Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been married for five years and we are desperate to have children.

Unfortunately, after years of trying, it became clear the I struggled with infertility. 

I approached my sister, who had recently completed her college education, with the idea of donating one of her eggs to be fertilized with my husband’s sperm. She would then act as a surrogate for us, and in exchange, we would fund her master’s degree. I was overjoyed when she agreed.

Initially, my husband thought the idea was unusual, but I explained it was the ideal solution. This way, our child would carry my genetic traits and resemble me, as my sister would be the biological mother.

Moreover, she lives close by in our neighborhood, which means I could easily support her, assist whenever needed, and remain involved throughout the pregnancy.

However, two months into it, my sister decided she wanted to go traveling in Europe before being ‘tied down’ by school again.  I couldn’t say no since she’s doing me such a massive favor.

But she has been traveling all over Europe while carrying a baby that I feel is very much mine, and she has started making very disturbing comments.

Whenever I call or text, she tells me that she loves being pregnant, that she’s forming a strong bond with the baby and that she feels like it’s her ‘destiny’ to be a mother.

I have tried my hardest to remain calm but her latest declaration has devastated me.

She told me she will be staying in Europe and no longer needs us to pay for school, so she says she no longer ‘owes us’ the baby.

My sister is only 22. She has no idea what she’s doing or how to raise a baby.

My mother insists that she is just experiencing crazy pregnancy hormones and that she’ll eventually see that she’s being ridiculous. But I’m scared she’s going to stay in Europe with my child forever.

The only option I see is to fly to there myself to drag her home and reclaim the baby that is rightfully mine.

It might ruin our relationship if I force her to give me this child, but what other option do I have?

From,

Babynapped

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Babynapped,

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this heartbreaking situation. 

Sadly, there is no way for you to force your sister to give you her baby. 

You don’t mention whether there was a legal surrogacy agreement between you, so I am assuming there is not. I think the first step here is to sit down with a family law attorney and find out where you stand.

As the biological father your husband may have some standing. But unless your sister is legally required to give you the baby, there is no way to drag her home or demand that she gives you the child. As hard as this may be to hear, the surrogate is the legal mother by default.

However, as you have pointed out, she is only 22 — and flooded with hormones. I have a feeling that, once she has the baby, she might change her mind about keeping it.  

As women, our frontal lobe — the part of the brain that controls impulse — is not fully developed until at least the age of 25. So, it’s likely she hasn’t fully thought about the consequences of becoming a mother.

I think your best option is to gently tell her all the ways that becoming a mother will change her life forever, and remind her that motherhood is not always sunshine and rainbows. Explain that having children is expensive, time-consuming and a huge responsibility. 

Ultimately, try to understand that your sister is young and may not always make good decisions. For this reason you have to be prepare yourself – emotionally and legally – for all possible outcomes. 

I think you would benefit enormously from counseling or therapy with someone trusted who can help you navigate the rocky road ahead.