At 40, I have finally discovered what it means to have the most fulfilling sexual experiences of my life. Surprisingly, this transformation wasn’t sparked by meeting a partner with extraordinary prowess.
The secret was knowledge.
After years of dedicating my career to writing about sex, interviewing therapists, doctors, and dating experts, and hearing countless personal stories, I decided to follow the very advice I had been sharing with others.
I let go of the pressure to perform like a star from adult films, stopped prioritizing politeness in the bedroom, and no longer left the best moments to chance, hoping they would align with the right mood or mix of cocktails.
When I took proactive steps to improve my sexual experiences instead of relying on luck, the change was remarkable.
Genuine, consistent orgasms became a reality. Who would have thought?
But while I’ve accidentally wandered into a sexual renaissance, it turns out most women are still standing outside, noses pressed against the glass.
A US survey published last year found that men are still climaxing between 22 and 30 percent more often than women. Another study revealed that while more than 80 percent of men orgasm during casual sex, just 32 percent of women do.
A US survey published last year found that men are still climaxing between 22 and 30 percent more often than women
After years of writing about sex for a living, I finally started taking my own advice
It’s what’s known as ‘the pleasure gap,’ and it has stubbornly refused to close despite all our supposed sexual liberation and feminist progress. So why are so many women still missing out?
Men are easily satisfied but women need a little bit more – and we need to damn well start asking for it!
I experienced my own eureka moment on a random Tuesday afternoon. We had both taken the day off work, and instead of waiting to have sex until we’d had dinner and watched Netflix like we usually did, we just didn’t.
And what a difference.
I wasn’t bloated from pasta. I wasn’t thinking about whether I’d sent an important email. I wasn’t exhausted and wondering if I could get away with just a quickie so I could go to sleep.
Sex therapists have been banging on about this for ages. Afternoon intimacy works because we have naturally higher levels of alertness, cortisol is doing its thing and melatonin hasn’t kicked in yet.
Some therapists even recommend this ‘reverse date night’ – have sex before dinner, not after when you’re full, tipsy and contemplating whether you left the oven on.
Revolutionary, right?
And here’s another thing that really got me. I spent 30-odd years thinking penetrative sex was the main event and everything else was just the warm-up. I’d lie there during what I now realize was the good bit, thinking, ‘Right, this is nice, but when does the real sex start?’
We’ve all been sold the narrative that sex begins with erection and ends with ejaculation. Everything else is just foreplay – I hate that word now.
It’s a script we’ve all internalized, and it prioritizes male pleasure, because only 18 percent of women orgasm from penetration alone.
Which brings me to my next point: use your vocal cords, ladies.
Men aren’t mind readers. Most of them desperately want to know what works, but we’ve been so conditioned not to make a fuss, we’d rather fake it than risk an awkward conversation.
I remember the first time I spoke up during sex.
I was seeing this guy who was very enthusiastic but absolutely rubbish at finding anything resembling the right spot. Instead of lying there, mentally composing my grocery list like I normally would, I moved his hand and said: ‘Can you try this instead?’ He looked thrilled, like I’d just handed him a treasure map.
It’s what’s known as ‘the pleasure gap,’ and it has stubbornly refused to close despite all our supposed sexual liberation and feminist progress. So why are so many women still missing out?
I asked a sex therapist friend of mine why this problem just won’t die, and she said something that stuck with me: ‘Talking about what you like in the bedroom has to be continuous. It’s not one of those one-time awkward conversations.’
She suggested asking affirmative questions like, ‘Was there anything you really enjoyed last time?’ or ‘Would you like more of something?’ It sounds mortifying, I know, but you know what’s worse? Years of mediocre sex because you were too afraid to speak up.
She also explained the ‘taking turns’ approach: instead of both trying to reach the finish line at the same time like it’s some kind of Olympic synchronized event, one person focuses entirely on the other.
I tried it. Game changer. Turns out, when you’re not simultaneously trying to look sexy, sound sexy and make sure he’s enjoying himself while also attempting to have an orgasm, things work a lot better. Who knew?
There’s also something to be said for just knowing your own body. Women in relationships of six months or longer are more likely to orgasm during sex than women hooking up with someone for the first time.
That’s not because commitment is some magical aphrodisiac, it’s because familiarity breeds honesty. After six months, you can say, ‘Actually, a bit to the left,’ without worrying about killing the vibe.
I spent so long thinking I was the problem. That I wasn’t adventurous enough, wasn’t flexible enough, wasn’t doing enough – that sex was mostly for men and women just had to hope for the best.
I tried lingerie. I tried being quieter, louder, more enthusiastic, more mysterious, everything except the one thing that mattered: advocating for my own pleasure.
And if all else fails, take a page out of Pamela Stephens’ book. When I was at her orgasm retreat in the California desert this year, she told me that removing the goal of orgasm entirely can make one more likely.
Because when simple pleasure – rather climax – becomes the focus, the pressure lifts. You stop performing and start experiencing.
And the more I stopped chasing an orgasm like it was the last train home, the more frequently one showed up.
