husband’s family plans to travel to Hawaii during that time. They intend to honor a loved one by spreading ashes for his nephew’s wife. Although my son and his family could attend, it wouldn’t be the same without my daughter. Additionally, celebrating Christmas without her breaks a longstanding promise that we would always be together. Am I being selfish for wanting all my family present?
– Sad Christmas
Dear Christmas: Your feelings are completely understandable, and you are not being selfish. This is a difficult situation, but not without solutions. Your desire to have your children’s support during a challenging time and to honor your marriage while considering your husband’s needs is both natural and commendable. The key lies in open communication.
Have an honest conversation with your children about your hopes for the Christmas season. Recognize that the holidays can pull families in different directions, and work together to find a compromise. By discussing your feelings and expectations openly, you may discover a plan that accommodates everyone’s needs and helps you feel the support you long for.
It may feel like your daughter has chosen a different branch of her family tree over yours, or broken a promise, but I’d encourage you to think of it as a logistical logjam, made up of good intentions, rather than an intentional slight.
In this conversation, don’t be afraid to be honest with your kids about concerns you have, if any, about the pressure time and illness put on you to make something special happen soon. This isn’t to guilt them, but rather to say, “this is where I’m coming from; this is the track that’s playing in the back of my mind.”
Christmas doesn’t have to happen on Christmas. Are you open to the idea of a dinner cruise a week or two earlier, or later? You’d still be able to celebrate Christmas Day with your son’s family – and it’s important to have love and support on that day. But you may find the special occasion you want is a little more flexible than it currently seems.
Dear Eric: My brother (65) lost his wife to Covid in 2023. I (F73) relocated to take care of him while grieving. He has numerous health issues. He does nothing for himself.
I take care of all washing, cooking as well as ordering and dispensing his medications. He is incontinent recently and refuses to wear disposable underwear I purchase for him. There is mess everywhere. I am fed up.
How do I address this with him without creating hurt feelings and tension? I am exhausted from cleaning up after him and am tempted to let the bathroom at least stay filthy. Help!
– Exhausted Sister
Dear Sister: Your brother may still be in the throes of grief over the loss of his wife, and perhaps has diminished capacity. That’s understandable, but that does not preclude him from showing up in some way for himself and for you. I’m curious how much of this behavior is a remnant of his relationship – was he active in the maintenance of his life before his wife’s passing or did she do all the things you’re doing?
Have a state of the household conversation. I know you want to avoid tension, but tension is already there. You’re feeling it. And it’s possible that he’s feeling it, too, and some of his actions may be expressions of it. Without placing blame, talk to him about what the needs of the home are – the things you’re doing, the things you need, the things he needs, the things that are falling through the cracks. Then talk to him about your capacity, i.e., “these are things that I can’t keep doing.” Ask him, “Are there parts of our living situation that don’t work for you?” Then say, “What can we do to improve things for both of us?”
It may look like him taking more of an active role in his care. It may look like reaching out to a social worker, senior manager or doctor about bringing in more help. But it starts with laying out the facts, separately laying out the feelings and then saying, “This is reality; what are we going to do about it?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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