We now know the name of Elon Musk’s latest alleged bambino (child number 14… or 145, no one really knows).

The boy is called Romulus after the first king of Rome, who – according to legend – suckled on his she-wolf mother. And considering that this pup’s momma is none other than the cunning billionaire-stalker Ashley St Clair, it all makes perfect sense.

St Clair, 26 – a right-wing influencer turned professional baby-maker – revealed all in a Wall Street Journal profile this week.

She claimed the Rocket Man knocked her up and then tried to pay her to keep quiet about it, offering up a very decent, indecent proposal: a $15 million lump sum and $1.2 million a year over the course of 21 years for Sweet Saint Ashley to silently accept her role among Elon’s hidden harem.

According to texts seen by the WSJ, this was all part of the South African Sheik’s crusade to repopulate the planet with ‘legions’ of his unfathered children.

‘To reach legion-level before the apocalypse, we will need to use surrogates,’ he reportedly wrote to St Clair.

What a charmer!

The Tesla Twiddler also allegedly made odd requests of St Clair to give birth via caesarean section (what’s up with all the Roman stuff – and why aren’t we bringing back vomitoriums?) and to refrain from circumcising his spawn.

We now know the name of Elon Musk’s latest alleged bambino (child number 14… or 145, no one really knows).

Ashley St Clair, 26 – a right-wing influencer turned professional baby-maker – revealed all in a Wall Street Journal profile this week.

Hell, for that much money, I’d happily grow a foreskin, no questions asked! But apparently, it wasn’t enough for St Clair. 

Indeed, she’s got bigger fish to flay.

It’s clear to me that St Clair was honey-trapping from the start. In a reported text to her bestie in May 2023, St Clair pined for one of Musk’s ‘rocket babies’ like a greedy Jellycat collector.

‘I’ll take one for the team, seduce Elon, and get in a rocket to see what’s up,’ she allegedly wrote.

Now, I’m not giving Elon a pass. His M.O. of DM’ing hot babes, offering them a ride on his Dragon Capsule and then dumping boatloads of cash to keep them in electric cars and Birkin bags for life is starting to turn my stomach.

How is it that the most brilliant man on the planet can be so devastatingly stupid when it comes to women?

I’ll tell you how… because even Albert Einstein’s bulging brains would have shriveled when the blood supply diverted south.

But it takes two to tango – and St Clair appears to be the Mikhail Baryshnikov of the DNA cha-cha.

Don’t forget that St Clair first waltzed on the scene with a Valentine’s Day 2024 tweet declaring: ‘I welcomed a new baby into the world. Elon Musk is the father… I ask that the media honor our child’s privacy.’

Yet now she’s posing for pics on the front page of the Wall Street Journal and dishing on the status of her baby’s pee-pee. Maybe she should have named the child Kash Kow.

For any mother who has navigated a difficult and emotional custody battle, it’s hard to have sympathy for a woman who knew exactly what she was getting into. But Ashley has the nards to cry about her alleged mistreatment.

Is there a patron saint of overflowing cesspools?

Call the Pope, I have a nominee!

Not Sweet Tooth

White Lotus star Aimee Lou Wood wasn’t smiling after her Freddie Mercury overbite got the SNL treatment.

Comedian Sarah Sherman played Aimee with comically large chompers – and the real Wood took offense, posting: ‘I did find the SNL thing mean and unfunny.’

My dear, you have the most celebrated grill since actor Barkhad Abdi played that Somali pirate in Captain Phillips.

YOU’RE the captain now!

White Lotus star Aimee Lou Wood wasn’t smiling after her Freddie Mercury overbite got the SNL treatment.

Gates of Hell

Reading between the lines of Melinda Gates’s new memoir The Next Day, it seems her nerdy ex-husband Bill Gates was an affection-thwarting boar.

She writes about ‘responding to the betrayals in my marriage without betraying myself’. My translation: Bill was a poon hound.

The billionairess warns that, without honesty, ‘You can’t have intimacy, and you can’t have trust.’

Trust me, Bill has the sex appeal of a computer mouse.

JK be rollin’

Badass feminist and Harry Potter scribe JK Rowling celebrated the UK Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not, in fact, women… from aboard her $150 million luxury yacht!

In an X post, she puffed on a slender cigar and wrote, ‘I love it when a plan comes together.’

The wicked wordsmith was compared to Cruella de Vil, but she’s clearly happy to play the dementor for her critics.

Badass feminist and Harry Potter scribe JK Rowling celebrated the UK Supreme Court ruling that trans women are not, in fact, women… from aboard her $150 million luxury yacht!

Bye Bye Bynes

Former child star Amanda Bynes, 39 – who appears to apply her eyebrow tint with Sharpie – has announced she’s going on OnlyFans to make money, but not to share anything ‘sleazy’.

I’m sure pervy fans just want stories from the good ole’ Nickelodeon days and fun cookie recipes!

Cardi B Careful

Bodysuit-clad Cardi B left little to the imagination as she twerked onstage at Coachella last weekend. 

Hordes of horrified fans got a front-row seat to the mom-of-three’s posterior, which looked lumpier than a Cracker Barrel biscuit.

But in fairness to the WAP singer, she has been very open about surgically removing years of biopolymer injections – or as she calls them, ‘ass shots.’ She’s also warned young women to stay away from the dangerous procedure.

Shake what ya momma gave ya, girl!

Berning man  

Curmudgeon Senator Bernie Sanders was also at the California music festival, serving his mothball-scented communism to masses of white kids on molly.

And when he mentioned Donald Trump, they booed, to which Sanders said, ‘I agree!’

I suspect they were REALLY chanting ‘BOO-TY!’

They’d rather see Cardi B’s lumpy dump truck than sit through Bernie’s lectures.

More cowbell

36-year-old country hot-pot Kasey Musgraves is hard up and randy, posting on X last week, ‘Is it possible to die of horniness? Asking for a friend.’

Oh no, she’s from Texas. Keep her away from Elon!

Blake did what?!

The world spat out its coffee this week when Whiny Blake Lively made Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People of 2025 list.

Amid her endless legal battle with director Justin Baldoni, you’d think she’d be on a centerfold in Trial Lawyers Monthly.

An ex-NAACP lawyer ridiculously lauded Bury-Me-aLively as a ‘a student of our country’s most intractable problems.’

Like what? Malignant narcissism and unchecked entitlement?