Here’s a question many people would rather not ask themselves: are you a good lover? Most of us assume we know our way around the bedroom, but how can you tell if your partner is less than impressed?
A frustrated ex might deliver the verdict during an acrimonious goodbye. In a caring relationship, however, a partner may avoid saying anything that could hurt your feelings. Instead, the warning sign might be a noticeable drop in how often you have sex.
The good news is that bedroom skills can be improved. And the answer may be more surprising than you expect: being a better lover has little to do with appearance, age, athletic ability or performing elaborate moves.
Experts explain the habits to avoid—and the approaches that can help create a more satisfying sex life.
You’re too focused on performing
Sex can feel performative because it is playful and expressive, but becoming preoccupied with how you are performing can get in the way. Even asking, “Am I good in bed?” frames intimacy as a test.
“Compatibility is far more important than performance, which implies there’s some script we should perform to,” says psychosexual and couples’ psychotherapist Clare Faulkner.
Great sex is not measured by an imagined standard for how long a man should last or how pleasing a woman ought to be. Clare’s advice is to “move away from this idea of good or bad”.
It also helps to stop comparing real-life intimacy with what appears on screen. “Those scenes in programmes like Rivals—hot, racy sex in an airplane loo—make brilliant TV, but in real life would be uncomfortable.”
Psychosexual and couples’ psychotherapist Clare Faulkner says great sex is “not about trying to impress” but about “being fully connected to your own experience, your own body and your partner’s body”.
In reality, she says, “when people have magnificent sex in real life, it can be a much slower experience.”
Sex is also inherently messy, so taking yourself—and the occasional awkward moment—too seriously is unlikely to help.
You have a narrow definition of good sex
The popular idea that satisfying sex means simultaneous orgasms through penetration alone has created unrealistic expectations. Clare points out that only about 18 per cent of women orgasm through penetration alone. Research also identifies an “orgasm gap” among straight couples: 95 per cent of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex, compared with 65 per cent of heterosexual women.
“We don’t see an orgasm gap in lesbian and gay couples,” Clare says. “That suggests there’s something about the way we have sex in heterosexual relationships that might not be working for the woman.”
She believes it is important to move away from treating sex as a race towards orgasm—as if it were a mountain to climb and a peak to reach as quickly as possible. Without that pressure, intimacy can become a far more expansive experience.
Becoming more attentive in bed means recognising the whole body as erotic. “When people describe great sex it usually involves being fully connected to your own experience, your own body and your partner’s body,” Clare says. “But it’s not about trying to impress.”
She recommends a “wonderful” ten-minute exercise focused on exploring sensation. One partner might concentrate on the other’s arm, treating it “like the only arm you’ve ever seen” and directing all their attention towards it. Then you switch roles, taking turns to appreciate and be appreciated. The exercise can heighten emotion and encourage you to slow down—an important part of building the atmosphere for deeply satisfying sex.
You take everything personally
Male sexual prowess is often linked to the ability to maintain an erection, but erections can disappear, particularly in men over 40. A woman may assume this means her partner is no longer attracted to her, yet stress, nerves and over-excitement are more common explanations.
“If a man is really focusing on his partner, it can be likely that he loses his erection because focus is elsewhere,” Clare says. “It’s a totally normal part of the process of lovemaking—especially if it’s going to be long, and if we explore different types of touch.”
You’ve stopped asking questions
Curiosity can also fade in a long-term relationship. Clare says sex may become as predictable as “painting by numbers”. Although busy couples understandably rely on familiar techniques when they know what works, that approach can eventually drain the excitement from intimacy.
Clinical sexologist and life coach Marie Morice compares a fixed sexual routine with eating the same favourite dish repeatedly: “Even if you love seafood pasta, if you only eat seafood pasta, it loses its appeal.”
Clinical sexologist and life coach Marie Morice suggests tactfully discussing desire ‘accelerators’ and ‘brakes’ to mix things up
The key then is to emphasise that ‘the goal is to enhance what’s already good’. As in, ‘We love our seafood pasta, that’s our go-to, but shall we try a new dish?’
As you caress your partner, suggests Clare, consider, ‘Who is this touch for? Is it for you, the receiver, or for me, the giver?’ She adds, ‘In a heterosexual couple, he might touch you in a particular way because that’s what he likes, but he hasn’t asked, “How do you like to be touched there?”’
It’s easier to start this conversation outside the bedroom, advises Clare. ‘You might begin with a hand massage.’ Say something like, ‘I’d like to massage your hand in a way that’s good for me. Then, I’d like to give you a hand massage in a way you’d like. What would that be?’
Your partner might say, ‘I really like soft stroking.’ Once you learn the difference, and the language of ‘how can I make this better for you?’, you can apply it in more intimate situations.
You’re judgmental (or terrified of being judged)
‘In a new partnership, people worry about doing the wrong thing, so they’re not being entirely themselves in the bedroom,’ says Marie. ‘I see this in a lot of women in midlife, especially when they come out of a long-term relationship.’
But we can also fear being judged in a long-term relationship – or be judgmental if our partner suggests something new.
Many worry that expressing what we’d like to try, and what we no longer fancy, will lead to upset, and our partner taking offence and thinking, ‘Oh, so I’ve been doing it wrong for 20 years?’
EXPLORE MORE: Texas AG Ken Paxton Blasts Iran War in New Leaked Audio
If you want to mix things up, Marie suggests you (tactfully) discuss your desire ‘accelerators’ and your ‘brakes’. So, you might say that having a row or your partner wearing socks in bed are brakes, for example.
‘Being confident in your body regardless of size – loving it – conveys an energy that’s really sexy,’ says Clare (picture posed by models)
Whereas, Clare says, ‘an accelerator is something that moves you into feeling sexual – a back massage, or going on a quiet romantic walk together where you flirt and feel wanted, chosen, and desired. Or it could be playfulness, teasing or your partner’s brilliant humour. An accelerator isn’t necessarily something overtly sexual.’
And menopause might affect what you like in bed – what was once an accelerator, for example, might not do it for you any more. Clare adds, ‘Long-term couples do need to update their sexual script, and know what brings them pleasure now.’
You never talk about sex
Being good in bed means being able to communicate well. Sex is an intensely personal and sensitive subject, and can feel difficult to talk about. But, as Clare notes, ‘We often can have these chats with friends, but we can’t have them with our partner.’ Often, she says, this can be due to ‘fear that we’ll be disregarded or dismissed’.
She stresses, ‘The place to raise the subject is not in bed – it’s too pressurised and could feel critical.’
Marie suggests broaching it at the weekend, when you’re walking the dog perhaps. ‘Make it about your partner, so it doesn’t sound resentful. Say, “If you had a magic wand, what would be something you’d like to do in bed that we’re not exploring?”’
You’re miserable about how you look
‘Being confident in your body regardless of size – loving it – conveys an energy that’s really sexy,’ says Clare. Whereas, ‘If you’re feeling unsure in your body and going inward, that has an impact on the other person. If you’re curled up like a stone, you’re hard to engage with. If your heart is open, it pulls people towards us.’
She says, ‘When I think of confidence in the bedroom, it’s an open-heartedness, and acceptance of our unique imperfections.’ She suggests couples ask, ‘How can we embrace our bodies as they are now?’
If you are engaged and interested in bed, you’re a good partner, says Clare – it doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65 (picture posed by models)
How do we boost our body confidence though? ‘Ultimately it’s about shifting away from appearance to experience,’ says Clare. ‘You might ask yourself, “What does my body allow me to do? What movement do I do that feels good?”’
She adds, ‘Noticing your inner narrative and the critical voice and trying to replace it – “thank you but I don’t need you to judge me right now” – is important.’ Cutting down on social media can help, as it unhooks you from that comparison narrative.
‘Wear clothes that fit and that you feel good in,’ she continues. ‘Spend time in front of the mirror without evaluating your body. Instead, choose a part you like – “wow – those beautiful legs!”’
The aim is to move from punishment to pleasure, she explains. ‘It’s a practice. We’re not taught that. We’re encouraged not to love our bodies. But think about sensuality outside the bedroom – from the pleasure of having the wind blowing in our hair, or when it finally rains, the joy of feeling the drops on our skin. Or use a shower to really feel the water on your skin, and the pleasure of being in your body.’
She adds, ‘And if body positivity feels too hard, just start with trying to feel neutral.’
You believe your best sex is in the past
If you are engaged and interested in bed, you’re a good partner, says Clare – it doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 65. But in middle-age, some of us are convinced that our days (and nights) of good sex are behind us – an attitude which crushes enthusiasm and can make us lacklustre between the sheets.
Marie says, ‘There can be a nostalgia for youth, when you were able to have more spontaneous sex, when your body responded differently, when there was no vaginal dryness or erectile dysfunction.’
It’s not helpful to pretend that none of these challenges matter. ‘There is a grieving process,’ she says. ‘It’s OK to be angry too.’ But, ‘You also need to be able to reclaim pleasure in midlife.’
Acknowledge what you’ve lost but celebrate your gains – you’ll have more self-knowledge, for example. Marie says, ‘When I was younger, I didn’t know what I wanted and I couldn’t direct my lovers in the same way.’
Midlife certainly doesn’t signify the end of your headboard-rattling years. ‘You can still have an amazing amount of pleasure, including deeper orgasms,’ Marie assures. But a good lover isn’t passive. ‘Investigate what you can do to help yourself,’ she says. Could localised oestrogen, lube, or Viagra be a game-changer? Or perhaps less of a focus on penetration.
And Clare suggests, ‘Make sure you do something new each time you have sex – take the duvet off, put the pillow at the other end of the bed, add scent, or music, or change the lighting. Treat every sexual encounter, even with a partner of 30 years, as something new.’
You’re never ‘bad’ in bed
‘Bringing a lightness to sex is really important,’ says Clare. Being a fun, sexy, and stimulating partner has far more to do with attitude than gold-star expertise.
‘The key bit is really being present to what’s playing out in front of you, and being responsive to your partner’s desire – rather than determinedly sticking to a routine,’ she says. ‘So if your partner moves in a certain way, or makes a particular noise, lean into that, rather than your normal “dance moves”. That spontaneity can create a really powerful sexual experience.’
And if you’re never cheeky in bed, you may not be fulfilling your erotic potential. ‘A lot of women feel they should be a good girl,’ says Marie. ‘But daring to be a bad girl in bed – letting go of your hang-ups – can be fun.’
She admits, ‘In a new relationship it can be easier. If you’ve been together for a long time, it can be hard to transition out of your other roles, and the daily grind.’
The solution? ‘It’s about compartmentalising. We do it in other parts of our lives, so let’s do it with sex. You might read an erotic novel to arouse you first. Give yourself permission to misbehave.’
