Last week, I penned an article criticizing the fashion misstep that is the quarter-zip sweater.

My intention was to offer a public service announcement, aiming to rescue men from their own fashion blunders by pointing out that their favored wardrobe staple was unimaginative and lacked appeal.

While I understand that expressing thanks isn’t every man’s forte, I did hope for a bit of appreciation for providing a much-needed style insight.

However, the response I received was far from grateful. It turns out that the quarter-zip has a devoted following, rivaling the fervor of both Swifties and Scientologists. The messages and comments flooding in were filled with irritation or a touch of sulkiness.

This reaction even spurred an article by John Sturgis in this publication, titled ‘11 Looks Women Love But Men Secretly Hate’.

Poor John. Allow me to clarify: women don’t dress to capture men’s attention. Frankly, we couldn’t care less about what men think.

Have you seen how much time and money a woman puts into her make-up when most men can’t tell the difference between a smoky eye and a wing? The truth is, 90 per cent of the time we dress for ourselves and, occasionally, for other women.

I’ve looked over Sturgis’s list and I have two theories. The first is that he is chronically unfashionable and may in fact have been stalking me for months in order to put some of my favourites on his list. Because let me tell you, I look great in a tie with a suit, I rock my big-collared shirts, and you can pry my one-year-old baby away from me before I’ll let you take my mum jeans.

My other (more likely) conclusion is that this is actually a desperate attempt to get more tips. Sturgis couldn’t bring himself to come right out and ask me to edit his wardrobe, so he projected his heart’s desire by writing an article. Like all men, he’s secretly after a stern woman to tell him what to do. And I’m willing to acquiesce.

So here are 11 things men wear that women (and by women, I mean me) hate. You’re welcome.

1. BIG LOGO TEES

From Patagonia to Louis Vuitton, logos should not be plastered across your front like you’re some sartorial superman from Planet No Style

Contrary to John Sturgis’s piece, Bella Freud jumpers are effortlessly cool and one of a handful of brands that can get away with a slogan across the chest (partially because it’s not just a big ugly logo). From Patagonia to Louis Vuitton, logos should not be plastered across your front like you’re some sartorial superman from Planet No Style. Sorry Adam Sandler.

2. UGG BOOTS

I know they’re comfortable, but I’d honestly rather see a man in Crocs than Uggs

I know they’re comfortable, but I’d honestly rather see a man in Crocs than Uggs.

Ugg boots are slippers and they deserve to stay indoors and only be seen by your loyal pet and the partner who’s promised to love you at your worst (and this look is pretty close).

Maybe they’d be fine if we lived in a dry climate, but in England you’re never more than five feet from a puddle or five minutes from a rainstorm. And the idea of sodden Uggs is nauseating, creating a whiff that merges old cheese and wet dog.

3. DESIGNER BELTS

Those designer belts with a great big logo on the buckle draw attention to your crotch in all the wrong ways

Those designer belts with a great big logo on the buckle draw attention to your crotch in all the wrong ways. The big, gold GG, or silver LV or diamante CC – they’re all a No No. The only brand you should have that close to your bits is some subtle Calvin Klein on your boxers. Invest in a nice, simple unbranded leather belt instead.

4. SKINNY JOGGERS

Women rave about men in grey sweatpants. But not the hideous skinny jogger that gives even a strapping six-footer the legs of an aggressively short chicken

Women all over the internet have raved about men in ‘grey sweatpants’, partially because they’re like the male version of a micro mini skirt and leave very little to the imagination. But, impressively, even with such a simple directive, some men have managed to mess it up.

What we meant was that baggy, chilling-on-the-sofa sweatpant, not the hideous skinny jogger that gives even a strapping six-footer the legs of an aggressively short chicken.

I haven’t put skinny jeans on the list because it should be a no-brainer in this day and age, but skinny joggers are like their bastard lovechild – and somehow even worse.

The way they hug a man’s ankles should be illegal.

5. GILETS

If you’re a finance bro who hates your life, you no doubt have a wardrobe full of gilets. And, really, what you wear in the office is between you and your HR manager

If you’re a finance bro who hates your life, you no doubt have a wardrobe full of gilets. And, really, what you wear in the office is between you and your HR manager.

But out and about I’ve noticed this year that gilets have taken over men’s fashion (see Ryan Reynolds) and it needs to stop.

There’s the fleece kind and the puffer kind and they both look awful. I think it’s connected to men’s indecisive nature. They can’t commit to dressing for the heat or the cold so they go for this in-between option which looks like the designer was shot halfway through construction.

6. FUR HOODED JACKETS

If you have a pension or can remember 9/11, you can no longer wear a fur-hooded parka. You don’t look like the third Gallagher brother, you look like a 16-year-old vape addict

I know what happened – you went to an Oasis gig this year and wanted to bottle some of that nostalgic, carefree joy.

You’re trying to recreate the moment you first heard Wonderwall in the mid 1990s, when you didn’t have that permanent crick in your neck and a hangover didn’t last three days. But if you have a pension or can remember 9/11, you can no longer wear a fur-hooded parka.

You don’t look like the third Gallagher brother, you look like a 16-year-old vape addict.

7. NO SOCKS WITH SHOES

I do not want to be thinking about your gross, sweaty foot inside that shoe. It’s repulsive. Even David Gandy doesn’t get a pass

I do not want to be thinking about your gross, sweaty foot inside that shoe. It’s repulsive. Even David Gandy doesn’t get a pass.

No matter how much you want to manifest life on a yacht in the Med, you’re currently stuck here with the rest of us. And maybe you’re actually wearing ‘no-show socks’, but those might be worse. I went to a dinner party where everyone was asked to remove their shoes and the sight of one man’s no-show socks cupping the sole of his foot like a stretched condom was the most emasculating thing I’ve ever seen.

8. RED TROUSERS

I thought red trousers had been effectively bullied out of most people’s wardrobes, but I’ve noticed they’ve sadly returned, popping up at gastro pubs across west London

By ALL means show some personal style, but if your personal style leads you to red trousers, forget I said that and go back to the safe staples.

Red trousers used to be the calling card for old Etonians looking for like-minded types with trust funds. They were used like a giant signet ring you could see from across a regatta, and often travelled in packs like the walking red flag they are.

I thought they’d been effectively bullied out of most people’s wardrobes, but I’ve noticed they’ve sadly returned, popping up at gastro pubs across west London. At this rate it won’t be long before they’ve spread across the nation like a snooty virus.

Unless you’re trying to signal that your only positive attribute is your Soho House membership, avoid the spread and pick something else.

9. FOOTBALL SHIRTS

Is there a game happening today? We get you’re a fan, but it’s fancy dress and Halloween has passed. Pictured: Snoop Dogg in a Norwich City top at Radio 1’s Big Weekend

Is there a game happening today? If not, why are you cosplaying as your favourite sports player? We get you’re a fan, but it’s fancy dress and Halloween has passed. You don’t see me rocking a cone bra and pretending to be Madonna on a random Thursday at the pub.

Neither should you be wearing a stranger’s name and number on your back.

10. JUMPERS AROUND SHOULDERS

What can I say? The arms casually tied around your neck like a scarf is a terrible look, especially if you never wear the jumper

What can I say? The arms casually tied around your neck like a scarf is a terrible look, especially if you never wear the jumper, but just permanently style it that way. And please don’t send a photo of your favourite celebrity doing this because there’s a reason he can pull it off and you can’t.

For example, the actor Jonathan Bailey is People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year – he can wear a dead squid draped around his shoulders and we’d all be jealous of that cephalopod. There’s a lot of things he can do that the average Brit would probably get arrested for (kissing actress Scarlett Johansson for example).

You are not him – or Roger Federer – and the wrapped jumper makes you look like an American trying to pass as English in a low budget rom com.

11. BEIGE CHINOS

Maybe there’s occasionally a time and a place for a beige chino, but in the depths of winter there are so many better options

Look, maybe there’s occasionally a time and a place for a beige chino, but in the depths of winter there are so many better options. Why not go for something that shows a little bit of your personal style? A wide-leg cargo, a dark pleated twill – I’d even take a nice corduroy if you’re feeling fancy. There’s just nothing exciting about the clothing equivalent of plain rice cakes.