Dear Eric: As an African American man nearing 70, I wouldn’t say I’m the most devout. However, I feel comfortable stepping into a church without fear of divine retribution.
Since childhood, I’ve maintained a friendship with a white man who takes great pride in his Jewish roots. Much like me and my sporadic church visits, he rarely attends synagogue. Yet, he often emphasizes the significance of his faith as a key element of his identity.
Being not particularly religious myself, I sometimes overlook Jewish holidays. However, my friend frequently nudges me, asking why I haven’t wished him a Happy Chanukah or a joyous Rosh Hashanah.
Just tonight, he sent me photos of a religious event. I did a quick search online but couldn’t pinpoint any Jewish holiday being observed today. How can I gently suggest to my lifelong friend that he should relax a bit?
– Not Religious
Dear Not Religious: It appears your friend is simply eager to share aspects of his cultural heritage with you. While some Jewish individuals may not be deeply religious, cultural traditions and history often hold significant personal value. This connection is crucial, just like with any other cultural identity, whether it’s racial, ethnic, or religious.
So, when he says, “wish me a Happy Chanukah,” he may be saying, “this is a big part of who I am, and it would be meaningful for you to see it and acknowledge it.” Maybe next time consider asking him “what do you do for Chanukah/Purim/et cetera? Tell me what it means to you.” You can also just say, “Happy Chanukkah” and leave it at that.
For holidays you don’t recognize, it’s fine to ask, “what holiday is this?” The internet is also a good resource. I don’t recommend using AI for any information gathering, but there are sites written by humans, like Judaism 101 (jewfaq.org/jewish_holidays), that list major holidays and provide explanations of their importance, if you’re curious.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have enjoyed hosting parties in our home for years. There are some guests that like to bring a bouquet of flowers to thank us. It is a very kind gesture, but to be honest, it’s an inconvenience to deal with flowers while greeting other folks and finishing up last-minute preparations for the gathering.
As alternatives, a small potted plant or flowers in a jar would be another way to thank the hosts without creating extra work.
Of course, we always show appreciation to our guests that bring us bouquets, but would it be rude to give them a vase and scissors and ask them if they could please arrange the flowers? Your thoughts?
– Lover of Flowers and Friends
Dear Flowers and Friends: I don’t think it’s rude at all. Some guests love to be given something to do while the hosts finish preparing dinner. If you can set them up with what they need and they won’t be in your way in the kitchen, hand over a vase without hesitation.
Dear Eric: I’m a retired therapist who specialized in ADHD, with adults and families and couples. I am also ADHD. I wanted to write about a letter from “Tired”, whose friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD and has started using it as an excuse for a new habit of lateness, among other things.
The diagnosis, while in some ways freeing, is an explanation, not an excuse. Most of my ADHD clients worked really hard to learn coping techniques to help them get through their life and work.
There are many behaviors that can be successfully managed. (Timers on our phones work wonders.) This “friend” of Tired’s needs some accountability for her behaviors, and when she received the diagnosis, should have been given some guidance about symptom management.
Dr. Daniel Amen has written several excellent books on ADHD, including tips for families with both children and adults with ADHD.
I am sorry that Tired is going through so much stress. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate her own needs in this relationship, since her friend is exhibiting so little compassion.
– No Excuses
Dear No Excuses: Thank you for this informed perspective. One of the issues with which the original letter writer was struggling was the desire to be compassionate and the feeling of being let down by a friend. And compassion goes both ways. While things like lateness can’t always be avoided, it’s important to acknowledge and take responsibility for the ways our actions impact others. The health conditions we deal with don’t make us bad or good, but it would greatly benefit this relationship for the letter writer’s friend to say, “I know I kept you waiting and I know it’s frustrating. I’m sorry.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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