Zelensky survived. The Ukrainian president’s Oval Office rematch passed without diplomatic incident. The trap door under his seat was not activated. He was not served poisoned tea.

This time there was no muscling in on him by vice-president Vance. An elaborately grateful Mr Zelensky – he must have said ‘thank you’ more than 20 times – was even complimented on his black jacket by the Trumpian suck-up in the press corps who previously attacked him. ‘You look fabulous,’ drawled the reporter. Mr Zelensky joked that the newsman himself was wearing the same dodgy suit as last time. That elicited a laugh from Donald Trump.

Same setting: the two principals sat by a chimney-piece that has been given serious bling treatment since Joe Biden’s day. A study in gilt. Below them, on two sofas, sat three sidekicks from each side. A knot of reporters stood, shouting questions.

Ukrainian president Zelensky meets Donald Trump in the Oval Office, joined by Vice-President JD Vance, Secretary of State Marco Rubio and, standing behind, Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth

Mr Trump loves it when they do that. The air fills with urgent squawks, all aimed at him. He lets it continue, face froggy with satisfaction, until he chooses one of the hacks. Pure, egomaniacal theatre.

Both men were fidgety. Zelensky, with frowns and much dropping of chin to chest, could have been a man fighting indigestion. Trump, hunched, swung his bullish head from side to side, weighing options, controlling his demons, or maybe just bored.

The encounter was electric with jeopardy. One wrong remark, one ill-judged jest, and the touchy old bruin could be triggered. His vanity is a Ming vase, to be handled only by qualified Sotheby’s porters with green-baize gloves. One incautious trip and – smash – World War Three could erupt. It was worse than watching a chess match when the pieces are live grenades.

Meanwhile, all in a nearby room sat the European leaders including Sir Keir Starmer. ‘Seven great leaders of seven great countries,’ said Mr Trump with a straight face. Volodymyr’s posse. Anxiety levels must have been hellish. As they sat there, wringing their hands, waiting in frightful uncertainty, was their ally Zelensky being pushed to the floor and given another kicking by bully-boy Vance and his pals?

The presence of the Europeans took an already unusual day to another level of extraordinary. Here was Nato and western Europe dancing attendance on a mercurial 79-year-old narcissist. The very future of the West was swinging. No more could the United States be counted a steady bet. Had Uncle Sam really joined the axis of evil? Why was Mr Trump so suddenly sounding like a mouthpiece of Moscow?

‘Once Mr Zelensky had survived the initial ordeal in the lion’s den, the European leaders were allowed to join the action.’ Pictured: French president Emmanuel Macron and Sir Keir Starmer speak during the meeting at the White House

In the Oval Office Mr Trump appeared not to be too fussed about the gravity of it all. He started talking about how he had made the streets of Washington DC safe enough to allow rich couples to go out to dinner. All while a murderer in the Kremlin makes an entire continent shrivel. He even went into a long rant about postal voting and the threat to democracy. Irony-meters danced crazily.

Once Mr Zelensky had survived the initial ordeal in the lion’s den, the European leaders were allowed to join the action. Everyone took part in a televised meeting at a large, highly polished table. Mr Trump chaired this meeting, calling contributions from the Europeans. They took it in turns to praise him for his diplomatic brilliance, for his far-sighted political genius, his munificence, his humanity. It was perjury on the grand scale. Only one person was swallowing all this guff, surely. But it was the man that mattered.

Nato’s Mark Rutte, such an eager bundle of limbs, was officer in charge of treacle. The French president, Emmanuel Macron, had dragged himself away from his surf board. The president of Finland, Alexander Stubb, was prominent. He plays golf with Mr Trump, you see. ‘It’s Team Europe and Team United States helping Ukraine,’ said golf buddy Stubb. Fore! Balls aloft!

By the way, don’t tell the White House dress-code monitors but a male flunkey accompanying the EU’s Ursula von der Leyen was wearing blue trainers.