Woman allegedly shoved 'cheesy nachos' down wife's pants
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Allyson Swan (St. Lucie County Sheriff’s Office).

A woman in Florida was arrested after assaulting her wife multiple times, starting with the unusual act of pushing “cheesy nachos” down her pants, as reported by law enforcement in the state.

Allyson Swan, 39, stands accused of one count of battery causing bodily harm, St. Lucie County court records show.

The incident took place on the night of March 3 at the couple’s residence on South Buttonwood Drive in Port St. Lucie, a sizable coastal city situated approximately 50 miles north of West Palm Beach.

The messy events are detailed in an arrest report by the Port St. Lucie Police Department.

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Police allegedly responded to a third-party 911 caller who said they could hear their friend, the victim, being attacked by her wife, Swan.

When officers arrived, Swan allegedly said “everything was fine” and that her wife was simply “drunk,” according to the report.

The arrest report states, “During my initial interview, she denied any physical altercation and claimed [her wife] was in a drunken rage, which led [Swan] to barricade herself in their bedroom. [She stated her wife] made several holes in the wall, but once again denied any physical confrontation.”

But the defendant’s wife relayed a vastly different narrative.

“She stated she was making nachos with nacho cheese in the kitchen while [Swan] was playing video games in the living room,” the report goes on. “[Swan] told her she shouldn’t be eating this late and made a comment about her weight. The two began arguing and [Swan] walked over to [her wife], grabbed a handful of the cheesy nachos, and shoved them down the back of [her wife’s] pants.”

After that, the wife said she went to change clothes and called her friend, though she was not able to actually begin the conversation.

Swan allegedly was not yet done and followed her wife as she was trying to take off her pants. Then, she pushed her up against the wall, dragged her down to the floor and into the bedroom by her hair, the victim told police.

“[The victim] stated [Swan] pinned her face down onto the floor and shoved her fingers into either side of her mouth and hooked them like a fish,” the report continues. “[Swan] then continued to batter her by grabbing her head and slamming it into the floor multiple times. At some point, [Swan] threw water on [her wife].”

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