Dear Eric: My 26-year-old grandson, despite having a master’s degree for three years now, has never been employed. Instead, he spends his nights engrossed in computer games and his days asleep, showing no drive to find work.
His father is absent from his life, and my daughter, his mother, supports him entirely. Though her love for him is evident, she seems reluctant to confront the issue head-on.
While she juggles her job and household duties, I occasionally lend a hand, which I do willingly. Nevertheless, I’m concerned that my help might unintentionally perpetuate his harmful habits. I’m seeking advice on how to assist him in breaking free from this negative cycle.
– Concerned Grandfather
Dear Grandfather: As a steady, supportive figure in his life, you have a unique chance to have an honest discussion with your grandson. I recommend seizing this opportunity. Consider asking him questions like, “What are your employment plans? Are there any challenges you’re facing? Would you like some guidance? In what areas do you need assistance?” Listen carefully to his responses, as they will be quite revealing.
He might mention that he’s been searching for jobs without success or claim that things were different when you were younger, suggesting you might not grasp his current situation. While times have indeed changed, we all must face and adapt to the realities of today.
Go into this conversation with curiosity rather than demands, knowing that his expectations may not match your expectations. He will trust you more as a coach, mentor and resource if you listen to what his goals for himself are and help him chart a path toward achieving those goals.
Similarly, you might ask your daughter if she’s open to opinions about her son. It does sound like this is an enabling situation. But removing the enabling without identifying a goal is just going to cause conflict.
The three of you are all adults who are capable of making your own decisions. Sometimes we have to let our loved ones make a choice that doesn’t benefit them – this goes for your daughter and your grandson. However, you can have the most impact by working with her and with him to set new goals for employment and engagement in the house’s affairs and then holding him to them.
Dear Eric: I am a mother of two adult men. One of which is doing great and is living the single life. The other one is also doing good. He has his own business. My issue is that my son with his own business was engaged and they both decided to call it off.
Now I can’t seem to be happy when I hear about others who are getting married or even having children, whether it be family or people in general I don’t even know.
Looks like both sons are set in their lives and I fear I will not have the joy of being an in-law or grandparent. I guess what I’m asking is for some advice to help me move on. I know you’re probably going to suggest therapy, which I don’t want.
– Unhappy
Dear Unhappy: It is always a little bit of a challenge when people write, “don’t tell me to go to therapy,” because I’m like, “well… but that’s the answer.” However, I can respect your request and give you some other options.
First, is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean “liking” or “wanting” or even “not being mad about.” Acceptance is you saying, “this is what is right now.” That right now is crucial because your wants could change, your sons’ romantic lives could change, anything could change. So, it’s important to say “I don’t have what I want right now” because it helps prevent you from spiraling out into forever.
Secondly, you don’t have to be happy for other people who are getting married or having children. You can send well wishes and be done with it, or you can ignore the announcements altogether.
Thirdly – and this kind of circles back to the beginning, but please hear me out – think about what your feelings of not having in-laws and grandchildren bring up in you, what they might be connected to in your past and other ways that you can get emotional satisfaction in life. Maybe you want a closer relationship with your sons, maybe you want to be a meaningful presence in a child’s life through volunteering, fostering or joining an intergenerational community. Maybe you’re grieving your son’s broken engagement. It’s all possible and all valid.
You don’t have to get into it with a therapist, if you don’t want to. But you do have to get into it with yourself, because unpacking these feelings will help you understand yourself better and find contentment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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