Dear Jane,
My closest friend and I go all the way back to childhood, and over the years we have stood by one another through breakups, milestones and even each other’s weddings.
She has been married to her husband for a long time, and whenever we get together she usually fills me in on their latest arguments, frustrations and relationship struggles.
But last week, she revealed something so unexpected that it made me question whether I really know the person I have called my best friend for most of my life.
We were out to dinner and, after a few glasses of wine, she began flirting openly with our waiter. When the meal ended and he brought over the check, he quietly handed her his phone number with a wink.
At first I brushed it off, but then I watched her tuck the slip of paper into her purse.
When I asked why she hadn’t simply told him she was married, she admitted that when her husband is not with her, she likes to engage in what she described as “harmless flirting” with strangers.
She explained that, after so many years of marriage, being seen as desirable by someone new gives her a confidence boost. Then she confessed that she sometimes even texts the men she meets — only a little, she insisted — because she thinks it is fun.
I was appalled. I know that she isn’t physically cheating, but it seems like an emotional affair all the same.
I tried to tell her that what she was doing was wrong, but she just said that what her husband didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
Now, I’m torn. Her husband has become a close friend and I don’t think I could be in his presence without feeling guilt about harboring her secret.
I know that telling him would risk ruining my friendship with my best friend, but I’m not sure I want someone in my life who’s capable of behaving like this.
Do I tell him what she’s been doing?
Sincerely,
Unfaithful Flirt
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Unfaithful Flirt,
You’ve been put in a horrible position, involving two people you care about deeply.
As loyal as you are to your friend, the fact that her husband is also a close friend, is a tough one.
Like you, I wish you hadn’t been party to this. But now you have been, and unfortunately you can’t turn back the clock.
But you should not put yourself in the position of being the messenger. As the saying goes, it is the messenger who always gets shot. And it isn’t your job to fix their relationship, nor to protect either one of them.
The only way you can move forward is to set a boundary around your best friend.
You are right to think about whether or not you can continue with this friendship. When our values are misaligned, however much history we have, it can be difficult, if not impossible, to continue.
You’re entirely within your rights to tell her you can no longer be friends. If, on the other hand, you decide you aren’t ready to let her go, you can also tell her how you feel about her behavior. You can’t stop her, but you can request that she not flirt like this in front of you, nor tell you about it.
A friend will respect that boundary, even if she doesn’t agree with you. If she can’t, then you have the answer as to whether or not your friendship should continue.
Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have always been completely honest with each other – which makes what I’m about to confess all the more terrible.
We are both in our twenties and live separately in an expensive city – he on his own dime, me with a little help from my parents.
You see, I chose a career that doesn’t come with a high salary, yet requires me to live in a city with a high cost of living. Because my parents are so supportive of my dreams, they’ve agreed to help me out until I can support myself.
A few months ago, my boyfriend asked if we were ready to take the next step and move in together. But he had one condition: I had to be financially independent.
He said he just didn’t feel comfortable splitting rent with someone who was still supported by their mom and dad because it didn’t seem ‘responsible.’
I felt ashamed and in my embarrassment blurted out the lie that I was no longer getting help from my parents.
Ever since, he’s been sending me furniture ideas and apartment listings and the guilt eats at me whenever we show up for an open house.
When I told my parents what I had done, they assured me that their help is temporary, and they would never tell him that they were still paying my portion of the rent. That only made me feel worse.
Even if I wanted to come clean now it feels too late – my boyfriend already told his landlord he’s moving out.
What do I do?
Sincerely,
Money Problems
Dear Money Problems,
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive, or so says the famous line in the Sir Walter Scott poem.
And I feel for you. You didn’t intend to lie, felt shame at your boyfriend saying he didn’t think you responsible and, as you put it, blurted something out that wasn’t true.
But the problem with lying, even when we instantly regret it, is that the lie remains. And secrecy always creates problems in a relationship.
By the way, I don’t think what you did is terrible. You made a simple mistake, and I don’t quite understand why he is so judgmental about you being ‘responsible.’ We’re living in a world that is increasingly unaffordable.
So many friends of mine have their working adult children still at home because they simply cannot afford their lives, not because they have no work ethic.
Your boyfriend’s stance on this is enough to give me pause and should, I think, give you pause too. Whatever the outcome, you have to come clean. It is never too late to right the ship, which in your case means telling him that you were overcome with shame, wanted to make him happy and instantly realized your mistake.
If this proves insurmountable for him, and he decides to end the relationship as a result, consider this a lucky escape from someone whose inflexibility will doubtless cause future problems in your relationship.
