Tom Wolfe once declared, “One belongs to New York instantly.”
That sounds like something a true transplant would say.
Now, a new department claims it can finally settle New York’s long-running, increasingly heated argument over who qualifies as a New Yorker — and it has already stripped the city’s most famous native son of his bragging rights.
In its first official ruling, the Department of New Yorker Verification determined that President Donald Trump does not meet the standard for the coveted title, despite being born and raised in Queens and building his fortune as a Manhattan real estate developer.
“He is probably, at this point, the most famous New Yorker there is,” said Franz Aliquo, the DNYV’s inaugural Verifier General. “And he has constantly talked s–t about the city, denigrated its religious and national diversity, treated that diversity as a problem and repeatedly called it a trash hole.”
“For all those reasons — disrespecting the city itself — I feel like he is definitely the most visible New Yorker who does not deserve to be a New Yorker.”
The tongue-in-cheek decree arrived just one week after Aliquo created the agency, which now issues certificates to verified New Yorkers under its guiding motto: “Residence is an address. The title is earned.”
In practice, the brand-new department is an art project created by Aliquo, a Queens native who grew up on Roosevelt Island and grew frustrated with the constantly shifting rules surrounding New York credentials.
Aliquo said he realized he was “being a little gatekeeper” after meeting someone from Westchester County who described themselves as being from New York.
“It is an almost silly thing that we put so much weight on what it takes to be a New Yorker. At the same time, the city does shape you in a way that no other place does,” said the artist, who also created the 2004 game Street Wars.
CHECK THIS OUT: Meghan Markle Shares Rare Video of Archie and Lilibet Walking Their Dog
Since opening last week, the DNYV has received hundreds of applications, all submitted through Track 1: Verification by Origin.
Applicants must provide their current address, a birth certificate or high school diploma, and answers to questions such as their favorite pizza and the city’s worst subway station — evidence, in theory, that they were born into and shaped by the Big Apple.
Track 2: Verification by Experience, designed for the dreaded yet ever-present transplant, opened Monday. It features an extensive questionnaire through which applicants can collect “suffering points” — the kind supposedly earned only by someone who has truly endured New York.
The point totals depend on experiences including crying in public, jumping a subway turnstile, discovering rats in an apartment and sealing windows with tape during a blizzard.
“I think the crux of gatekeeping is that people feel it’s a little disrespectful to come into a place and be like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m one of you,’ without having really experienced life,” Aliquo said.
Although the DNYV generally awards certifications, it reserves the right to revoke them from anyone who violates its code of conduct, which calls for respect toward New York City and its people.
Trump became the first person to lose his certificate. Aliquo also offered a cryptic warning that Jennifer Lopez, despite her famous “Jenny from the Block” identity, may be on thin ice.
Mayor Zohran Mamdani, by contrast, has “100%” earned the title, even though he was not born in the United States.
“Not because he’s mayor but just from his attitude and his story. He would definitely count as an official New Yorker,” Aliquo said.
