Dear Jane,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. He is, in so many ways, everything I could want in a partner, yet lately I can’t shake the feeling that something important is missing.
We’ve started arguing over the smallest things, and those disagreements sometimes turn into serious fights. Between our demanding schedules and constant exhaustion, we barely have the time or energy for intimacy anymore.
I’ve tried to explain how unhappy this makes me, but he doesn’t seem willing to make any real effort to repair the relationship.
Things deteriorated to the point where I found myself searching elsewhere for the excitement and attention I was missing.
It began a few weeks ago during a night out with my single friends. While we were waiting to get into a bar, the bouncer started flirting with me, and I admit that I flirted back.
I’m not proud of it, but I had forgotten what it felt like to be desired.
After that, it became a pattern. On every girls’ night out, I found myself flirting with bartenders or single men who came over to our table.
At first, I didn’t feel guilty about my private indulgence. But last week, I came home to flowers and a handwritten note from my boyfriend promising that he would make more effort with “us.”
Now I’m overwhelmed with guilt for enjoying the attention I received from other men.
I know I need to stop, but should I tell him what I’ve been doing? He would be crushed if he found out, and I can only imagine the argument it would trigger.
Sincerely,
Boyfriend Blues
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most pressing personal dilemmas in her agony aunt column
Dear Boyfriend Blues,
It is obvious that you love your boyfriend, but it is equally clear that your relationship has been struggling.
Occasional bickering is normal; repeated arguments that escalate into major fights are a much more serious warning sign.
You seem to place most of the responsibility on him, but an honest look at the situation may show that you have also played a part in the distance between you.
I understand why feeling overlooked has made attention from strangers so appealing. When you feel unseen at home, that outside validation can be remarkably tempting.
However, while flirting may offer a brief confidence boost, it is not a healthy solution. You need to focus on rebuilding your own sense of worth and creating relationships that do not leave you so insecure that you depend on attention from other men to feel valued.
There is real work to be done here. You’re still in an unsatisfying relationship, and although your boyfriend has given you a tiny hint that things might be different, actions speak louder than words.
I have no idea whether or not you should stay with your boyfriend.
Fighting is an enormous red flag to me, and I can’t imagine what could be healthy or peaceful about any relationship that has that kind of dynamic, particularly in the first five years. Nor does it bode well that you are flirting outside of your relationship.
We all want the same thing in a relationship. Not just to find our person, but in turn to feel valued, safe and loved. It seems to me that you are feeling none of those things.
You need to consider why you are staying and what a healthy relationship should look like. Ask yourself how you can work on changing the dynamic with your boyfriend if you decide to stay, or if not, how you can set yourself up for a future relationship filled with peace, appreciation and kindness – one where you feel loved enough that you do not need to seek approval from elsewhere.
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Dear Jane,
After my heartbreaking divorce from my wife five years ago, I didn’t think I’d ever want to date again.
But after my two adult children started pushing me to get back out there, I cautiously signed up for a dating app… and met Molly.
She’s everything a dream woman should be: beautiful, caring, fun and a joy to be around. She makes me feel like a young man again – though that might be, in part, thanks to her own age.
You see, that’s the problem: she’s 35. I’m pushing 60.
But it was her personality, not her age, that drew me to her. My kids, on the other hand, don’t see it that way.
When I introduced them to Molly last week, they were shocked.
My 30-year-old daughter was appalled that she was almost as old as my new girlfriend, and my son, only a few years younger, was equally distraught.
They said the relationship was ‘inappropriate’ and ‘weird,’ and that I was nearly old enough to be Molly’s father. In fact, they went so far as to say they didn’t want to be around her.
I’m heartbroken that they don’t approve of Molly – especially because they were the ones who encouraged me to start dating again.
I don’t want to push my own kids away by staying with someone they disapprove of, but I also have finally found happiness after divorce – and I don’t want to give that up.
Sincerely,
Divorcee Dilemma
Dear Divorcee Dilemma,
Let me start by saying how happy I am that you got back out there, and what a gift to find someone who has brightened up your life.
Age gap relationships can be challenging, but also glorious.
I understand why and how someone so much younger than you makes you feel so alive. Of course it’s her personality, but as much as you may not want to admit it, it is also her age.
She is filled with all the possibility, hope and vibrancy that we all have at that age, which is part and parcel of everything you have fallen for.
Age gap relationships can sometimes be harder as aging becomes more of a factor. A woman stepping into her forties is stepping into her prime, whereas a man stepping into his late sixties and seventies is slowing down.
That’s not to say it can’t work, but it is food for thought.
I am sorry that your children don’t approve. We hope that our kids want to see us happy, and yours are old enough to respect your choices, even if they do not approve.
I think you need to tell your children exactly this: You raised them and saw them off in the world, and are thrilled that they have their own lives. You are not asking them to necessarily approve of your choices, but it is important to you that they accept the choices you make.
You are, after all, old enough to know your own mind, and they are old enough that you no longer have to put their needs before your own.
If they can’t accept your relationship with Molly, you can do what many people in similar circumstances do, which is to see your children separately. Of course it’s not ideal, but I do not think that you should sacrifice your happiness just because your children disapprove of the age gap.
