Dear Jane,
My husband has developed a new habit that is quite off-putting, and I’m at a loss for how to address it with him. Throughout our relationship, he has always been the epitome of cleanliness and health-consciousness. His routine includes showering twice daily, using plenty of deodorant, and being meticulous about washing his hands.
However, in recent weeks, I’ve detected an unpleasant odor coming from his mouth. This struck me as unusual given his long-standing commitment to personal hygiene. Initially, I dismissed it as a one-off occurrence, but when the issue persisted, I began to pay closer attention to his morning routine.
To my surprise, I discovered the reason behind the unpleasant breath. I noticed, to my dismay, that he had been skipping the crucial step of brushing his teeth. Instead, he opted for a quick swish of mouthwash after consuming breakfast and coffee before heading to work.
I thought surely it was a fluke, but it went on so long that I recently started watching him get ready for the day and discovered something vile…
I witnessed him skip over his toothbrush and merely swish with mouthwash before heading out the door to work. And that was after breakfast and coffee!
Again, I thought it was a one-time thing, but for days, I watched him follow the same routine: no toothbrush, mouthwash only. No wonder his breath smelled so disgusting.
When I eventually asked him about it, he told me that swishing around the minty blue liquid was essentially the ‘same’ as brushing his teeth, so he didn’t feel like he needed to brush anymore. And, to make matters worse, he seemed offended I had questioned his hygiene habit.
Ewww! I couldn’t believe he thought that was true. And now, I feel like I can’t bring it up again for fear that he will be hurt that I find him, well, smelly.
But I can’t go on like this any longer. Frankly, I can’t even bring myself to kiss him (which he’s noticed and asked about, mind you).
What do I do?
Sincerely,
Stinky Spouse
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Stinky Spouse,
Well, I’m afraid your husband is simply wrong.
Swirling your mouth with mouthwash may create a temporary minty feeling in your mouth, but it’s not removing plaque, the bacteria that forms on our teeth.
This is going to cause him significant problems with his teeth – as well as the bad breath that you’ve been subjected to.
Look it up online, and show him the facts. The greater issue here, however, is that he’s not listening when you tell him that something is bothering you.
But it seems that rather than telling him that this is offensive to you, you have merely asked him why he’s swishing rather than brushing instead of telling him how his behavior is impacting you.
You need him to not only be healthy, but also, frankly, kissable. And that kind of bad breath sounds like a dealbreaker.
He needs to know not only the health risks to himself, but how it’s impacting you. A partner that cares about you is always going to take into account behaviors that their loved ones cannot tolerate.
Explain to him why this is such a risky habit, then ask him to change. If he’s offended, so what?
A partnership where one person is tiptoeing around the other for fear of upsetting them is neither healthy, nor sustainable. If he’s hurt by your honesty, he’ll get over it. And if he doesn’t, if he refuses to change, it would indicate that there are bigger issues in your relationship that does not bode well for your future.
You need to muster the strength to be honest, and he needs to muster the humility to hear it, and change.
Dear Jane,
I love a glass of wine in the evening, or a refreshing beer on a hot day – in fact, my favorite pastime with my boyfriend is going to a local bar or restaurant and grabbing a drink.
But my boyfriend recently started on a ‘health journey’ and has decided to kick alcohol altogether.
While I was proud of him for taking control of his health, I was also admittedly disappointed that our weekly dates for a glass of wine were no more.
Still, I didn’t want to say anything that would make him feel bad about his choice. And, after all, I realized I can still drink – he can get a soda.
I proposed that very compromise to him when he asked what we should do one weekend, but I was shocked when he refused. He said he didn’t even want to be around alcohol and would rather do an activity rather than go out to eat. That should have been my first clue that this diet – which was meant only for him – would eventually encroach on my lifestyle, too.
He no longer comes to friends’ birthday parties with me, nor does he accept our invites for happy hour or group dinners. In fact, dare I say, he’s become a bit of a killjoy. Not only does he refuse to join in, but then he makes me feel guilty for leaving him alone at home while I go out with them.
It seems that his ‘health journey’ is isolating him from all the people he loves – and also turning me into the villain.
I don’t want to shame him, but I also don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I want to date someone who will have fun with me and our friends, not a man so scared of alcohol and pizza that he can’t even enjoy quality time with people who care about him.
I have no idea what to do or how to tell him how I feel, and I’m worried that this could spell the end of our years-long relationship.
Sincerely,
Buzzkill Boyfriend
Dear Buzzkill Boyfriend,
I’m not surprised you feel so torn. The combination of pride at him taking control of his health and disappointment at how it has impacted your social life, particularly with something that was a shared ritual, is completely understandable.
As hard as this may be to hear, he is allowed to set boundaries around his drinking and how he chooses to live his life.
But you are also allowed to want a partner who participates in your social life and shared routines.
Your proposal was a perfect compromise so that you can continue sharing this special time together. What’s difficult is that he hasn’t met you with any kind of compromise that works for you.
You say you don’t want to shame him, but there is nothing wrong with clarity. He needs to know how much this is affecting you.
As with delivering any difficult information, it’s always best served as a ‘sandwich’: Start with something positive (how proud you are of him), then tell him how much you miss socializing as a couple. Conclude by telling him that he doesn’t need to drink, but that the two of you need to find a way to still have a social life as a couple.
Healthy compromise means he would be willing to meet you halfway. Perhaps half the time you go out and he leaves early, and half the time you do activities.
Ultimately, if he is unable to move an inch, then I’m afraid you may have to start questioning the future of this relationship.
All of us want relationships with people who are able to communicate openly, respect their partner’s autonomy, and is willing to compromise and work together as a team. If someone is not able to do any of those things, however much you love them, they may not be the person for you.
